Where to begin? After a lifetime (nearly 40 years) of keeping my sexuality firewalled from the world, largely due to living in environments and social conditions that were anything but favorable to being myself, I thought I finally escaped all the crap and had a chance to live a singular life. So...context I suppose. Tossed out very young, garbage parents, foster homes, transient existence, unhoused, incarcerated, hospitalized...every setting and theme of some awful made for HBO tragedy porn drivel you could imagine I have lived. Hasn't been a good time, to say the least. Severe PTSD I managed to wrestle under control, drug dependence I've gotten a handle on, although every ambition and hope I've at some point harbored got crushed mercilessly along the way. My freedom, family, friends, homes, communities, basically every aspect of human existence has been stripped away by someone or something. You roll bad that first toss and the losses just keep coming, as is typical in our world. The one thing I managed to keep secure from everyone and everything else was my sexuality. So, I find a new partner after failed relationships performing heterosexuality, this time a trans masc early transition individual with a similar background, and I figure I'm safe to be open. Not so much. After encouraging me to be open I got a lecture that I was somehow erroneous (clearly insecurity at work, still not a positive experience), must accept their superior understanding of human sexuality, and ultimately ended up so deeply humiliated that the last thing I was left clinging to has been stomped into dust, burned and removed from any semblance of my custody. At the same time that sexuality, now thoroughly stripped of any hint of myself has become an accessory which provides them with validation and support in their transition, while I simply keep my damn mouth shut. So, what was the tiny hidden gem in my life that I was clinging to in hopes of one day managing to enjoy an open existence that nobody could rip from my grasp is now something I must keep under containment, and when the slightest miasma of sexual desire escapes the bunker it just leaves me feeling suicidal, which given the road to this point I don't speak of to my partner, and I have few friends, none of whom I'm close with, for fear of somehow exposing what a miserable existence this has become. My own spinal injuries, PTSD and assorted other health problems notwithstanding, my partner is quite disabled and I now look forward to spending the balance of my days caring for and waiting on them, doing all domestic work, other work, and providing support of various sorts, while impatiently waiting until I'm allowed to escape this mess of a life I know with certainty isn't improving. Am I nuts? Selfish? Does it completely suck that I had to offer up the final unmarred shred of my humanity to provide someone else with comfort and validation like that? I dunno. Given the rest of my life has largely revolved around laying in front of the bus so better people with actual opportunities can benefit I guess I should have seen this coming. I've tried to simply purge all traces of my own sexual being, but ultimately it just becomes a feedback loop of resentment and frustration and sometimes unadulterated rage that after everything else this got ruined too. I don't get the point of any of it.
Catlike.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. *****In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
Catlike.....Now that the welcome is done... I can only express my condolences for the life that you have been forced to live. I have had some pretty tough times, but nothing like what you have. I am not a therapist of any kind, so my advice is just from one person to another. It sounds to me like you - in reality - do not owe the person that you have called your "partner" anything. You post sounds like you have been used repeatedly and there is no human kindness or loving emotion coming to you from them. However difficult it may be for you or for them, you need to leave. It's as blunt as that. If everything you say is true...then you owe them nothing. Make what ever arrangements that you care to or that you can, pack up and go somewhere else no matter how difficult it may be. You do not deserve to spend the rest of your life in this situation. I realize what I am saying is harsh...and I very rarely give anyone harsh advice, but I think...if everything you have said is accurate...that leaving is the only way that you can possibly ever have a life of your own...on your own terms. Please feel free to continue to share with us here on Empty Closets so that we can offer help and guidance. We really do want to help! .....David
