In love with my straight best friend

Regardless of my actions, i truly care about him. I care about in a romantic way, but I also care about him as a person. I worry about him and i truly hope that nothing bad happens to him. I now understand that I cannot help him, he can only help himself. I also know how bad his drug addiction is. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed giving him head; but i also knew that his addiction has only increased. It's hard for me to give up on him, but i have to do it. Its even harder because I feel like i can help him change. He has a few friends, but none that will help him. I feel like i am his true friend. All of this has take a toll on me. I don't understand why he started taking pills? He has an amazing family. I just don't understand why? How can someone that I grew up, who was such an amazing person and a talented soccer player just throw his life away like that? Why does not realize what i am trying to tell him? Why, why, why? I know i am no one to control his life, but I just don't want to see him dead. That is my biggest fear. The fear of getting a phone call and someone telling that he overdose. A part of me wants to give up on him, then again i still have hope that I can still change him. I am a kind person. I always want people to better themselves, to grow and be better. Although we both used each other, I really did want him to stop taking pills. You guys don't know how much i tried. His passion is music and I was hoping that we would use that to stop taking pills. I am going to try my hardest to not contact him even if he contacts me first. Its just hard knowing that my friend is killing himself slowly and I can't do anything to help him. I don't have the type of heart to just forget about him. To not worry about him. Maybe its because I love him, but I also care and wants whats best for him. Thank you guys for reading and for your replies.

 

Pain killers on the kitchen counter
It all hurst so bad
You take a few a day
You numb yourself and get away
It's kills me to see you hurt
You are immune to pain but
All the pain is killing me
Tell me how not to be hurt
When I see you doing wrong?
You feel pain, you take a few more
Now the pain is gone
My pain get worst
Shit, I am ready to give up on you
Then again, I was told to never quit

I decided to start writing to help me ease my pain

 

Have any of you ever felt lonely, weak and empty? It's like I can't accept the fact that I am gay. Or maybe I just don't want to accept it. But how do you deal with? When you feel like the whole world is going to judge you and criticize you? I feel alone and hopeless right now. I smile without wanting too. I have hard times problems waking up. It's as if the thought of being gay is killing me slowly. I am a strong individual but at times I just want someone to hold me down and tell me that it'll will be ok. That it is ok to be the way I am. I want to be free.

 

I agree with all of your opinions. I just wish you all would understand that before it go the way it did. I put aside my feelings in hopes that he would stop using pills. You have no idea how much I part each day for him to stop. I realized that instead of helping him, I only damaged him in various ways. My intentions were always good with him. They really were. I acted in a horrible way. I feel like we are each others poison. And I agree I have to get a new habit and just keep busy. I will no longer contact him even if he contacts me. In reality I really did want to help him. And that I can say with the bottom of my heart

 

I know I am not an angel. The only two things I regret doing was paying him for naked pics and for paying him to give him head. At the same time, we all have options. He could of said no. Not that I am trying to justify my wrongs. All of that also made me realize how much of a pill junkie he really is. Prior all of this drama. When I realized he had an addiction, I told him I wanted to take pills. He got them for me right away. And of course I didn't take them. I threw them away. I told him that I had taken them am that I actually enjoyed them. I did the same thing again. Then I told him why he hasn't told about them and I ask him how long he had been taken them and what are other ways of taking them. He pretty much told me everything. I then knew he had a problem. When I finally approached him about we fought and fought and fought. He then told me ha had a problem. This was the first time I told him I was willing to help him. He told me he was going to stop taking them and just smoke weed instead. I offer to buy him weed without realized he was using the money for pills. In all honesty I just wanted him to stop taking pills. I don't regret paying his phone bill or buying him shoes and clothes. I did it because I wanted too. I did it because I wanted him to realize that with hard work you can buy certain things and love a lifestyle. I did not know we were going to end up like this. I text him today and I apologize for everything that I did to him. I told him that I caused him nothing but problems and that I wanted to help but if anything I made things worse for him. He said it was "ok." I told him it was not ok. I've been suggesting to him to change his number since about 6months again. And he never did. Today I begged him to change it. He didn't want to so I offer him that I would pay for him to change it. He said " I am fine for
Now, but if that's what you want me to do I will do it." He finally changed his number so that will solve a lot of our issues. I know I am not an angel. I know what I did wrong. I became a horrible person by trying to help him. My intentions were not to take advantage of his weakness. I guess I was tired of being used and lied too. Then again it was my fault for putting myself in that position. I can say that I truly did love him. I finally know what it's like to love someone even if they don't love you back. Like fairy tales, our story does not have a happy ending as we both hurt one another. But it sure was one hell of a story. Now, now, I can say that I took the first step on moving one with my life. I can finally focus on myself. And I don't want to portray myself as the victim. I know my wrongs and I don't have a problem admitting them. Ill keep you guys posted as to what happens next. Oh and one more thing, I can't wait for the day that I will no longer dream about him, think about him am worry about him. Please feel free to comment, and give me advice. Tell me your honest opinion. I enjoy harsh criticism

