Is He Gay?

Hi CharacterStudy...firstly, great and appropriate username.

I'll try and respond or answer to your areas of concerns hopefully it will be give more information on our friendship.

You are right, I don't ask him out much and he usually initiates contact. When we first started talking via fb, I did initiate our first convo and majority of the 6+ months leading up to us reuniting in person. I felt at times I was maybe too eager and I didn't want him knowing I had liked him at the time. Over time, being busy with work and life, I didn't contact him as much (hence why we went 10 months without hanging out a couple of years ago). After we both reconnected and caught up, I mentioned we should not let that happen again so on average we see each other at least twice a month.

Because CG is in the picture, I try not to contact him as much. I did take him out to the movies recently, (where we ran into my old friend), I made plans to pick him up from work and i was the one who came up with the vacation idea. I didnt see it from your perspective because as I mentioned, I volunteer at his job on the weekends so we see each other every week so it's assumed I would show up. I can do better with making plans and sometimes when I do invite him, he'll decline because of plans with CG or whatever.

In terms of gifts, I always joke about him getting me something whenever he goes on vacay but i havent in a while. I have given him christmas gifts every year even though I don't celebrate christmas and like an idiot was the only one to show up on his birthday with an actual gift. (Everyone showed up but no one gave gifts). I've randomly given him a GPS system bc he drives and I don't. When I went overseas, I brought back special coffee, novelty chopsticks and a bracelet. I offered to get him something for his office but he hates decorating his office and making it "homely" because he doesnt want it to be like home.

But you raise a good point. I've thought about this before but what always stops me is the fact that I dont want to come off as clingy. And i do still hold onto the immature notion that if someone wants to be with me, they'd make an effort. Perhaps subconsciously, Ive done this to corey.

On CG, i think you're right about maybe he's comfortable. He does get complacent at times in other things so i wouldnt rule it out. I dont necessarily think hes with her because he thinks I dont give him any hope. it could be true but not the cause of why hes still with her. I think hes still with her because all their friends have met each other, he lives with her, they all hang out often and their lives have intertwined. I dont know his of her friends well enough so i can come and go as I please. (his friends are mostly from the same college, her friends are her core group - I have no ties to either friends, being I know him from high school).

In terms of apologies, I do apologize if Ive done something wrong. I didnt feel I did anything wrong so I didnt apologize. However, in an attempt to not cut him off, I did bring a peace offering gift. In retrospect, I couldve told him how upset i was and deal with it on the spot. I have grown a bit to let him know if something bothers me from now on. The thing about us is I get really intense when im upset whereas he think nothings wrong and wants to avoid talking about things. We have discussed this afterwards and I told him I prefer to talk things out rather than pretend it didnt happen.

I wasnt upset at corey for not telling CG to butt out. I told him it was going to be us two when I made the plans. This was my first family free vacation ever. When he contacted me later, he said do you mind if CG tags along. I didnt want to say no for no reason so I said sure and i said let's invite Amy. I wasnt thrilled CG was going but I told myself it was a trip to celebrate my accomplishments at my job. What bothered me was corey said we can all do our own thing - I even got a hotel room while they stayed with his brother but everyday he would say he wanted us to hang out and it usually ended up being CG's plan to reunite with her old friends. I was upset that he wasnt being fair and kind of pressuring us to do everything together which was usually what CG wanted.

Two months ago, I told him how I felt and he said he didnt have a clue and on vacations, he usually likes to relax and not do anything. It bothered me that he wasnt being fair to me and amy. Amy was offended during the vacation because she mentioned wanting to go to the museum. CG and Corey both shot it down saying it was boring and they would fall asleep. Amy got offended and thats what led to the tense moments and us deciding to actually do our own thing. Since we've gotten back, things have been weird between him and Amy which was why we spoke about it.

I'm curious about why you don't think I'm confident. I would love your insight on this. I am confident outwardly, but internally like everyone else, yes I do have insecurities.

In terms of apologies, yes I have apologized to him plenty of times. He has pointed out I apologize too much. However, in our major arguments, I dont feel I did anything wrong so I didnt apologize - i did attempt to reach out to him to make up our friendship - the peace offering, me showing up at his job, etc. I have made an attempt, in his case at least to not cut him off. With Dave, yes, I've had an unhealthy relationship with him. We had poor communications and everytime we tried to compromise, we never were on the same page. I have cut him off in the past (which never worked in our 8 years), but recently against corey's advice, I did speak to him again. I told him I was in a relationship and it was great - so he could move on with his life. We havent spoken since christmas and corey said hes happy about that.

