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Just can't settle on anything

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by skloorrpt, Dec 27, 2020.

  1. skloorrpt

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    Oh boy, here we go again. I just can't figure any of this out. I really am starting to think that I'll never be able to say with any confidence what my sexual orientation is. Something about being straight doesn't feel quite right, but I also don't really feel "comfortable" being gay, it just feels wrong to say that for some reason. I don't really know if I'm attracted to men other than one specific friend of mine, and I don't think I feel very strongly about women either. I think this could just be a self confidence issue though.
    Anyways the way I feel about this friend of mine is the whole reason I started taking the confusion about my orientation so seriously. Since that's happened my friend and I have fooled around a bit, which was fine, a bit awkward the first few times, but I enjoy it I'm starting to get more used to it. We've even tried to have sex a few times, but I've had trouble keeping it up, which hasn't been an issue with any of the other stuff we've done (except for the first time we ever tried anything). It's super embarrassing and I feel bad because I know he wants to and I think I do too, but the fact that I have trouble is making me second guess myself.
    One thing I've noticed is that I enjoy it in the moment when it's happening, but afterwards it's almost like I can't believe it actually happened. It's like I'm surprised I would actually do something like that. This could also be because I've usually had at least a little bit to drink when we start. I don't know maybe I just have to be in the mood because a lot of times I do fantasize about it if I'm feeling a little horny.
    Another thing I've noticed is that I seem to obsess over this and maybe him too. I think about my orientation quite often, pretty much every day. I also think about him a lot. I think he's interested in a relationship, and I think I would be too, but I'm not sure I'm really in a good place for something like that. I just don't want to lose my chance to try it. To be honest I can't really see myself with anyone else at the moment, but that could just be because of a lack of connections with people in general. So I'm not really sure what to do.
     
    #1 skloorrpt, Dec 27, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2020
    old tacoma and Lemony like this.
  2. Lemony

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    Sounds like you could be bisexual?
    I’m Bisexual and It can be really confusing. I didn’t start questioning until I was 13 when I started developing feelings for my friend.
    It takes time. It will be okay. :heart:
     
  3. old tacoma

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    @skloorrpt
    Relax... He’s your friend. You don’t need to decide your entire sexual orientation based on your feelings for your one specific friend. Sounds to me like you both want this in your friendship. I think that is great! This is an opportunity for both of you to learn and grow.
     
  4. 10 5 gang

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    What's your fantasy life like?
     
  5. Tymee

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    You don't need to decide one way or the other. How about you be happy with whoever comes into your life (male or female). You don't need to label yourself one way or the other just to be happy. I think you're overthinking the whole situation, just be you and be happy. Not sure if I helped.
     
  6. skloorrpt

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    I know it takes time, and I have considered that I could be bisexual, but something about that doesn't feel entirely right to me, but neither does straight or gay really. I don't know if I can explain it exactly. I think it could be because of the fact that I was raised in a pretty catholic family. That seemed to lead to me having this idea that being gay was bad and I think that still influences the way I think about all this even though I know it's wrong to think that way now.
    I also know I don't need to pick a label just because of this. I would just like to be able to say with confidence what my orientation is. When we are together I enjoy it and I feel happier, but I worry that it's just because we've been friends for so long. I worry that I'm just confusing a close friendship for something else. I don't think I've ever really been attracted to someone before and this feels like the closest I've come I guess. He's the person I'm closest to, and he's already come out. I ended up telling him I wasn't sure of my own sexuality a couple of years after he came out and that sort of led to all of this.
    I appreciate the responses!
     
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  7. skloorrpt

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    What exactly do you mean? If you're asking about what I fantasize about when I'm horny or masturbating, lately it tends to be my friend if I'm not watching porn.
     
  8. old tacoma

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    @skloorrpt -
    I wish that I could sit down with you and have a frank discussion about your orientation questioning. Your own words are telling you what you know to be true in your heart. So what if your first real love relationship is gay? It is who it is that matters. You and your friend clearly have a connection. And my advice is to embrace this opportunity. Just my perspective.
     
  9. 10 5 gang

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    Yes is it gay straight or both? What are you focusing on?
     
  10. Omegduh

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    Honestly, whatever you are at the end of the day is okay. If you are attracted to your friend that is also okay. I've been attracted to close friends of mine too. You honestly don't sound super straight to me, but that's only based upon what I have read. Have you had crushes on anyone in the past?
     
  11. skloorrpt

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    I know it shouldn't matter, but I feel like a part of me still has some sort of problem with being gay. Or maybe it's just that I worry what people I know would think if they knew I might be gay. Either way, I'm not even entirely sure how I feel about my friend. There's just some kind of anxiety that makes me wonder if its real love or just a very close friendship that I'm confusing for something more than that. After all, I'm pretty sure I've never been in love before because the way I feel about my friend isn't like anything else I've felt for anyone before.
     
