Hi everyone, thanks in advance for any advice. I'm out as a gay woman to everyone (including everyone in the family and friends) except for my mother. She is old-school Irish Catholic, and as I've adjusted my outward appearance to be more masculine over the past four years, she's grown more outwardly homophobic. The comments have led me to believe that she already knows, but doesn't want to know, hoping that somehow what is evident isn't real. People, such as my godmother, have even attempted to tell her, which she refuses to believe. So, I think it only has to come from me. A few years ago, I had gotten an undercut and she kicked me out of the house for looking "like a dyke" and that she "loves me, but wants nothing to do with me because approval and acceptance aren't the same." She "forgave" me some days later. Essentially, after that episode, I've kept my life under lock and key for the time I've been out, pretending that dating doesn't interest me. She really knows nothing about my life except for my work and a few select friends. The reality is that I live with the love of my life overseas and we are getting a registered partnership in early May. My father, who I hadn't spoken with in 15 years, died in February. That, paired with my upcoming partnership, has made me really sad that neither one of my parents really know (knew) me and aren't (weren't) part of my real life. That being said, it also feels terrible to feel like both of your parents have chosen to abandon you. I'm 30, and that may sound silly, but it's how it feels. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to hide my partner anymore. But at the same time, I don't want to lose my mother. I'm an only child with just one surviving parent, who, if I had the choice, would stay in my life. It just feels like it's come to an inevitable fork in the road. My mother and I don't live in the same country anymore. I'm just visiting for two weeks for vacation, and for once, we are getting along well. It feels like the time to say something since we are together in person, but I don't know how to handle the anger and rejection. In some ways, I feel like writing a letter may be better, but at the same time, I feel like it would be important for her to see the struggle emotionally I've had over the past 25 years to come to terms with this. But, I don't know how to initiate a conversation. I also don't know how to time this. I don't know to do it now, or wait until just before I go. Thoughts?
I don't know if I have any words of wisdom, maybe just some words of support. I am also an only child, so I get the position that you are in and how that feels. To make matters worse, I am the only child of an only child so I have no aunts, uncles, or cousins on that side of the family. Being an only child drastically affected my choices and reactions to dealing with my sexuality.
Thank you, Apollo, for the words of support. It’s certainly a tricky position to be in. I at least have the support of her siblings and all her friends. That at least gives me some sense of support. But as you know, nothing like a parent.
eismeister.....If you have the time before you leave, I think you should still consider the letter. However, follow up the letter within say the next day with talking to her in person. Or perhaps a little sooner, if you feel it would be better. That letter will give her a chance to think for at least a little bit instead of having a "blow up" right there on the spot when you tell her. It may not make any difference...you can never tell. But it just might help give her time to think about it like she did when she kicked you out of the house, but forgave you a few days later. There is no way to know for sure...but it might help. Please keep us updated with how this works out and remember...you are a member of our LGBTQIA+ Family and we do care. .....David
I agree with @quebec. If you write a letter while you're still there and give her a bit of space to process it, maybe it will allow the two of you to discuss things in a calm, respectful manner. Try not to bog the letter down with too much detail, but highlight the parts that most matter: how you've been grappling with this for a long time, how it's taken you this time to be okay with who and what you are, and that above all, you want her to remain in your life; that being gay isn't a choice, and that it would mean the world to you if she could see past her own perceptions and remember that you are and always have been her child. That what you have with your partner isn't dirty or sinful, but the same kind of love that she no doubt held for your father. I don't think it's silly to feel the way you do. It can be incredibly isolating, especially when you want to maintain a strong relationship with family and know it clashes with their beliefs. I hope things go better than you anticipate. I hope, with time, she will see you for the person you are, not what she imagines your relationship to be.