I do not think corey owes me anything. It's extremely the opposite. I don't ask him to take me out, I dont require he contact me all the time, I dont expect anything of him. It may be a defense mechanism where I feel that if my expectations are low, I wont get hurt - again, not a good thing (VERY EXTREME) but I have a problem depending or needing people.

This is not a corey thing. Corey and steve know that I have issues stemming from my childhood (not using this as an excuse) and it takes a while for me to trust someone. My parents raised me to be very independent so sometimes yes, it can hurt others feelings. The positive side of that is I'm very ambitious, I do things my own way and I've always taken care of myself - I worked since I was 15, paid for my own college tuition, little credit card debt, etc. Corey likes that i dont care what others say, that given my circumstances ive positive and accomplished a lot. But i do recognize that being independent means you're alone most times. I'm grateful that I have steve, corey and now sean as my close friends and I am trying to being less standoffish towards them. And of course I know couple, relationships of all kinds inevitably will have misunderstandings and Im trying to find more ways of compromising instead of being stubborn.

Since Corey quit his weekend job, occasionally, he does contact me during the week and we'd talk. I also contact him first to send him things i find funny or randomly but i guess i can do more. We were supposed to go to his friends housewarming in 2 weeks but its his and CG's anniversary so I'm on the fence on whether I should go.

Btw, I appreciate the comments you've made and your insight. it allows me to be more self aware.

Also, sean always says "the world doesnt revolve around you." perhaps he has a point. :icon_sad:

Pvd: I read your post, when you visit him see where things go...perhaps it'll be clearer once you meet and spend time with each other.

bookreader: I've given it some thought...i would but we'd have to take it slow. First, I think he needs to be single for a while (to get over CG and experience being single as he tends to relationship hop). Then after that if he still feels the same, maybe we can go slow and see where it goes...theres a lot of things involved - does he find guys attractive or is it just the person?, is he going to make it public, etc.

someguy01: perhaps...but what is the expected result of this? will he break up with CG? I have no idea. I guess time will tell...but in the meantime, I'm going to continue living my life.

Sorry for the long post guys! (&&&)

 

Characterstudy,

Prompt response! I'll try and clarify to hopefully better give you insight onto him.

yes, we're better now on contacting each other but of course I can initiate more than him. Corey does contact me more and invite me out more than I do. I'll try and balance it out. And you're right, if he doesnt expect it from me, it'll probably mean more.
For the most part, I've volunteered but he knows that I used to hang with steve and gave up hanging with steve to hang with him. There were days I didnt come in (tired or other plans) but 80% of the time I was there.

I gave him the bracelet. He doesn't wear it but he also got me a bracelet as well. Not sure what it means, I got him a jade one, he got me a leather one.

He's mentioned how nice he thinks it is that I have a close relationship with my younger sister but they havent met. My sister is shy and so she doesnt want to meet my friends - we also have a 6 year age difference. I havent cooked for him because as we discussed, it's kind of stressful cooking for someone else because you're afraid they won't like it. I have gotten better in terms of letting him "touch" me. I usually just let him do it now. I've told him in general, and he's seen that i dont like being touched - just a thing.

In terms of coming out to my parents, my parents are old school so I dont feel comfortable coming out to them - especially because we dont have an open relationship. Asian families are known for not being very emotionally open. It doesnt mean i wont ever, but i prefer to be in a long term relationship before I tell them i'm gay. Sean and I connect on that level because sean is the same way, his family knows but it's something he doesnt talk about openly with them. Sean is latin though.

Me and Corey don't speak about CG when we're alone. He says he knows me and her dont know each other well (his nice way of saying he knows i dont like her) so I don't know too much about their relationships only based on what Ive seen. I think they've been together almost 4 years now. Originally she moved in because she needed a place to stay while she went to school. She moved back out for a year then moved back. Corey is my age, 28. They're relationship is ok from what i've seen, she seems to be more affectionate than he is. Sometimes he'll play it off and sometimes he'll reciprocate.

The birthday thing was just weird for both of us. I didnt think i hurt him, but he thinks I did. I didnt see it his way and youre right, I didnt apologize, however, he did lash out at me so at that point i didnt feel the need to apologize. (Him saying that "next year i'll just treat your birthday like a regular day"). This past birthday he did let me know that he assumed i had plans and if i wanted to do something, i can. I told him i did indeed have plans with sean and a couple of our friends and since our birthdays are about 2 weeks apart, I just told him id see him at his birthday.

