I just turned 40 several months ago. I find everyone around me just keeps getting younger. I work in a very rural area. I have never been in a serious relationship after coming out when I was 21. I guess I have always been caught up in my career. I also have major trust issues and I think sometimes I’m always wearing armor to keep others out. I have friends but I don’t have an emotional bond with anyone. I finally landed my “dream” job but I’m very unhappy and extremely lonely. I sometimes wonder how I missed connections during my 20s and 30s as I feel at my age it’s challenging to date or find anyone willing to work on a meaningful relationship. Somedays I fill invisible and on the outside looking into life.
BluesFan.....Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. I'm guessing that your username means that you like the Blues...me too! I'm a musician and have played and directed groups that have played the blues, swing, basically all types of Jazz as well as classical concert band and orchestral music. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
I do get what you’re saying. I have felt like that too. I don’t feel lonely all that often as I try and keep myself active but occasionally I have felt a bit lonely. I’m quite comfortable with myself and when I’m on my own, time just flies so I don’t feel it that much for someone who only realised his sexuality in his late thirties. I didn’t know what what was happening in my 20s and 30s so I have certainly missed a lot at that time, and I do agree with what you have mentioned about staying on the outside and looking in.
This is a big issue that seems to be getting even bigger as people are less connected because of the media, the digital world, and all that. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all look back and say we should have gotten more involved, been more proactive, and done things differently. You can still put yourself out there. It might be more challenging if you live in a rural area. It all depends on what you want. That's for you to identify more specifically and you don't need to share that. I think that it would be good to look at this that you are alone - at the moment - but not lonely. That might sound too pie in the sky. You can get involved with hobbies and things you can do on your own and do things where you pamper yourself and enjoy your own company. I've gotten to this place and some people think I'm a little weird for it. If you really like your job, do not let this affect that area. Also, trust issues are all too real and valid. You can't just shut them off. They come form things we've experienced in our pasts. As for numerical age, there will always be people in your age bracket experiencing similar things. Having friends who are similar to you and about your age sounds like it could be worthwhile if you're not involved in something more intimate at this time.
No advice really, but I feel for you. I've also never been in a serious relationship, and feel very unhappy with that given my age. It's actual hard work trying not to focus on regrets, but I have been managing for the most part, lately anyways. I guess I just need to push myself to get out there more.
Welcome to EC and I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Having a job you like is a great thing and maybe you could use that as a step to a job where more gay people are, if you want. It sucks some of us fall through the crack of life and never meet a guy to connect with in all those years and then another several years pass before you know it. If you haven't yet, a therapist is probably a good idea to start trying to find one since it might take a while. At least you are not burned out of your job, but that might not be far off if depression and loneliness continues. Glad you found us and hope you feel better!
I'm so sorry to hear that you are lonely and feeling depressed. I live in a tiny town of only 400 People. If everyone gets out on the road at the same time they still don't cause a traffic jam. My home is in a resort community with short-term vacation rentals. I can join in on community events, visit with people from all over the country, or sit alone in my recliner and stream movies. I have an ideal living arrangement. I also have a boyfriend, I don't consider him a partner because we don't live together. But, I have thought about what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would try to get involved with LGBTQ+ activities or volunteer projects in the area. Most small towns are within driving distance of larger cities. Where I live is about thirty minutes from two larger towns and an hour from two of the state's largest cities. I would find a way to put myself out there and create the type of life I wanted. Sitting around and hoping things will get better never works. I am also a list maker. I would make one list of what I want my life to look like and another list of the steps to take to get there. It always helps to have a clear vision of what you want, and how you are going to proceed. If you just take one step you will see how liberating it can be. One small step almost always leads to another. The next thing you know you are running. I hope something I've said helps, I'm 68 and live a complete life. You can too.
