Lost my girlfriend just before Christmas, grieving hard

Kelsey.....I am so sorry for your loss. There really are no words that can take the place of that one who you turn around to speak to and then remember that they are not there and never will be again. I am so glad that your mother and your sister are there with you through this. Do not try to "be tough" and handle this by yourself. In addition to your family, please seek out the help of an LGBTQ qualified therapist. There are some things that we just can not "fix" by ourselves...sometimes we just need extra help and this is absolutely one of them. You asked if anyone who has been through this would like to chat. There was a time when I would not have, could not have shared with you about what happened to me and my Tim. But with the help of the wonderful people here on Empty Closets and an outstanding therapist, I can do that now. When I was much younger and in college, I met and became a part of a group of guys in the college music and drama department. We were good friends and shared a lot together...including intimacy. There was one boy however, who was special. His name was Tim. We became friends, friends with benefits, lovers, and finally...soul-mates. I understand that many people will say first relationships don't often last, especially same-sex relationships. However, this was something very special. We were almost like a couple that had been married for many years. We completed each others sentences, we knew what the other was thinking...it was a very special and very unique bond. The other guys recognized our special relationship and sometimes jokingly called us "old ladies" because of the closeness of our connection. We had been together for almost two years when Tim became ill. He finally had to drop out of college and go home to his parents house. They lived about two hours from where we went to college. So, as I was still in school, I drove to his house on Friday afternoons when my classes were over and returned to college on Sunday evening. I spent those few hours with him and slept in the extra bed in his room. His parents had no idea that either Tim or I were gay. Then after this had been going on for perhaps five or six weeks or so, his parents met me at the door to their house on a Friday evening when I arrived. I can still quote what his father said "Get your faggot ass off of our property". Tim had apparently come out to his parents and they now knew we were more than just friends. Tim passed away soon afterwards. I never saw him again and do not know were he was buried. I was too young. I didn't have a support team. The guys in our little group were good friends, but they had no idea how to react. I was totally devastated and collapsed. I turned my back on my sexuality and over time forced myself to forget my time with that group of guys, I refused to ever again have a relationship with another guy. I would be straight for the rest of my life. I forgot Tim. It sounds impossible, but my pain was so great that, in order to survive, I "walled off" that part of my life as if it had never happened. This is what I fear for anyone who finds themselves in a situation like I was in...like you are in right now. I began my career as a teacher, eventually met a woman that I liked, married her, had three sons and then grandchildren. All the while I was suffering from an increasing depression and guilt because I couldn't keep my eyes away from other guys. I kept telling myself that I was straight just with a little kink for some guys. Deep down I knew it wasn't true...but I was really good at lying to myself. Over years the depression and guilt became worse and worse. Eventually I became suicidal, believing that I could not go on living the way that I was and also believing that I could never come out. On the night of my final crisis, I made a post here on EC begging for help...I received that help from the incredible folks her on EC and that's why I'm here today. One year after coming out here on EC I started seeing a really outstanding therapist. He has helped me tremendously. The combination of his help and the support of Empty Closets allowed me to build up the strength to come out to my wife. She is a truly wonderful person and we are staying together. I have given you a lot of this background so this next part will make sense! About five months or so after I came out to my wife I started having some very strange dreams. They involved gay sex with
guys and I kept having them night after night. My therapist and I were both stumped as to why this was happening. After about three. weeks of this happening almost every night, I finally realized that they were not dreams...they were memories! The memories of the time that I had spent with that group of guys in college had started coming back. When I shared this with my therapist, his opinion was that I had finally gone through enough healing that my subconscious mind was also healing and returning memories from something that had been too difficult for me to endure when I was younger. Then the memory of Tim returned and I was ecstatic to learn that I had a boyfriend...and such a special one too! Until I remembered how he passed away. I was again devastated. However, this time I had Empty Closets and my therapist. It was difficult...really difficult. But this time I had help and I was able to work through the pain and loss. Now I can look back and remember the wonderful time that I had with Tim.
*****The pain of my loss is from long ago now. But there are times when it feels as if it was today. I am so sorry for your loss...I can feel it as I feel my own for you right now as I type. I want to reach out and hug you and tell you that it will be alright...but in some ways it won't. I now have wonderful memories of my Tim back, but I will never have my Tim. You have the memories of your partner, but sadly you will never have her. I could say that it sucks...but it's so much worse than that. But as I worked through this I came to realize that Tim would have wanted me to go on and have a life. I came to understand that because I realized that, if it was the other way around...if it was me that was ill...I would have told Tim to find another soul-mate. I would have told him to go ahead and grieve, but not to let it destroy him...to take some time to recover and then to go out and find someone to spend the rest of his life with and to love. Not to forget me...but to go ahead and love another. So you need to go ahead and take time to grieve...it something that we need to do...it's what I didn't do the first time and it nearly wrecked my life. Yes, grieve...but don't allow your grief to ruin your life. Do what you would want your partner to do if your places were switched. When the time is right, go out and find that other soul-mate, that other wonderful person who is out there right now looking for you, just waiting for you to show up and build a life with them.
.....David