Yes, i see your point in positive framing. He rarely tells me whats going on - usually telling me last minute in a subtle way (recently he said hes thinking about getting his own place, i told him not too and we dropped the subject.) I did tell him recently some family stuff going on, but i told him i didnt want to talk about it and he volunteered some family stuff about himself.

Corey told me CG was going on the trip via txt and it was more like "do you mind if CG comes along?" I couldnt say no and i knew she probably wanted to go because she knew his brother lived there. I didnt know, I just randomly choose where I wanted to go. In terms of road trips and such, he mentioned it and never followed up which to me sounded like something he just put out there so i didnt bother following up either. A couple of years ago, i did mention us doing a trip together but he said it sounded like a romantic trip and it's weird so i dropped it. This time around, he mentioned a trip in august and im assuming that since he came up with this, he's most likely going to bring CG along.

When CG took the lead, i wasnt upset because i wanted 1:1 time with him. I wanted to do a boat tour, amy wanted to go to the museum. CG wanted to go somewhere else. What bothered me was that he squashed Amy's idea and was trying to make us do CG's idea even though he had mentioned all of us doing our own thing. So when we went to the park (because he and CG wanted to), he turned and asked me and amy what we wanted to do because once again "it up to you guys", I laughed and he got upset. That night, we all went to a play and he ended up switching seats with CG to sit next to me (CG ended up sitting behind me) and we talked.

The next day, I did the boat tour by myself and when we met up that night for dinner with CG's friends, me and corey were a bit quiet but we sat next to each other. CG wanted to go to a club and I wasnt sure i wanted to (because I'm not a club person.) Later on, i assumed something happened because she changed her mind and was going home. CG's friends still wanted to go clubbing and so did amy so I said I would go back to the hotel. Corey then says "well you should go out." I was offended because I know he knows i'm not a club person and also because I knew he wanted me to go out because he wanted me to keep an eye on amy since we dont know the city and he wanted to make sure she was safe.

While that was a fair rationale to have, I felt like i am not amy's babysitter and i hate that he was trying to manipulate me into going by saying i shopuld go clubbing instead of saying i should go and keep an eye on her. So i told him, "you just want me to go to keep an eye on amy." He denied this saying "no you should go and have fun." i was furious so I said "fine, i'll go and have fun." When we got to the club, CG's friends said "did you notice corey and CG look like they had a fight?" I said i didnt, but the friend said he could see it in their faces. The next day, once again, we did our own thing but met up for dinner and had fun. I decided to let it go because I didnt want it ruining our trip.

Amy and him havent spoken. We all met up once, but that day, she was a bit moody and disengaged and he mentioned lately she's been rude (being on her phone all the time or sleeping while we're having a convo - he told her if shes tired/sick not to hang out but she came and slept the whole time.) I mentioned maybe shes still upset about the trip and told him but he said it was fine and if she acts like this, he doesnt want to hnag out with her. But she mentioned making plans 1:1 with him but they cancelled and havent made any effort to meet up again.

amy and CG arent as close either. The thing that bothers me is CG always takes Coreys side, especially on this situation. I prefer to get all the facts before i make an assumption. like that club night, CG jumped in when i was talking to corey defending him saying "no corey didnt mean that, he meant you like to club" or whatever and i was going to say "it's between me and him" but i didnt want to be rude. She tends to agree with everything he does or says. He likes football so she watches football. He like certain shows so she'll watch it with him. For me, I dont think thats healthy. Corey has tried to get me to do things but if i dont want to do it, i wont. if i do, i do - and i expect him to do the same. Having your own hobbies, opinions, etc makes for a great relationship in my opinion.

I'm eager to hear about the insecurity issue. Corey used to say that about me. Thanks for the Dave advice, I think its for the best as well.

I find it very surprising how he is with me and guy friends/boyfriends, etc. He hasnt met steve since high school so he knows steve but they havent been introduced (steve says he doesnt want to meet corey or any of my friends unless im dating the person). What bothers me is that i only introduced sean once on steves birthday dinner and corey keeps asking me to invite sean out to our events (i think to guage him). i told corey, me and sean dont hang out all the time and we're just friends. He keeps hinting that sean likes me, or steve.

One time we went to dinner, (,e, corey, amy and CG) and I was talking to the waiter and corey spent the whole night looking at the waiter. I wasnt even flirting with the guy, all i said was "what drink do you recommend and laughed."

