[long read] I think Im bisexual or maybe I just want to be?

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Apologese for the length of this, i doubt any will read, i had to vent my thoughts to prevent them from circling my head.... Skip down the page for the main part :S

All names used are false
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Im 21, male from UK.

I am really not looking forward to my life. I'm at work just riddled with anxiety so wanted to just get some stuff off my chest..

Growing up I always had close guy friends. I always clung to one person and was their "right-hand" man to a degree. I remember having a crush (as in, thinking about them a lot) on 1 guy in early years of school. (any attractions I had after that, Im pretty sure were repressed and rationionalised in my head to not be "gay") Around the same time(probs about 11/12), I was getting little "girlfriends" and holding hands with them and stuff, even kissed a few. I remember being absolutely obsessed with 2 girls, Poppy at one point and Gemma... but when I left grade 8 (about 13ish) I just stopped "chasing" girls. (now i look back, I think "was I just befriending them because Im gay, but covered it with being that I liked them in a way i didn't even understand?")

I stopped with girls altogether and starting hanging out with mates. From grade 9 until the end of school, i mainly hung out with a select few of mates just smoking weed and having a laugh. THe thing is, all my male relationships though - were always 1 to 1 relationships. As in, I didn't really have "groups" of friends, it was just ME and Ben or Me and Sam etc... Throughout those years I tried getting on some girls, that'd be kinda the goal for the nights out but once I get out and realise Im just a small skinny, quiet not-very-confident kid... id get annoyed and give up. There was even a few girls that seemd to like me but i snuck into my shell..

The weed was (and still is) a problem..

When I left school I starting doing other drugs and basicly for the 3/4 years i was at college, i would basicly sniff and drop drugs and enjoy my time. The whole drug experimentation thing was almost always with a mate of mine called "Tim" (not real name). Tim loved doing drugs and appeared to me as being someone who was fun, didn't want hassle and just wanted to have a laugh and a good time. I wouldn't even need to be very energetic because he was full of energy. tbh, i hardly remember how we met. All I know is that One day I was smoking weed with my mates from school... then next I was sniffing drugs with Tim and not really talking to my old mates.

tbf there was three of us. Me, Tim and a guy called "john" (again, not real name).

Eventually I stopped sniffing and doing drugs (start of 2013 i fully stopped) and then I started working at my current job from sept 2013.

When I started my new job, I stopped speakign to Tim. I was concentrating on trying to build up a career, and get myself out of the druggy and all that with excerise, working out and going to the gym etc.. I remember I was jogging daily and Tim was going to come with me, but becuase of the way my schedule worked that day , iwent at a different time to when I said I would (And so didn't go with Tim). That day he had a massive go at me saying how im not a true friend and he wants to hang out with people who stick by their word etc... I was like WTF and stopped talking to him slowly after that. (just naturally I guess? He now has a girlfriend, goes to the pub, drinks and all that.... I wanted to start a career and get secure)

Throughout last year, i stopped talkign to pretty much all my friends. Tim drifted off and so did John.


Last december I started to become aware of my homosexual feelings and attraction to people like Adam Lambert :icon_wink . IT was around this time I felt like I missed all my old friends. Tim, John and even some from school. Just wanted to see my mates again and hang out with them, The feeling of missing Tim overcame me at night and it caused more anxiety. Christmas and new years was hard because I had a lot of confusing feelings about liking guys but pretty quickly realising "yeah, this is awesome" so, on the most part accepted it. I even told my brother and mum i think im gay... i was terrified. I was paralysed in anxiety for days (even weeks maybe?), even after talking to my family (in fact, i clearly remember waking up and just HAVING to tell someone I think im gay). I just remember walking around feeling scared, anxious and just a sense of not being able to think or move properly. Everything was clouded and it felt like I was in a cold, scary bubble. (The acceptance of thinking Adam Lambert was cute came after the week or so of constant anxiety). I just remember wanted to be with my family all the time, i even went home at lunchtimes to sit with my mum (i wouldn't talk, just sit or lay with her).

Now I think about it. I wonder if I missed Tim and all my old mates because I was just alone and had no guy mates. I work at a place with mostly women and cant really feel that connected to them (feel very nervous around girls lol). Maybe I miss that male companinionship (Which I still have none of, except for my brother). But, maybe I just had feelings for him that were stronger emotionally?

One thing I never understood was why and how we spent so many alone nights together, doing drugs, getting high/drunk yet he never (as far as i can remember and am aware of) came into my thoughts in a sexually way (Since realising i have a gay side, i have fantasysed about him and... it works! lol), we were just mates... it wasn't until we stopped hanging out (A good few months later) that I felt a desire to think of him in that way.

Since unravelling all this stuff, i feel like my whole life has been one big gay lie. I feel like all the "crushes" i had on girls were false and all excuses I made for not being intimate with girls were false.

