Hi y'all Tomorrow I'm making a call to get my psychiatrist appointment (!!!!!). I informed my mother of this, and she went on a tangent of "what if you regret it". I shut it down as quickly as I could. I know she means well- she hasn't stopped me from making the call or intervened in any way with presenting as a man, even calls me he/him on occasion, but it still has an impact on me whenever she starts telling me of her concerns. Whatever, we'll work through it, albeit slowly. Problem is, whenever she says something of the sort, her doubt starts creeping in, and I don't know how to offer myself reassurance. What kind of helped today was (after going on a mild crisis) telling myself that...she literally knows nothing of my personal life - how I've coped, how I feel, how my relationships are. I'm still the "good girl who never goes out of line" (as a 21 year old man) in her eyes. All she knows is that I suddenly started dressing as a guy a few years ago and now I want T. But it still hasn't erased all the doubt that she so easily planted. So I guess my question is: how do you get out of the self doubt zone? What has helped you?
the thoughts are here and bothersome. people can wake them up very easily. trust in yourself, you know why you're doing this, you know that it's right. self doubt can be the sign of a healthy mind, it doesn't mean anything by itself. trust in what it is that you want.
Thanks for these words, they helped for a few days. And I'll keep them in mind as much as I can. But the self doubt returned with much more force tonight and I feel like I'm spiraling. I made my psych appointment, it's gonna be next Thursday. I was super hyped when I made it, but now I'm just.. filled with self doubt. What if she tells me I'm not trans and I make a fool of myself? What if she gives me the diagnosis but it's all just a fucking lie I made myself believe? I feel like a fraud, no matter what happens. Usually it helps looking at the situation like "what do i want to achieve?" Instead of "am i trans?" but now the former doesn't do anything for me. Again, what if I'm just believing a lie? I'm second guessing my every thought and feeling, I don't feel like I can fully trust myself. This is horrifying. I feel like running. I'll go through with the psych appointment, of course, but fucking hell. I want to rip my hair out.
It's their job to help you. I know you feel anxious but honestly that's natural. And trust me mental health professionals are no fools. The fact you're even worrying about your issues being a lie means they're not a lie. If she diagnoses you, then she will most likely be right in her thinking. And you can always seek a second opinion. Nothing about you is fraudulent though, honestly. You have every right to feel the way you're feeling and not stress over whether you're even allowed to feel that way or not. You are suffering, you deserve help so please let her help you. Please go.
Thank you. Your words helped me ground myself a bit. I tend to (violently) shove my unpleasant emotions away, and it's not been helping me lately. It's good to be reminded it's ok to feel. It's difficult dealing with all this, especially because I don't really have anyone to talk to right now, and because i believed i was over this 'am i faking?" bs. It's like I'm regressing, and it's frustrating. One step forward, ten steps back kind of deal. It's been happening pretty often lately lmfao. I'll go. I'll force myself to go. I've been waiting to get the courage to transition for years, I'm not gonna turn into a coward now. I've been frustrated at my past self's inaction for long enough, might as well actually do something about it. I feel the urge to go out in a field and swear the universe out.
if, by any chance, it was a wrong decision. once you start taking hormones, you're gonna figure it out real quick and cancel everything. there is no risk, you are not a burden, do what feels right because it's your right to try and feel better. I have a close friend who's been living as a man for a few years now, there's a point when he cut down on his HRT because he was feeling like "he didn't need it anymore" and wanted to be sure he was not taking hormones for the sake of taking hormones. after a small while he restarted his HRT because everything felt wrong. I'm not telling ANYBODY to cut their HRT just to try, please do not play with hormones. But what I mean to say is that even he, had those doubts. everything is there to make you "normal" (as in, not queer) and so, you start doubting yourself. and it's the beginning of a new journey, the end of a status quo, you know your life won't be the same and so you're scared: "right now it's bad, but what if it becomes worse ?" truth is, odds are extra in favour of your life getting better. you gotta make that inner coward shut the hell up and dive into the unknown. this is the end of a chapter for you, but it's beginning of a new one with the potential of a thousand suns. I'm adding next thursday as an event in my calendar, I'll be back to ask you how the appointment went. be brave brother, you deserve it
You're right. The way my life is, and will be, changing is terrifying. But I'll keep my head up. Fuck it, I've got one life; if I realise this isn't the right path for me, I'll have the time and resources to deal with that. Either way, I'll be fine in the end. It's very considerate of you to do that, i truly appreciate it. I'll keep you posted
Keep us posted on here if you want, too. We're all here for you and we're all rooting for you so you're not alone.
So, psychiatrist update: It went great! I don't have the letter to the endo yet, she basically told me how things are going to go down. She asked about my family's mental health, my mental health, then told me I need to see a therapist for one session (who'll test me to see if I have the mental capacity to make my own decisions), then I'll get the letter for the endo. I wasn't expecting it to be this easy. There's more emphasis on me being able to make my own decisions instead of getting an invasive set of questions about GD. Basically informed consent with extra steps and a façade for the government ♂️ and it's mostly free lmfao. The T will cost, as well as some blood tests but overall??? Chill as fuck.
