Hello everyone. I didn't really know where to put this so I just placed this thread here. Also this is going to be pretty long. Anywho I just need to get this off of my chest and tell someone this stuff and EC is such a great place to talk to people about these things so why not? So I'm a sophomore and I finally went to a college party since I avoided them my whole freshman year. It was my friends party so I decided to go. Im pretty introverted so I was a little nervous about going but summoned the courage to go anyway. This was also my first time drinking, I didn't want to get shit faced so after 2 shots and some punch with vodka I was good for the night. I don't think I was drunk, I'd say I was just tipsy. Here's the thing EC, I guess that bit of alcohol combined with curiosity influenced my actions that night. The friend that invited me to the party was a guy, we will call him S. I've kind of always sensed that S liked me a bit from the way he acts towards me whenever we hang out. I guess I wanted to develop feelings of attraction to him too. I've always gone back and forth in my head about whether I am gay or not, this past month I have been really confused if I'm really gay or not because I sometimes happen to watch gay porn, and sometimes when I fantasize, there are men in there but it strongly resembles the porn I watch. Though 98% of the time when I fantasize and daydream, it's about women. So I was thinking that maybe I'm not completely gay, but a homoromantic bisexual. I guess I got it in my head that I kind of liked him when I really didn't. With S, I wanted to like him, I felt like maybe I could like him and that I could actually enjoy being a bit more intimate with him. So we were dancing and talking and stuff, having a good time, and then he leaned in for a kiss. Now this was my first real kiss with anyone (I didn't tell him that) but I didn't freak out I just went with it. Then we started making out. To be honest with you I thought I would've enjoyed it more, or I thought I would've felt something, buuuuut I didn't. Then things got a little more heated between us, I will spare you the details. I remember not feeling the slightest bit turned on. I think I tried to force myself to like it. I wanted to like it but it just wasn't for me. I had stopped it before it got too serious. Then I told him of my attraction to women. I didn't outright tell him I was gay, I told him that I was bisexual leaning towards women. He was okay with it, and respected the decision to stop. We will talk more about it tomorrow to clear the air more. So that night and this morning I was just thinking of that whole encounter, and can't help but to keep thinking, wtf was I doing? I don't regret what happened though, because it knocked the denial I've been holding on to for the past few years out of the park, men are just not for me and I seriously realize that now. So it's time for me to fully embrace my lady homo-ness :icon_bigg WHEW I'm glad I got that out, because I didn't know who else I could tell! Thanks for being awesome EC
You know it in your heart. At least now you've proven it to yourself! Feels better with it off your chest, eh? Good! Glad to help you vent it! It would be very unfair to S to lead him on further though, so do have that talk and make sure he knows whether or not there IS any possibility of a romance. You make that call. Are you into him enough or not? Again, it's in your heart. Good luck with that chat. Hope it goes well.
Thanks Yes, leading him on is totally not what I want to do, I talked to him today and he was cool with it so he knows that we are better off as friends. It was easier and less awkward than I thought it was going to be, thank goodness
