Well, yeah. We all here at EC have our own lives, for instance. Yet here we are, responding to your posts, and trying to help you along. It's not an either/or proposition between living our lives and helping you out. And I think that's true across the board. Lex
Hey, if you want to write your words on the wind so that none may read, that's your choice. But I'm an advisor here on Empty Closets. It's a volunteer position that I'd like to think I earned. Because I care enough about people to want to help them live the kickass lives that I think everybody deserves to have. Lex
I just remembered what began this little crisis of mine. I went on icq the other night and went to the chat room for Bi-Curious, Someone, I think its called "pm" d me not sure. So, I clicked on the tab and said Hello? Are you wanting to talk to me? And he answered "yes". So, we started to talk. For what ever reason(maybe he asked or something) I started typing to him how I would have sex with him...in very great detail. I don't know how or why I did it...I just did. He had an orgasim, thanked me very much and I said: "My pleasure...have a good night" and hung up. Now why would I forget that until now? I've never done that before...didn't know it was really possible, although I've heard of Internet sex and of phone numbers you can call. Maybe I have a use afterall. LOL Wouldn't that be a hoot! After all this whining and wanting to be heard...I was! LOL ---------- Post added 14th Oct 2012 at 11:59 PM ---------- I really am sorry if I offended anyone...just came to me ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2012 at 12:02 AM ---------- just got your message Lexington and do appoligize...I've done something rather stupid, you see. greg
First of all, as the people before said, welcome to EC. I know I don't understand entirely what you are going through. I'm younger and have never been married. But I am an open heart and an open mind. I so much respect your acknowledgement of your truth and having the presence of mind and spirit to tell your story and reach out for advice. That is something that I find remarkable and I am humbled and laud you for it. Second of all, it is simply not true that you don't matter. You do. We all matter and we all have our own mark to leave in this world. Granted we all have our own lives and problems, but that does not mean that your problems can't be ours, that your life can't impact my own. To give you an example, I work in financial services and see many different people throughout the day and learn their stories. A couple months ago, one man lost his wife to cancer. Another young man has just moved to New York to try to become a rock star. Another died suddenly just last week, a man who I respected for his quiet dignity and character. A young lady just got her first job at a sandwich shop and I'm ecstatic for her. Another man has been fighting pancreatic cancer for a year. I think about them everyday. These are people I don't really know on a personal level, but they have affected me profoundly. I genuinely care for their well-being and pray for the best for them everyday. They have affected me and thus made me grow as a person. Greg, I have never met you in person, but I have read your story and have shared your confusion. Please know I do care about you. And you better be sure I'll be thinking about you an hour, a day, a week, a year from now. This is a safe place, and as hard as it is to confront yourself, there are a ton of people like me who will without question give you advice and strength when you need it. You matter. Nick
Now I am shameful, humbled and very stupid for what I've done. All I can say is I'm sorry and...I'm very grateful to everyone who have made a difference to me the last couple of days in my time of crisis. It just might not have worked greg
You're a good man, Greg. It's a really freaking bumpy road that we all traverse and attempt to navigate our own way. I'm really proud of you my friend! Nick
Dearest Lexington and Nick....Thank you so very much for the reality check. Unfortunately I'm not as brave as it looks. You see, I'm totally fucked up right now...took a few too many pills to numb the pain. I make this promise to you, as you have shown me so much faith. I will call a hot line, and if I've been too stupid will seek medical help.
You are still brave because you made that promise to us and to yourself, and still faced your truth. All I ask as that you keep posting and communicating with us tonight. And definitely listen to what they say on the hotline. We are always here for you. Nick
That's not at all unusual online. Some people enjoy "text-sexing" online, as a fun and safe way to get off. I've done it myself on several occasions. It's nothing to be ashamed of. If you think the pills you've taken are sufficient to cause you harm, please call somebody so you can get the medical help you need. Or let me know so I can do it for you. We do care here. Lex
Hi Greg56, Just to add to what Nick and Lex have been saying tonight, if you haven't tried calling a hotline yet, then I suggest 1-800-273-8255. It's a suicide/crisis hotline that is open 24/7 - you can call them right now. I will be happy to talk to you more as well, but first I want to make sure you're okay at the moment.