One big night that stands out is when me and my old mate from school had 2 girls round my house, and one of them actually showed her boobs to me! I remember just being nervous as f**k! then 5 minutes later my mate john (a druggy) called me, he was crying and he had been on drugs... I told him to come round. So there we were, 2 hot girls and my mate from my old school.... + My druggy mate John who didn't want to be alone.. SURELY ONLY A GAY MAN WOULD DO TIHS? To be fair, john was my mate from like 1st grade, and wen we started doing drugs we had a kinda pact that we would always be there for each other with drug-related situations. And we always were! So, i kinda felt obliged to help him out seeing as he was oyu know... crying on the phone to me. And tbh I was too nervous to get with this girl anyway! (but surely, shouldn't seeing her boobs have given me motivated and gotten rid of the anxiety?)

I stopped watching porn now as well. Still do occasionally, but in the past 2-3 months I have cut down a lot... I have been watching porn since I was really really young, but as far as my memory will allow me to remember.... it had always been straight porn and occasionally lesbian (But was never into lesbian that much really - never fully understood the big attraction).

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Now today, i just don't know. I feel like maybe I could be Bisexual?

I have no problem with liking guys becuase its the reality of my situation. When I see some guys, i feel good and a bit giddy sometimes. But when I see girls I want them so bad. Their bodies and presence is just incredible.. But I feel like my skinny little arms and cold body would repell them.

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SKIP TO HERE
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HERE IS WHY I STARTED THIS THREAD: So, I got set up (through my family) with a girl 2 weeks ago. We went to the cinema on Friday then on saturday we went to her local pub for a drink and then went for a smoke. The thing is, all last week I was nervous but exciting to go ou with this girl to the cinema. But Once I actually had to go meet her, i felt so nervous and pressured that I struggled to talk and connect with her. I couldn't "be myself" once all night. I struggled to concentrate on what she was talking about and I constatnly worried more about the way I was being perceived by her than actually just admiring and enjoying her company. Whenever I text her or talk to her on facebook I start to feel the anxiety hit me. Most of the time I've been texting her to start with, my brother was helping me text and essentially telling what to write. The whole time I wanted to, but also felt like I was being pressured. I've never had a good dialog with other girls, and ive only had sex with one girl before... I didn't actually like the girl and actually felt bad for "sweet" talking her so that we would have sex... We didn't even have full sex, I had no idea what to do!

I just feel like I really wanna message her and go meet up with her, but I feel like as soon as I see her, i just go into my shell. I feel like If I was straight/bi or at least attracted to this girl, I would not go into a shell and instead just want to have fun.. but instead of having fun I go inside of myself and don't feel like I can open up with her.

I feel like I should be Bisexual. Thats what I feel like my identity is, it feels normal and right. But at the same time, It feels more likely that I'm shielding myself from the terrifying truth that Im gay and will never be able to love a women like how I want to. Ill never feel excited about a women to the point where she is all I would need. When I was younger, i felt I wasn't ready to be with a women and I was too shy. But now I fear that I just was never meant to love a women....

Im fine with liking guys and admiring guys, but I want to be with girl and I feel like Im lying to her and its not fair to her. In the same way that I feel like its not fair that I cant feel fully comfortable with her... But, maybe, isit normal to feel the anxiety and worry that i feel when Im with her becuase I have had a total lack of communication with girls and smoke way too much weed in the past couple of years.

Another thing (possibly related to weed) is that I am really paranoid that my brother is going to take this girl away from me. (different brother to who set us up) He is younger than me, but looks older than me. He is clearly 100% straight or at least very confident with his sexuality. He is a bit of "stud" and finds it easy to talk to girls and get girls. The girl I met up with has a sister and my brother has been messaging her a lot! I feel like everytime he is messaging her sister, he is really messaging "my" girl. (sorry - that was confusing even for me to write) I wouldn't mind, but because of my consistent shyness when Im with her and the fact i probably bored her - i feel like she will prefer to go with him. He is fully straight, a lot of fun, always smiling and just a lovable character. Im just Repressed and useless to her.

I feel like maybe a reason my self-esteem is so low around her is because she met with my brother twice before she met with me... and if felt like I needed to be like him. Im very different to him, im softer, more artistic/musical and slightly more feminine. He is just a lot of fun.

And also, what if I am just gay and when Im 50 I just decide to accept being gay...what a waste of life? (because by then, it'd be obvious to me that none of this was true - but today, I still want a women)

Overall, i feel like any girl I get with, I need to tell them I like guys - but then bisexually just seems so illogical to me. Even I, don't fully accept that bisexuality exists and yet I feel like I am one. To me it seems to exist because I want a relationship with a girl but then what if that is just because I want to be "normal". When Im with my family, i feel like I can be myself and when I feel liek "myself" I want to talk to girls. But when IM alone, at work, on the internet... I feel like im just a gay man who craves a guy and is repressed.

Frankly Id love to go out and have lots of fun with guys and even tell friends/family but when it comes to spending days together and being in love i want a women!

I feel like im a fairly intelligent person and IF I was fully gay - i woulda just accepted it. But I want a girlfriend - it just feels like a constant lie if I don't tell her the full truth.... but then, if i say "OH I like guys as well" its kinda like Im saying "Im gay, and your just my cover-up"

I DUNNO - Just wanted to vent these anxious thoughts into the web. IF anyone can help me, id love to hear thoughts ><

 

I don't think he'll read your response anymore after such a long time and leaving the site...
But it was nice reading your story (*hug*)