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Married, Gay - coming out seems impossible

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by maxx, Jun 10, 2012.

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  1. KneeDragger

    KneeDragger
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    I'm not sure who said they'd never go back either, but I know I wouldn't. I have less stress in my life now because I don't waste energy trying to hide the "true me". I just get to be me. That's all. It feels free and wonderful. The journey to get here isn't easy. It sucks. It hurts. It's hard. But for me and many others, it's worth it. The best way to succeed is to have a plan and to go slowly. My therapist was kind of my guide. I told her what I wanted to do and she helped me figure out how to do it. She also provided gentle pushes forward when I'd drag my feet on something.

    If you decide to come out, do it on your terms and at your pace. We will be here to help. Don't expect a cake walk or an easy time. The hardest parts will be the things you don't think of. But trust me, you are all capable of getting here.
     
    #101 KneeDragger, Jul 1, 2012
  2. NomadicDave

    NomadicDave
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    Hi Max

    I just posted on my thread that tomorrow is the day to come out to my wife. I have to let this go and stop hurting her and myself.
     
    #102 NomadicDave, Jul 1, 2012
  3. 55

    55
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    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, my heart goes out to both you and your wife. Best of luck.

    55
     
    #103 55, Jul 1, 2012
  4. maxx

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    Dave - we'll be thinking of you and your wife all day. On another thread someone made an analogy about it being like standing at the top of a cliff looking down to the ocean far below - and literally taking a leap of faith that the warmth of the ocean will feel great, and there are swimmers down below to show you how to survive and thrive (like 55 & Kneedragger).

    Like you, I can't stay at the top of the cliff any longer. I need to take the plunge and have faith that it will all work out for the best - for everyone concerned.

    (*hug*)
    Maxx
     
    #104 maxx, Jul 2, 2012
  5. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! I thought I'll offer some of my thoughts. Admittedly, I haven't read through the entire thread in detail so I might miss one or two things....

    Not sure which book your are reading or if you have read it, but Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection," is pretty good. If you haven't read it, it might give you a couple of more pointers/insights while you reflect on your own situation/circumstances.

    ... and she (and you) would be better off if she would know the truth. Think of it that way, the longer you keep it away from her, the harder it will become to be able to talk to her about it. Not only might it become harder to talk about it (and I am sure I am not mentioning anything that you don't know already) but you are also placing yourself in a situation that is unsustainable, and will show itself in one way or another.

    You have reached a point where you have brought up your own feelings and sexual orientation to the surface (i.e. talking to a therapist who specializes in LGBT and Gender issues, having come out to a friend). At some point, your wife/family will realize that something has changed; that you are changing. It would be good if you are the one that brings up the subject on your terms and timing to talk with your wife. It might be a good idea to think about how you could let your wife know and bring her into the larger 'discussion' so that you can live your life (without the feelings of shame and fear) and for her to have the feeling that you are honest with her, and want her to be still part of your life.

    Coming out to friends are good first and second steps. Building up support with people who you know you can trust and feel safe around, is going to be important. Having friends to whom you can talk to (even if it is just bouncing off ideas/thoughts) will make things easier on you.

    You ended your last post with:

    .... what's holding you back then?
     
    #105 Mirko, Jul 2, 2012
  6. NomadicDave

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    Hey Max
    Happy 4th man. I've been thinking about you a lot today and wondering how you are dealing with the stress. My gal and I had awkward moments today and she was sad. I wanted to rescue her (on some level) yet all I said was it will be okay. It's such an automatic reaction to feel guilt for putting her into this but I'm convinced we both will be happier over time. I firmed up my plans for my trip to Thailand and I'm also planning a trip to see an old friend in Mill Valley over the next few months.

    What a journey huh?
     
    #106 NomadicDave, Jul 3, 2012
  7. 55

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    Hang in there, Dave. Minute by minute.

    (&&&)

    55
     
    #107 55, Jul 4, 2012
  8. maxx

    maxx
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    Good to hear that things are settling down - I'm sure it will take a while for both of you to come to terms with the 'new normal'.

    I'm hanging in - seeing my therapist tomorrow and steeling myself to having the conversation with my wife on Saturday.

    (*hug*)
    Best,
    Maxx
     
    #108 maxx, Jul 4, 2012
  9. maxx

    maxx
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    I told my wife this morning. She was devastated. As hard as it is to see someone you love in pain, to know that you are the cause of that pain is unbearable. I feel like the biggest ass on the planet. Today was hard for me, but it was and is 10 times harder on my wife and her pain is just starting. The only thing worse than telling her would have been to continue to keep it from her.

    Thanks for everyone's support, it has made this enormously difficult but necessary day possible. Hopefully my wife and I will ultimately realize it was the best for both of us.

