I find it hard to put down in words or talk about how I’m feeling. From a very young age I have been attracted to boys, I’ve loved wearing dresses, playing dress up and feeling girly. Due to my environment I pretended I was straight. Recently I come out to my wife of 20 years that I was attracted men, of my desire to be feminine and be in a more submissive relationship. After this revelation we had many discussions prising out of me my true self, who I actually was, the truth. Now a year or so has passed, my wife and I still live together (separation would financially ruin both of us) and care for each other. My wife is going through her own journey of discovery, she is now moulding her new self as a single woman, in a way we have both now gone through a divorce albeit not through the courts. Now I feel now that I’m living in a void. After joining EC forum I’ve read many of your stories and know I’m not alone in this journey. More recently I keep asking myself where do I go from here? I feel I should be doing something? It’s been over a year, or two since coming out I haven’t even meet any men, just coming out to my wife was a tremendous relief, to be able to say out loud my desires, but I haven’t found the courage to come out to anyone else, in this I feel that I should, I’m feeling like i have a duty to be honest with everyone and declare openly that I’m a gay man! I think this is what my wife is wanting for too. What a mixed strange feeling. I have this feeling also that I should at least be visiting gay bars or saunas, meeting up with other gay men, if not then why did I come out? Am I afraid? Quite possibly. Actually yes. Has anyone else had these same feelings? I probably should see a therapist or psychiatrist. thanks for listening
I'd like to answer your questions but can't because I am in a similar situation and don't have the answer yet. In this forum you will see that some women have the same problem you do. We can all learn from each other. I am married also but I don't have the courage to tell my husband - not yet.. Unlike you I have met other women but have found that the worst problem I have with being gay is - other women! I never saw that coming. In the last year or two I have suffered a lot of emotional abuse from women and so now I am completely mixed up, more than when I was in the closet! One of the problems I have (but not the only one) is that when they find out I am married they drop the relationship immediately and subject me to a lot of verbal abuse. One accused me of spreading STD's, although that does not match my lifestyle. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny. A lot of us have variations of what I am going through. I would eventually like to tell my husband the truth, but if things don't improve with the women I meet, I will be so mixed up I may not want to be with a woman either! Don't know the answer but I am going to try an LGBT support group. At this point I have nothing to lose, and at the very least, could have some very interesting conversations discussing my experiences.
I have had similar feelings. I will say you're not obligated to come out to anyone or broadcast your status. It's your business, not theirs. I'm out of the closet but I don't broadcast it. If people find out then they find out. If you want to become more socially involved in the LGBT community, then start small and visit a LGBT group to gain some exposure which in turn will boost your confidence.
Hi there! One thing I was wondering while reading through your story, is whether you had a chance to discuss with your wife as to how you see the future unfolding. What are some of the things the both would need at this stage? From what you have shared, it seems that your wife has started to carve out a space for herself, where she has perhaps started to come to terms with seeing herself as being single. You mentioned that you have gone through a 'divorce' all but in name. How would you feel about trying to meet men or going to a gay men support group or social event to start experiencing possibilities your future could hold? Being part of a safe space could allow you to become more comfortable in a) being yourself while out and about, and b) continuing your coming out journey. It sounds like that you would like people to know, or feel there is a need to come out - I would suggest to think about whether there is a friend that you could come out to, someone who you know is accepting, understanding, if you feel ready and comfortable doing so. Have you discussed coming out, or starting to live your life as a gay man with your wife, beyond the initial coming out? Having said that, I think discussing your journey up to this point, and moving forward, with a counsellor might be a good idea. A counsellor could help you finding a path forward that works for you and feel comfortable with. There might also be other pieces that might come out, that would be good to have support on and be able to discuss.
Hi Mirko. Thank you for a wonderful reply. All of your points were so how I’m feeling it is wonderful to have someone else to talk to. I would like to reply if I may, just so I’m talking again about how I feel, No I haven’t talked about where I see myself or us in the future. I just want to support her, yes she does now consider herself single. I would be thrilled should she date a guy. We have talked about what it would mean to actually separate, sell the house and go our own ways, at this stage we both don’t want that. Yes I would really like to try and meet other men, your suggestion of a gay social group or event isn’t something I had thought of, that is really good idea, I’ll look into it, it would be so much easier going to a social event knowing it would be safe, people would accept me for who I am and it would be a good way to meet other men and a good start to my journey. Your question have I discussed coming out beyond the initial coming out. I have tried, when I talk about my desire for men it always come across weird. It is very difficult. May I ask, you mentioned have I started talking about living as a gay man to my wife, unfortunately I don’t know what it would be like to be living as a gay man! That is one reason I would love to meet other men, I know nothing of the gay scene or how gay men live. What would my life be like when I have come out fully and I’m living as a gay man? I am going to look for a councillor, I do have a lot to unfold. Any support here is really really welcome. It does feel good talking to other gay men here, I do respect your input and guidance.
Hi LlouW it’s nice to meet you. You don’t need to know the answer your reply was enough, it was really nice. I am so sorry to hear of your emotional abuse, people can be shitty, I hope you find a support group who understands. Yes coming out to your spouse is very difficult, I’m having a difficult time too. In this area. I got the impression you thought I am a woman, unfortunately i am not. Haha yes I would love to be. Hi LlouW it’s nice to meet you. You don’t need to know the answer your reply was enough, it was really nice. I am so sorry to hear of your emotional abuse, people can be shitty, I hope you find a support group who understands. Yes coming out to your spouse is very difficult, I’m having a difficult time too in coming out. Correct me if I’m wrong but I got the impression you thought I am a woman, unfortunately i am not. Haha yes I would love to be but that’s another discussion.
