my daughter might be a lesbian (what do I do?)

Since there is a chance your initial reaction may have confused her about how you would feel about her being a lesbian, maybe you should try to slip in things every once in a while that would let her know you would accept her. For instance, you could attend an event that supports the LGBT community or watch a show or movie with her that has LGBT characters and mention their relationship in a positive manner while talking about it with her. These things wouldn't make her feel attacked or confronted but could give her the idea that you would be accepting and that you might have an idea of what's going on even though you aren't directly saying it.

 

Well, you could go for the angle of passively stating that you don't care/mind if she's gay? A few months before l came out to my parents my dad made an effort to make plain that he wouldn't care if l wasn't straight just in conversation. Enough to get the point across, though, and not incessantly. He always found ways to segway into it.

But everyone else seems to have better suggestions. Good luck, too!

 

The way you describe your daughter and your relationship with your daughter fits me and my relationship with my mom to a tee except that I'm a lot younger than your daughter and still living at home I've only known about my sexuality for a little over a year. I agree with what a lot of has been said above. I know my Mom will accept me but I still haven't told her because:
1. I still worry about negative effects.
2. I'm not ready for the inevitable change in our relationship.
3. I'm not ready on a personal level.

I suggest letting it be. If she is a lesbian she'll tell you when she's ready.

 

I haven't yet come out to my parents and it is hard but it's great that your relationship with with her would not change she will tell when she is ready you just have it be there for her good luck xx

 

The fact you care enough about how she feels, is truth telling your a great mom. Trust your instincts. I think it's important it's on her terms. She may know you will be cool, but worried about being outed to everyone and not ready for that.

Definitely making it clear you support the lgbt community would be nice for her to know and lessen any stress she may have on that level, but let her come to you about herself, it's the respectful thing to do in my opinion.

 

If your Mom instincts are telling you that her friend is more, than she most likely is. Your daughter is 21 and an adult. She needs to know that you support her no matter what.

I would not just come out and ask her, but I would find a time to talk to her and say something like, 'Honey, I want you to be happy and find someone who loves you. If it is a Princess instead of a Prince, I don't care. I don't ever want you to doubt that I won't have your back, no matter what. Who you love has nothing to do with the love I feel for you' Say it calmly and matter of fact, and then let it drop. Ask that she invite her one friend with her for the hollidays for dinner and make her welcome.

I wish my Mother would have said this to me. Instead she had no idea what to do and told me that it was a phase when I came out to her(my poor mom still cries about saying this to me, even though it was the 80's and she didn't honestly know what to do).

Good luck. Parenting is not for the weak of heart!(I have three kids myself).

 

I agree with all of the points that have been made thus far, though I feel like I have to add something.
When my brother came out to my parents 10 years ago it was a very big thing for him. He wasn't completely sure if it was something that he was making up in his head (he still wonders sometimes).
The thing is, for some people sexuality can become very "box" like especially if they choose to come out as a formal thing. Sexuality is fluent and your daughter might still be unsure or feel that if she comes out she might be but in a box labled "lesbian" or "bisexual". Maybe she doesn't feel the need to and will one day bring home a person of a gender and introduce you to that person as her partner.
What i am trying to say is that don't worry about her sexuality, it is just a small aspect of a person, it doesn't create the person and it really shouldn't be important to you. Just love and support your daughter and let her know that you will accept whoever she decides to bring home
I never came out to my parents as they don't really care what gender I run around kissing and I love them for that

 

Interesting point made here!

 

I'm so pleased that your daughter has you for a mom. As for finally admitting it to you, she first needs to admit it to herself. That's the hardest thing. I'm a 41 year old teacher and whenever the topic comes up because someone says something offensive in a passing comment, I seize it as an opportunity to not only teach tolerance but to communicate that "tolerance" should not be necessary since there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. That being said, I'm 100% in the closet at work and I live with my female partner. I just posted in the LGBT later in life and titled it "so many years and still not comfortable" or something like that.

If I were your daughter and I saw my mom like the Happy Gay day FB page, I would be terrified that someone thought she did that because of me. So while my point of view might be different from your daughter's I'm just offering another side.

Perhaps watch the documentary "Wish me away" and one day comment on it at a gathering where your daughter is present. I think that will do more to let her know how you felt for Chely Wright's struggle. The book is incredible as well. I suggest reading it. Maybe leaving it around would start a convo. Though its important that when commenting on the book or movie that you do not add something in reference to "if one of my children were gay..." I know that will be hard but being generic will be easier for her.

She will eventually tell you but accepting it for herself is what is taking so long. I still struggle to tell people and I'm a successful 41 year old.

Best of luck!

 

You are such a lovely mother. I'm sure that if she's gay she'll come out to you when she's ready. Even if you have the most supportive parents in the world, it takes time to feel comfortable enough in your sexuality to share the news with your family. Give it time

 

what she said :icon_bigg

 

That might be a big part of why your daughter has not confided in you. I suspect that she doesn't want to hurt you or cause you any unnecessary stress.

Perhaps you could use TV/radio/print discussions on DOMA, ENDA, GENDA or other gay-related issues as topics of general discussion that might lead to more personal subjects.

 

I would like to offer a thought. . ..perhaps this time is actually a blessing? You are now very much in contact with your concerns for your daughter and your relationship, your regret about your reaction when she was younger etc. If and when she does come out to you, it may very well be different than you can anticipate but right now you have a great opportunity to really get clear in your own self about all the things that come up in you around the whole question and what it is you really want for yourself and your daughter. What are the most important things. . . . connection, acceptance, belonging? When you look at specific things that come up for you in this whole process can you find your way down to the heart of them? If you spend this time doing that then you will simply be spending your time getting more clear on what is really important in life and love and whomever your daughter eventually brings home to you as the person she loves you will have prepared yourself to have a beautiful relationship with them both. All my best to you and your daughter!

 

funniest thing i read here just in general experience, no one really takes facebook that seriously, i found myself girls i tried to help with self harm issues there, and there seems to be the last place they really want to have a serious discussion other than just draw attention and etc

give her time, dont interfere at all, change the worry look on your face if that is overgetting to her everytime that conversation is on, and if she really is she will eventually tell you directly, i think you can do that specially since you said you will still love her the same way, and that is what matters most that you keep supporting her through things