More problems with my daughter.

I can imagine this is confusing and difficult for you, but you're doing the right thing by being supportive and loving, and by respecting her space. Being a teenager is a really tough time regardless of gender or sexual orientation, but if you respect her as a human being, you will set an example for her to do the same with others and with you.
Hang in there!!

 

Haha...umm...watch this: Ugly Betty - The Past Presents the Future (4x019) - Justin's coming out party - YouTube. Overenthusiastic parents.

 

Exactly--Budder wrapped it up more neatly than I was able to.
Please believe in a lot of ways I understand where you are coming from--I have a daughter also, and I want nothing more than for her to have a happy, fulfilled life. But I can't make her choices for her. I can't set a timeline for her to follow to have that happy life. All I can do is respect her choices, love her, and be there to help if she wants or needs it.
I also think it would be helpful for those of us talking to you here, who don't know you that well yet, to know more about why you feel this sense of urgency about having her come out right now, as opposed to 3 months from now, or 6 months. You say you don't think she is happy--do you worry she is becoming clinically depressed? Perhaps it's confusing for those of us who see your daughter as very young, and having enough time to deal with this without terrible consequences, yet moving at her own pace.
What do you worry will happen if she comes out 3 months from now instead of this week?
I understand it hurts you to think she is in distress, and that you're not doing enough to help. The thing is (as I'm sure you know!) life is full of times when we face hard tasks, or go through confusing patches. Dealing with these difficult times is part of growing up, and becoming strong enough to work through them. It's hard as parents to strike the correct balance between being over-protective, and denying your children the chance to find their own coping methods and finding their own sources of strength, and being too hands-off and leaving them to flounder along, or worse, being an active impediment to their happiness by trying to force them into the only form you find acceptable. So many kids on here would give anything to have a mom as loving and caring as you are. But it's *your* daughter we're talking about, you know her best. So I guess I'm asking you, mom to mom, what level of unhappiness is your daughter in right now?

 

Great points made. Nice to see such caring parent. Your daughter may be having a hard time internally, and dealing with the external matters might just add more stress. Just take her as she is - young/questioning/whatever. You seem like an great parent and I am sure she will appreciate your unconditional support in whatever she decides to do.

 

Hi there!

I've joined this forum recently and plan to get some support in the future, so I thought I'd start off by giving any advice I could to others.

I have read your old post, this post, and the associated comments, and from your old post I have to admit, I was in general agreement with most of the posts. It seemed like a good idea to hint subtlely at your support for anything LGBT related, but after reading your new post, I no longer think this is the best approach.

Firstly, I should mention I'm just a 17 year old kid, so my opinion may not be as valuable or you might not weight it as much as others, but I feel like I am in a somewhat similar situation as your daughter.

My mother is very supportive of LGBT things in general and has naturally made remarks about LGBT people in general. I live in Canada, so LGBT rights is not as hot of as issue as it's more about discrimination. She'll make remakrs about how she used to work with gay males when she was younger and how they were, in general, very nice people. Before determining my sexuality, I would react normally.

I can't remember exactly how I reacted, but it was probably something along the lines of "Oh, I guess your right" and moving on without much care. I highly doubt she's somehow been able to discover my sexuality, but she does continue to say these remarks once in a while.

After "coming out to myself" however, whenever she says something that reminds me of my sexuality, I'll usually poke fun at LGBT people or say something to draw attention away from any possibility that I could be gay. For example, I'd say something like "I guess they have to be nice; if they were gay and mean they'd really be ostracized!".

Now I know this doesn't seem like it's getting anywhere or related to your situation, but I thought about it, and if my mother was continuously hinting at LGBT things and I somehow discovered there was a possibility anyone knew about my sexuality, I would freak out.

From my little story and background information I've provided, I just want you to realize that it has to be really subtle for your daughter to feel comfortable with your support, in my opinion anyways.

Another concern I want to address is that you are afraid she will stay in the closet infinitely. I can tell you that the majority of LGBT people don't wish to stay in the closet, but there are some who feel they can live without ever going into a relationship. Personally, I don't plan to come out to my parents until I am self-sustainable. Although I for a fact my mother would be supportive, and my father would be relatively okay with it at least, many things change even though there is the common "nothing has changed" reassurance.

I, personally, would be afraid of my parents using my sexuality against me when I do something wrong. That's one of my biggest fears. I know they probably wouldn't say something that outspoken in a normal situation, but when I and them are in disagreement about something, say about what I want for Christmas or my birthday, I wouldn't want them to say something like "Oh, right you're gay". Which could happen when someone is really mad or trying to persuade someone else. Even if they didn't say these things, it'd probably be in the back of their midn somewhere, and I am not independent yet so I wish to wait until I live alone.

You have to remember that she might eventually, or already has, come out to other people other than yourself or family. It is natural for family to be later on the list, as people usually test the waters with friends first. I personally have come out to one friend just to let the steam be released, but since I'm studying hard and don't have a desire to enter a relationship, I don't see a reason to come out at the moment.

If your daughter is comfortable with herself, which she must to be to some extent, as she is, according to you, on these forums, then she will come out to people at her own pace. I, personally, would come out to non-family in university, or college as Americans call it, and to family a little after university, around the age of 22.




To sum up:
1. Perhaps avoid continuously trying to get her to come out. I know it would make me feel cornered and I might even get mad too. If anything, I recommend somehow making it pretty clear that you know just once, but not stating it of course, and that you support LGBT people even if they were family, then stop talking about the topic relatively completely. That will truly show that it doesn't matter if your daughter is a lesbian or not and allow her to feel more at ease, and maybe even come out to you when you least expect it!

2. Don't worry about her decision about coming out. Coming out is a process that is hard to reverse and cover up once done, so as a closetted individual, I would be very prudent as to how and when I come out. I think whatever decision she makes at the moment is what makes her happiest, if she has sat down to think about it as I have, and figured out some sort of a rough plan.



Forgive my poor English. I wrote this in a relatively small increment of time.

I don't know where I ended up rambling about, but please let me know if my advice was useful or not, because I would like to know if I should continue posting like this, or just stop.

Kirito

 

When I first saw this post I freaked out thinking it might be my mom. haha. Anyways, my advice is to give her some space. I know that my mom suspects and she has been making comments for years. She says things like "You know I would love you no matter what." She even recruited my grandma. My grandma told me how great it was that there is no longer a don't ask don't tell policy in the military. She also burst into tears while discussing gay marriage. Yet, I still haven't come out yet. Rather, the constant comments just make it worse. I feel like every time they bring it up it just makes it harder for me to come out. I get mad every time she makes the comments, but I don't insist that they aren't true. At one point she asked me directly if I was in a relationship with my roommate and I denied it, screaming about how ridiculous she was.

I know as a mom it is hard to know and yet not be able to say anything about it to your daughter. However, she is probably not ready to talk to anyone about it yet. If you push her she will just pull further away and it will likely take longer for her to come out. But, do make sure that she knows that you love her.

 

Regarding this, just keep in mind that quite a lot of LGBT people have difficulty accepting themselves. Some have no difficulty, some take decades... it really differs from person to person. But the thing is, most of us have gotten past that and in good shape.

I don't know your daughter or her whole story, but I'd wager if she's on this site she's on "the right track" so-to-speak. She's making an effort and surrounding herself with supportive people. I'm confident she'll be okay in the end.