  12. skloorrpt

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    To be honest, I don't think the porn I watch would be a very good indicator of my sexuality because it's kind of strange. Since you asked though it's almost always gay and it's been that way for like a year or two now. However sometimes I just feel like watching something straight, or at least straighter, and that really doesn't help all of this.
     
  13. skloorrpt

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    I guess based on this post and previous posts I don't sound very straight, but I still feel unsure about myself. I thought that I have had crushes in the past, but none of them have ever really felt like the way I feel about my friend now, so I'm sort of wondering what those feelings were and if they were actually some sort of crush or not.
     
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  14. old tacoma

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    @skloorrpt
    I do not know you except from what you have written here. I do not know your friend at all, except from what you have written about him here. I really can only speak from my own experience and perspective. I urge you, don’t let this opportunity pass. Regardless of how your friendship or relationship or love develops, you and your friend can grow and mature through what you both share together. You will both be better men from the experience.
     
  15. skloorrpt

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    I guess I haven't said much about him here. I suppose I should mention that he is gay and is out to most people as far as I know. He's also said that he thinks we would make a good couple. So I know that he's interested for whatever reason. I think I want to try it too but there's a few things that make me wonder if I'd actually like it. I also just worry that something will happen that will mess up the friendship, and I don't want to ruin it.
     
  16. old tacoma

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    The following is a quote from a blog on another site that I read a while ago. See if these words could be from your friend —
    Think of your friend saying this to you, “Don’t overlook this guy, me, who is right here in front of you, when I am with you. Because you may just find that I might be the best friend, as well as the best lover, of your life.”
     
  17. skloorrpt

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    I'm not sure how I would react. When we are hanging out I am into it, I like when we cuddle, spoon, and fool around a bit. It's weird after the fact though because I start to doubt it. When I think back to when it was happening it's almost like I'm surprised I did any of it and I feel weird about it. I also think that it's difficult because I've never been in a relationship or maybe even in love before, so I don't really have anything to compare all of this stuff to.
     
  18. old tacoma

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    What you just wrote ^ indicates that your heart and soul are in sync, and are ok with your relationship. Your mind, however, hesitates. Why?
     
  19. skloorrpt

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    I could probably write an entire essay on all the reasons I hesitate and question if all of this is genuine. I guess it could be a self confidence thing, I don't really have much of that.
    I also just wonder if I only feel comfortable doing all of this with him because we've been so close and known each other for so long.
    This one might sound a little weird, but I just don't feel gay. I suppose that one might be rooted in some of stereotypical things I thought about gay people and the beliefs I was taught growing up in a Catholic family. Although I don't have any problem with gay people anymore, I think a lot of those stereotypes and beliefs still have an impact on how I feel and how I'm handling this situation. I also think it's a little harder for me to accept it if I need to because this time it's me that might be gay and that goes against the way I was raised but also the image I had about myself and what I was supposed to be until I was in my late teens.
    Another thing that I worry about is having to come out if I am gay. I suppose this sort of leads back into the self confidence issue. I guess I fear judgement and I worry what other people mostly other friends and especially family would think of me. Unfortunately my mom found out that I'm unsure of my sexuality and it makes me super uncomfortable. When I think back to how she found out and remember that she knows it makes me cringe.
    Like I said, I could probably keep writing for a while about this, but I'll wrap it up here.
     
  20. old tacoma

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    @skloorrpt
    Reading your posts is like reading about myself 45 years ago. I had a “relationship” with my best friend in high school. We were truly the best of friends. Totally closeted, it was a very different time from today. We went our separate ways after graduation because my family simply could not afford for me to attend the college that he went to. We remained friends for years and would occasionally see each other, until he died suddenly when he was 33. I often wonder what our lives might have been if we had been able to be out and on our own together. In the same way, I have posted here about a guy who I have loved and the impact he has had on my life just in the past couple years. Little did I know he and I were attending the same college at the same time, not knowing one another. Again, I wonder what if we had met back then? I will never know. What I can tell you is I did not feel gay then, and I still do not particularly feel gay now, but that is based on the gay stereotype that our straight culture continues to put forth. I was/am what the sites would call “straight acting” or “masculine” or some similar kind of label. Back then in college, and for years and years, I didn’t know any gay men who I could identify with until, through a coworker of my wife, I became acquainted with a gay couple who broke all the stereotypes, and quite frankly, are two of the most loving committed guys I have ever met. I always knew who I was inside, I just thought what I was looking for was unattainable, until these two guys made it clear to me that I was mistaken. I just didn’t pursue my sexuality because I never met the right guy. You are young, take it from an old guy, I see no downside to you or your friend from what you have written. Your friendship, your relationship is solely between the two of you, and what the two of you make of it together. He is willing. You may discover that he just might be not only the best friend of your life, but maybe also the best love of your life. It’s a risk, I know, but do you want to look back and say “Well, I gave it my best shot” or “I wonder what if” — that choice is before you.