We've had "future" talks, he mentioned a bunch of stuff he wants to accomplished but hasnt really done any concrete steps to work towards them. I've accomplished all my goals and always set more goals to work towards which he says he's proud of. In terms of the future with him and CG he hasnt said much, he mentioned a long time ago, him and her arguing a lot and how she was insecure. but nothing as of recent. I think he prefers to be a hero of the relationship and having someone depending on him. Since i'm not that person, perhaps he's afraid to step outside of his comfort zone.

The way i look at the relationship is like this: CG is a bit submissive from what ive seen, agreeing with him, picking up his interests, etc. In return, they've intertwined their friends to become this "it couple" who has things together. On the other hand, I am a person who doesnt really care about things like that. I dont care about being an "it couple" i dont care what others think of me, and i;m very independent and stubborn. It's easier for him to be with someone who needs him than it is to be with someone who acts like they dont. (he mentioned his past relationship where he managed to get his ex to get a job and go back to school) he prefers to be a hero. I prefer to do my own thing, so it's a different dynamic.

I appreciate your harshness! (well, no, not too much harshness hahaha) I'm not pining all my romantic life on him. I hang with sean a lot as well as other friends. While that may be hurtful to corey, i think because sean and i are single, it makes sense for us to hang out. I do agree about spending one on one time more with corey.

you mentioned you have a husband? are you straight? just curious. I look forward to your response.

 

Hey bookreader,

CG and I get along fairly well, but by no means are we close. If she was not dating Corey, I honestly wouldn't be her friend. I don't dislike her, it's just one of those friendships that can't be forced.

Some of the things that she does (and I'm trying to be objective) I don't agree with. Some examples:

- When we first met, I asked to taste her drink as we were talking about it and she says "did you get tested yet?" I was offended but later on when I told Corey, he told me she doesn't like drinking out of the same cup as other people.

- She asked me to add her on Facebook which I declined as I don't feel the need to validate our friendship on social media and she made a big deal out of it until I caved in.

- She tends to be judgmental and critical of his friends, myself included. She would mention if i used a word wrong, my NYC accent, etc. I don't believe my use of words or accent is an indication of my intelligence. If i mention something, she'll say "Oh I didn't know you knew that..."

- One time, we went out for his friend's borthday in which the bday boy got really drunk. The enxt time we hung out with him, she waited until Corey wasn't around and said the the bday boy "Please don't get too drunk this time, we don't want a repeat of last time" and I was sitting there in disbelief because I couldn't believe she would lecture the guy.

- She often mentions how her school and her job (she goes to a prestigious school) which as Corey has pointed out can sometimes be annoying. I feel like it's great to have pride for the school you attend or the job you have but it should not be validation of who you are as a person.

- I often feel like she thinks she needs to compete with me (for no reason). I knew she was upset Corey took me as his +1 to a wedding a couple of years back and she recently got an invite to a wedding and was on Facebook talking about how exciting it was for her (I'm assuming because she's taking him). I also was invited to another wedding but have no plans to share it on Facebook nor am I planning to take him as my +1. I didn't even mention it to him or her.

- She checks my Facebook often (as well as Corey). I've mentioned this before but there have been times where I'm catching up with them and she'll slip and mention "Oh I saw that on your Facebook." while he says he didn't know. I notice, if I do post a funny picture or post, she'll do the same a few days later.

- Speaking of Facebook (how immature do I sound right now? :bang, after Corey's Birthday dinner where Sean attended, she added Sean on Facebook after only meeting him that night. I felt really uncomfortable but more confused as she didn't even speak to Sean that night. Sean actually didn't even know her name because she didn't bother introducing herself and she sat next to him most of the night.

- I met a friend of Coreys that night and we hit it off; I met the friend again a couple of weeks later and we were talking about the show and CG was saying she didn't watch that show. As a joke, the friend said "you suck for not watching." Unbelievably, when we watched the Superbowl and I asked if the friend was coming, CG muttered "She said I suck, I'll never forget that" under her breath. It had been over a month since it happened!

For me, I think some of these actions are guided by her insecurities within herself. I'm not judging her for it, but I don't believe you should let your insecurities dictate your actions. I just choose to not associate myself with people who I feel sometimes over calculate their actions and in a sense, are not their true self. I'm very simple and prefer my friends to be themselves as opposed to what they portray to the public. So while me and CG are not close, I'm cordial to her because of Corey.

