Living with persistent suicidal ideation

I’m sorry you’re going trough this. Having been no stranger to suicidal ideation myself, I can relate to what you wrote… Even though everyone’s demons are unique and I can only imagine how hard it must be on you to deal with them for such a long time.

You don’t have to face your demons all alone. There are people here who will listen to what you want to share. By all means, I want to and will listen to your story. I might not be able to offer much more except an attentive ear and a word of support and encouragement, but so much I can promise.

Best of luck to you!

 

I’m sorry, but, well, you literally just wrote that you’re experiencing menstrual symptoms - and if you don’t trust yourself, there’s enough evidence that trans women can (and many) do have menstrual cycles and can experience PMS and PMDD. Due to certain anatomical differences, the most well-known symptom - bleeding- is not present, which doesn’t change anything, really.

Some research suggest that brain of a transgender woman is actually closer in structure to that of a cis woman, than of a cis man. (E.g. “Brain Sex Differences Related to Gender Identity Development: Genes or Hornones?”, Jiska Ristori et al, 2020)
Besides, what is a body is essentially a mechanism piloted by the brain - the one part that matters the most.

 

I’m sorry for the tone of my previous reply, I got too emotional and not in a good way.

Thanks for sharing your poem. “Devouring real estate in my mind” - that line, IMHO, describes perfectly how it feels when imposter syndrome strikes and you realise it, but can’t really shake it off.

 

It seems normal to me to want to die so I relate and it sucks we have to keep doing this. I'm waiting for death, there's nothing for me here, just days to pass by until whenever is the end. I won't do it myself but I'm not trying to live longer either, which often causes lots of health issues that slowly get you after years in the nursing home, so that sucks too. I hear about kids getting cancer and it's such bs, I should have it so they can have a life if they want it. Sadly some of them are in shitty homes so they may get some relief during the treatment and death could be an escape from abusive family for them. I'll take stage 5 cancer and let it go and be done, it's fine. A little warning like that so I can do a will or whatever and sell everything so family doesn't have to deal with my junk. It sucks you get stuck here with no choice in the matter. It is nice to let out the thoughts since like you said, people in real life don't want to hear it. can only tell therapist and people online these things and never talk to family about what I really feel like and how much I hate waking up each day. I wonder if they think I'm actually happy or know I'm not and don't care.

 

Static - does your wife know about about your persistent suicidal ideation? Have you talked it over with anyone, say, a therapist?

Hugs, Beth x

 

I can’t stop thinking about what you wrote.
Sure, the people around might not be willing to talk about such things, because, let’s face it, absolute majority of people are terrified of the very idea of death, it’s literally the norm to cling to life at all cost, even when it does not make any sense and, possibly, is just wrong. I’m a firm believer in universal human right to live… But does it have any sense without the right to die with dignity?

That out of the way, did you try to speak of your feelings to your wife, or a therapist, like Beth has suggested?

 

I have to admit, Mnguy, I passed over your post last night because, frankly, I was rendered speechless by it.

"There's nothing for me here". Really? REALLY?

What about friends? Love? Family? Hearing an incredibly moving piece of music? The smile on the face of someone you're fond of? A really good book? Great sex? Art? Poetry? A really funny film? The natural world? A beautiful sunset? Warm summer evenings? I could go on..

Oh and I'm with you, Rain. Who wouldn't love to be a cat? No work, free food and you get to sleep for most of the day - I'm in!

Beth x

 

I get it, there is a dark side where you have rage that seems as if it can't be tamed- and it just builds, forcing graphic, horrendous things to form in your mind. You can let it out to me if you'd like- I pass no judgement nor would I even have the right to. One thing is clear though, you need to tell someone. Holding it in is not doing you any favors. Neither is that internalized transphobia. Take it from me, bottling it up only makes it worse. Also, we care about you- we all want you to be happy, because you deserve to be happy.

I've had days where I followed this mentality- are you sure the people who care about you know you suffer? I don't have the option of telling some, but you do. Talk to them- ask for help, for ways to cope or even just seeing them more. Life has never been fair, especially for anyone who was decent and suffered from cancer- but you have options for help just like they do. Not all options will be effective but they can help. Look into it at least

 

I thought the point of this post was for people to talk freely about SI, since people irl get too worried and don't know what to do so they call the cops. Besides the ER bill, cops often shoot people in the US when they come to "help", so no thanks. I don't feel that way all the time but was sharing various thoughts that come with SI for me. I've told this all to the shrink over the years and he knows I won't kill myself.

 

I’m sorry, I think I might have misunderstood the point of your post. By all means, feel free to say what’s on your mind. We’re all just trying to be helpful here, even if that sometimes goes awry.

I agree with you that talking about such things IRL can and does lead to, let’s just say undesirable, results - that’s just the way people are taught to react combined with fear of death.

But in my personal opinion (and it’s just that, an opinion, based on whatever knowledge and experience I have at the moment - for what it’s worth), desire to die or lack of desire to live typically has some reason. And if that reason is dealt with, things might take another turn. I’m all for the right of choice in such matters… But it’s a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem and there might be other viable alternatives that could be tried first.

Either way, I respect your thoughts and opinions, and appreciate that you decided to share them.