    Maxx
     
    #109 maxx, Jul 7, 2012
  10. NomadicDave

    NomadicDave
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    Oh Maxx. I really feel the heartache in your words and understand today is very difficult. I will not minimize the pain you are feeling.

    BUT, don't accept the banner of guilt because it's easy. In our circumstances it is not always black and white.
     
    #110 NomadicDave, Jul 7, 2012
  11. 55

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    My heart aches for both you and your wife, Maxx. (Same for you and yours, Dave.)

    You both have a clear vision of what needed to be done and then did the right thing for all four of you. Both of you express yourselves so well, I hope your communication with your wives going forward is what it needs to be.

    The five stages of grief are going to need to be gone through by everyone. I hope individual and/or couples counseling is something your wives understand the need for.

    As I said in my private post to you, Maxx, as much pain as you're in and have been in, and as much as you'd like to have your wife understand that pain, now is the time to help her feel she still has you to help her through her pain. There'll be time down the road for her to try to understand yours. You guys have had an extended time to process the need for this day, but it's brand new information to them, they're in shock and can't process it faster than you did.

    These are your darkest days, hang in there.

    55
     
    #111 55, Jul 7, 2012
  12. KneeDragger

    KneeDragger
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    Today is the start of the healing process for both of you. It sucks but it will get better with time. Just do your best to survive the roller coaster of emotions you'll both be riding for a while.
     
    #112 KneeDragger, Jul 7, 2012
  13. maxx

    maxx
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    I completely agree, 55. This really blindsided her - and the focus needs to be 100% on helping her come to terms with it. My guilt and pain need to take a back seat for now.

    Thanks for everyone's kind words and support, and especially those for my wife.

    Maxx
     
    #113 maxx, Jul 7, 2012
  14. maxx

    maxx
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    It's been a crazy few days.

    My wife has been really amazing through this. It is such a relief to be the 'true me' with her - and the open honesty has already improved our relationship. She has no problem with me being gay - but is extremely concerned about what this means for 'us' going forward. She has asked for some time to process all of this, which of course is fine with me. She still loves me, says it doesn't change who I am, and still wants to grow old with me.

    I'm not sure what the future holds for us - but we are going to make sure it is the right path for us - both of us, taking everything into account, and keeping our communication open and honest. We'll figure it out together.

    I'm sure there will be good days and bad days ahead, but I'm at peace now with where things stand - and know that independent of how things unfold, it's going to be alright.

    For people holding off on having this discussion - I totally understand the reluctance - but it was one of the most important and affirming conversations we've ever had. Difficult, painful, emotion-laden, but we can now start from a place of genuineness and authenticity that we've never had before. And that feels great.

    Thanks for all of your support (especially Dave, 55, Kneedragger, Chip, Tracker and many others) - it has literally transformed my life. It was only a few weeks ago that coming out seemed like a total impossibility - that I needed to suffer in silence and continue to deny something that I had struggled with for decades. EC is a truly special place - because of each of you, your support and how much you each care, I have been reborn. You truly are never too old to become the person you were meant to be.

    With more gratitude than you'll ever know,
    (&&&)

    Maxx
     
    #114 maxx, Jul 9, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2012
  15. NomadicDave

    NomadicDave
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    Max,

    Just in time. My day was tumultuous and stressful and your post had a real calming effect.

    I'm happy for you. I always sensed that you would come out of your talk with your wife and find peace and acceptance. I base this on your conversation post with your close male friend. What he said about you was/is so congruent with the consideration you convey throughout your posts. I have selfishly gained from you, 55, Kneedragger and others and I have more courage and comfort, among other things. Many thanks.
     
    #115 NomadicDave, Jul 9, 2012
  16. 55

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    I'm so happy for both you and Dave! You've both really come a long way in a short time. The closets of the world are two people emptier!

    Keep sharing, learning, caring, and growing.

    That SF gathering seems more possible than ever, brothers! (&&&)

    55
     
    #116 55, Jul 9, 2012
  17. NomadicDave

    NomadicDave
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    I'm totally up for it. What about after my first Thailand trip around late September?
     
    #117 NomadicDave, Jul 9, 2012
  18. maxx

    maxx
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    Sounds great - I look forward to meeting in real life. September would be perfect.

    Maxx
     
    #118 maxx, Jul 9, 2012
  19. 55

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    So when are we all flying to Thailand? :dry:

    If my teaching responsibilities didn't start in mid-August, I'd be totally on board with late September in SF.
     
    #119 55, Jul 10, 2012
  20. KneeDragger

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    I'm so happy to hear where the two of you are at. It's also great that you are feeling better about coming out to your wife. As you've discovered, the coming out process will change your relationship with her, but in many ways, it will make it stronger.
     
    #120 KneeDragger, Jul 10, 2012
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