I know I need to talk to a therapist, I'm on a waitlist, because even though we have free therapy for people in certain age ranges in Canada, you pay in the time you spend waiting to actually receive the service. I just want to pass already, I hate looking feminine despite having my hair cut in a men's style. Maybe it's the PMS talking, but I've just been feeling so done with trying to politely correct people every time they get something wrong. I could list off everything I hate about myself right now, but I know it's a mix of dysphoria and PMS bothering me, which only makes the dysphoria worse. I just want to pass at the bare minimum, and I feel like that's so much to ask. Sorry for the little rant, I'm not expecting anyone to reply, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Dragon Fanatic.....So sorry that you have to wait to see a therapist. I hope that the wait won't be too long. Give your kitty Leaf an extra hug and snuggle...that's what I do with my kitty Biscuit when I'm down. Something that I forgot to mention in my other post to you...you like dragons...I have a cute golden dragon statue on my desk that my son gave to me after I came out to him. It's chest is painted in rainbow colors! The thing with my son was really special. He will be 40 this year and of my three sons, he is the most like me. About six months or so ago he came down to my office when his family was visiting. He was nervous and started talking to me about the LGBT community. At that point he didn't know I was gay. After a bit he finally got around to coming out to me as pansexual. Then he started explaining what that meant because he expected that I had no idea about LGBT terms and their meanings! While he was doing that I was thinking...should I come out to him now or not? By the time he finished I had decided it was probably the best possible time and I told him that I understood everything about the LGBT community because I was and always had been gay! He was shocked! Then we had an old-fashioned crying and hugging session and a long talk about how much alike we were and how all this worked out in our family. I told him that his mother knew and had accepted me, that we had chosen to stay together as I valued our family more than wanting a boyfriend or any hookups. It was a very special evening. I had been out when I was young but turned my back on my sexuality when my boyfriend/soulmate died. That led to 40+ years of depression and self-hate that only ended when I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay and came out here on Empty Closets in 2014. With the help of a wonderful therapist I was able to come out to my wife in 2016 and my life has been so much better ever since. I've shared all of this with you because I want you to know that there is hope...that you will be able to find the kind of life that you want so very much. Sometimes it just doesn't happen as fast as we want it to and that can be really tough. I know that you want so much just to pass, and that can be difficult when you are pre-everything. In my "Greeting Post" to you I mentioned several FtM youtubers. Watching them could help encourage you as you see that making it through to your desired goal is possible. I'm not any kind of a makeup expert, but are there ways to use makeup to make yourself look more masculine? You've already started wearing a masculine haircut, how about adding men's clothes? ...you probably already do that...just a thought! I am so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets...stay with us and we will do our best to help and support you in any way that we can. Remember, you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! .....David
I completely understand, and I'm so sorry you're struggling with that. I am too; both the therapy and the treatments. They seem miles away sometimes. I empathize with that. What I can say for certain is that better is possible, in all things. Our self-image, our mood, our health; each can be improved. They cannot be fundamentally altered without serious outside intervention, but we can make them better every time we try if we know how. That's something I'm still learning too, to be frank, however I know a few ways that help. One, for certain, is to take a deep breath, drink a big glass of cold water, and give yourself a hug. If you have someone nearby who will give you one, take that hug instead. This isn't a cure for depression of course, but it will oxygenate your bloodstream, hydrate and cool your body, and stimulate the feel-good receptors of the brain. Of course, if just little things like that could make people feel better about big problems, we wouldn't need transitioning at all. These are just a means of mitigating the time in between realization and actualization; the hardest time there is. Sending you big hugs, dearheart! We're all rooting for you! ^_^