Just got off of the hot line...I don't know it helped to talk to them as much as your comments. But, I kept my promise to you. I won't be needing medical attention...I believe I can just sleep it off...and there will be a tomorrow for me...thanks to you. I think that reading the other stories might be more helpful at a later date...I think being in crisis and reading the stories was a bit to much to soon. I don't know why I blocked out of my mind, talking to that person on icq. All I can say is that, that it is not what I had intended to do, or something that I would think of doing either for myself or someone else, just not wired that in that direction. But, I now believe that it was the trigger for my present situation. And please accept my deepest apologies for giving up, when there is obviously people like you...who are willing to help. One of the things that I remembered while writing "my story", was that neither the abuse or attempted suicide attempts were never discussed...which is probably where I get the "nobody cares" view. As I wrote on the other site...the self-destructionstarted by about 12 to 13 yrs old, when I found out wrong the things were that I was doing. At age 15 I stoled my parents brand new car and drove it into the ditch at over 100 mph. Even that was never discussed. So Thank You for hearing me greg ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2012 at 01:55 AM ---------- Lexington...I can't get over how casualy you talk about the "nasties" I'm just the opposite..I just never talked about sex like it was normal, not even to my ex who taught me a lot and would explain the dirty jokes to me..I'm envious ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2012 at 01:59 AM ---------- I would like to add that I usually don't trust cartoon avatars...I like to see who I'm talking to, to see if they can be trusted, but, you've more than proven me wrong and how anal I can be(no pun intended)...LOL
I reiterate that you are a good man. I agree that all of these feelings are heavy. Really heavy, and they catch up to you. I've had experiences myself, interestingly very similar to your own... But now is not the time to talk about them (unless you want to ask). Bottom line, you are feeling yourself out in a new direction, and you can't get all of the answers at once and at this time. But you will get the support in searching for them. The bottom line is I, and we at EC, are here to discuss things and help if and when you need it. I'm so proud to know you. Nick
You can click on my name to the left there and bring up a picture of me...in full indoor lacrosse gear, but still, it's me. . And I wasn't always so at ease talking about sexual matters. It took some time (and practice), but I got there. Maybe you can, too, eventually. All things for another day. You've had enough to swim through today. Go sleep it off, and you can kick some ass tomorrow. Lex
You are a piece of work!! And Thanks So Much Nick...I'm proud to know you as well, you also have kind eyes. greg
Everyone has problems. Some are maybe less or more serious than yours... but your problems matter. To you, to those who care about you. And communities like this exist for people to be able to talk about the things that bother them. So you, and your story, does matter. Also, it is very common with abuse survivors to feel extremely strong emotions after telling their story for the first times, because most survivors were told (explicitly or implicitly) never to tell anyone or Really Bad Things would happen. And those messages, 40 or 50 years later, are still embedded in our unconscious, so when we tell, those feelings still come up. But they dissipate the more you talk about the issues. It sounds like you're doing OK. There's a lot to process but it's all just a step at a time.
Made it! Monday Morning...Good Morning to all!! greg ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2012 at 11:10 AM ---------- And to top it all off...I didn't start smoking again...I quit about month ago. greg
Good morning Greg. Glad to hear you're feeling OK today. Smoking, for someone with a heart condition, would be problematic I would think. You're best to stay off them. Easy for me to say though, because my weakness is food! It's all I can do to stop myself from eating another piece of coffee cake this morning! As Chip has said, the emotions are going to be overwhelming at first. I certainly felt that as I was coming out and coming to terms with all this. It was totally overwhelming - and that's why I credit my therapist with saving my life. I likely wouldn't have survived if I hadn't had help. Life sometimes is too much for us to bear on our own. And that's OK. We're not here alone. We're surrounded by people who are happy to help us if we ask for help. Don't hesitate to reach out to me as well if you'd like to talk.
Hey Greg, Welcome to the EC. I hope we can be good friends, as alot of what you say about yourself and what you are going through hits home. We are different Age 42, but we seem to have the same give to everyone and make everyone else happy mentality. I too have gone searching, and even though I can now say i am gay without bursting into sobs. * I never sobbed or cried* wasn't manly I guess. I will take time, and you must give yourself patience to be good to yourself. I am here for you as I hope and can see others are too. We here at the EC are here for each other and ourselves, its a give an take place. Give what and when you can and take when you need. You are cared for here. WE don't give up or go away
good god ...here I go again ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2012 at 05:00 PM ---------- bad news from the Advacacy Ctr...only for short term ...right after the incident only..Sobbing again