Hope I don't come off as me attacking her, just some observations I've noticed.

 

Hey characterstudy,

Hope your weekend was relaxing,

I would like my sister to meet Corey, maybe this year will be that year.

I see your point, I do try and avoid more uncomfortable things and he has hinted about the food thing so hopefully there's another chance (we usually go out to eat).

Corey mentioned getting his own place, I didn't further the convo because there were so many distractions at the time and a small part of me assumes that he most likely will be moving in with her. Actually there's a good chance that will happen - most of his friends have gotten places with their significant others and as mentioned before, I suspect they probably want to do what others have done. NYC is a very expensive place to live and since my parents have a house, I don't see the point in moving out and paying rent if I can contribute to the mortgage.

You're right on the apology and I will keep that in mind for the future and curb my stubbornness. I tend to be very stubborn in these situations. I'm sure that this year's birthday, he will probably be invited to any bday plans since me and Sean have now met. At times he is very passive aggressive which I hate. I'm very direct whereas he sometimes takes that passive aggressive route which he knows I hate (he has pointed out how he knows I hate that) so I get upset when he does it because he knows i hate it.

You're spot on in our dynamic in the beginning. It seems to have changed throughout the years. We're not club kind of guys. What's interesting to point out is every since the last time we clubbed with CG's gay friend and his other friend hitting on me, he hasn't invited me out to the club. I think he either told CG he doesn't want to go to clubs anymore or he doesn't want me seeing them again so he doesn't make plans including clubs. We did go to a club last year but he danced with CG and I danced with his friend. He and CG pretty soon after arriving but I stayed.

Amy and Corey havent spoken in about 2-3 months. Things were off for all of us when we got back from vacation as Amy was starting her new job so she didnt have as much free time, and we all were returning to our jobs as well. We did meet up that last time where Corey thought I was flirting with the waiter and Amy was there but she was zoned out/on her phone through most of the night. Since she tends to do this a lot, corey said from now on he's not going to invite her out since he thinks it's rude to do that. Amy contacted him not too long ago to meet up but they postponed and nothing came from that.

I agree with CG being younger and eager to please I just think that when she goes on and on about how important it is to be independent, gender equality, etc, it's somewhat hypocritical to then give in to him often. To be fair she does spend time away from him with her friends but watching his shows, listening to his type of music, etc. To me at least is too much. If it's not my tastes, i wouldn't go for it.

I've mentioned things I want to do, if he wants to do it that's fine but generally I do it myself or with other friends who want to do it. He has pointed out in terms of picking a restaurant for example, i tend to be indecisive and always referring it back to him. I've made more of an effort to interject my opinions in those types of situations.

Insecurity - i think you've hit the nail right on the head. I think everyone has an outward calm demeanor but internally unsure about things. I find myself conflicted on that a lot.

I agree he's overprotective with me and any other males. I've mentioned him physically moving me away from a guy i started talking to saying something like "he's bad news" or whatever (i mentioned this in one of the posts). He's not as touchy as before but he does hug me or randomly put his arm or head on me for no reason...well super bowl night face caressing was because my team was losing. As I mentioned before, I havent seen CG's gay friend since he flirted with me that night.

I agree things now are a bit more complicated than before, but I'm optimistic. Like i mentioned before, I feel there is a lot of unsaid things in this relationship where we have this quiet understanding (probably out of respect for CG). I'm a believer that if 2 people want to make it happen, it'll happen. Yes there will be long talks and clearing up misunderstandings but i think in being in a relationship, you learn these things about one another and work through them together.

Then again, I'm not married. :icon_wink

I am cordial with CG and I'm ok with that. I try to bite my tongue at time when she's a bit condescending but I know Corey knows when I'm getting annoyed and usually he'll change the subject. I wouldn't try to tell him about her since he's a smart guy and knows this. I feel it isn't my place. if she does offend me I would mention it, but otherwise, it's their relationship.

For the wedding coming up, I didn't invite Corey because it's weird to invite a guy with a gf and in my opinion, not appropriate. I'm sure if i did, CG would probably have an issue with it because the wedding is before her wedding and i'm sure she wants to be able to take him to a wedding herself.

I'm uncertain as to why he invited me and not her. I've met the bride and her cousin before and so i'm assuming that would be the reason why, but it would've been a good time for him to introduce CG as well. He introduced CG to the bride a year later on at a party where CG mentioned that he didn't take her to the wedding. I never asked for a direct explanation though.