My dark year *Trigger warning*

So many times I hear unfortunate cases of suicide and how people have been so distraught to end their lives. It has always made me sad to hear people committing suicide and not able to reach out. It's also sad to see loved ones affected by their passing and knowing that they could have impacted the lives of others in the future some how.

One case I don't hear often are people who have resisted suicidal urges or have gone through depression and are on their path of healing. And I myself will be sharing my story of fighting through my suicidal ideations.

My name is Sergio and for the past year I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. I would never have thought to have urges and feeling of self harm and suicide until I have experienced distress from my abusive family dynamic. I have started developing depression when my mom had cheated on my dad which has caused tension within the family. My dad had turned into a different man and my mom has become more vindictive after the event. Due to that event I have been getting flashbacks of my childhood and wishing times were more simpler and pleasant . After watching birdbox, I have been so fixated in thoughts of suicide with many of my plans being so vivid and graphic. The mere thought of how easy it is to kill oneself has been haunting my psyche and led me to gloom and sadness. Everyday I felt like it could have been my last day and thoughts of getting ran over, hanging myself, or drinking bleach had surrounded my thoughts. But in reality I never wanted to kill myself yet I had felt compelled to kill myself and go forth with those morbid thoughts. It had also become difficult once my parents found out I was gay which led to family distress and uncertainty about emotional eruptions. It was hard living with chaotic and violent thoughts, I had delusional thoughts also about how killing myself would bring new light to the world, or that I was trapped inside the wrong body. All these thoughts were distressing and confusing. I would even get triggered if a video game character I was controlling lost a life thinking that I was subconsciously trying to end my life.

However, I knew the pain that it would bring to my boyfriend and friend and how I love myself too much to not go forth. I had reached out to my best friend and boyfriend and told them of what I was going through. With their help and reaching a therapist I had slowly began a recovery. I would also like to credit my imaginary friend for inspiring hope and giving me positive feelings and reasons to live as well as dispelling my delusions and dark thoughts. As time keeps going on it's easier to keep going forward and being happy. Having suicidal thoughts has taught how to love myself and understand myself better. I have always considered myself hopeful but when these thoughts of despair has settled in I felt that I was not worthy to be hopeful until my imaginary friend had pointed that my hopefulness was not being invalidated but rather challenged to it's true potential. He is right as I continue to live and take care of myself to better ways and find meaning in life. My state of depression has also taught me that some things in life are not worth stressing about and that the little things that make me happy have a huge impact. Even though at times I worry about killing myself or dark images passing by I have hope that I will be better. I'm not sure when or how my thoughts will stabilize but I will not be fated to end myself but rather have the happiness I deserve through a long life.

To all those who struggle with depression, OCD, PTSD, and/or suicidal thought I do urge you to reach out for help and support. Even though I do not know you very well, I do know that everyone deserves happiness and that you shall not stand alone in your struggles. Please reach out to anyone or just let it all out. I know that you can do it.

USA National Hotline Number for Suicide Prevention - 1-800-273-8255
PAPYRUS - 0800 068 4141