 

California coast, thank your replying to me. I guess I am just stupid when it comes to friendship. My intentions are always good but at times my actions say otherwise. I never felt like this before not have I gone through anything like this with anyone before. Today was a better day. I feel like I took the first step towards helping myself. I also feel like I can't trust people. I don't know why. I have trust issues. I really do think I need to meet new people in my life. And in all honesty, I've been feeling like shit. I've been liking my friend for over 2years now. Like I mentioned before, him and I click so well but yet we can go off on each other and hate each other in .5 secs. I just need to learn how to let go and let God. With all of this I also learned that I cannot help anyone. And the best way to help others is by not doing anything for them. They have to help themselves. Just like me, I can only help myself from selfdestruction

Seriously, thank you everyone for reading my posts and replying to me. This is the only place and I talk to you guys about this. You all have been very helpful. I am strong I have not gave up now and I refuse to give up now.

 

If anyone cares. I am doing much better today. I haven't been thinking about at all. I am also eating and will be seeing a therapist tomorrow morning. Hopefully all of this will be over before I even know it

 

Suicidal thoughts just keep getting stronger. Don't know why? I feel as if I am living a lie. As if I am letting my parents down

 

A few days ago, the thought of killing myself got to me. I am glad I did t do anything stupid. I can now say that all of this has come to an end. He changed his number and I deleted his email so that both him and I don't have a way to communicate with each other. I can't lie, the pain is still there but I learned my lesson. I grew from this horrible experience and I am happier now. I can see much clearer now. I barely think about him. I guess things will only get better now. What I got from this is experience was that although I wanted to him, I was only damaging myself in all possible ways. Now I can say that I want nothing to do with him. Even if he ever asks me for help or anything I won't be there for him. Not that I am a bad person, but simply because I no longer care. We both hurt each other. I wish him nothing but the best and now it's all about me. I need to take care of myself. You all have been amazing thank you all

 

Here we go again. He text me today and asked me if I wanted to do it again tomorrow. At first, I am not going to lie. I told him that I would do it. Then I followed by textin him this. "To be honest dude, i no longer want to do any of that it is not good for both you and me. If anything it is making things worse between you and me." and he said "cool we do not have to do it it is up to you" I replied "no lets just not do it anymore. when you truly need money let me know I will give it to you you don't have to do anything." and he said alright. and I said "do get mad bro but if you want it to buy pills do not lie to me, i will buy them for you just don't lie to me and i do not want to bring anything up i am just simply telling you straight forward its your life dude like i told you before, i cannot control your life nor do I want too. but ill support whatever you do just promise me one thing? i know you are having fun doing your thing and i do not blame you take as many pills as you want now dude but just promise me that when you are ready to quit you are going to tell me even if its a year or two from now." and all he said was "yeah" and then i asked him to hang out with some friends and i next month and i followed by saying "alright ill let you go gotta get back to work have a good one" and he replied "ok dude if your up to do one last time lmk" I told him "no! you need the money? how much do you need? and he replied "no i don't i was just saying if you change your mind but ok i'll hit you up later" then i told him that i would do it only if he would cum on my face (hormones got to me by now lol) so we proceeded on talking about the price and how long i would do it for. we were talking about it yaaaadaaa yaaaadaaaa yaaadaa. etc. then I said "i am sorry i just rather not. you will probably hate me even more. You are my boy dude. Like literally dude you are my friend and i still consider you my best fucking friend." and he said "lol, yea dude lets just not talk about this over texts r'd rather talk about it in person. I agreed with him. long story short we were texting about other things then i told him that for both him and i not to bring it up ever again. then he said "wanna do it last time tomorrow for less money? so we agreed on doing it tomorrow i just don't know if i want too do it or not? we are suppose to talk about everything tomorrow after we do it i just do not how i feel? should i do it or not? and he said this "i cna't make my dick stay had when you are on it though it hurts and i get turned off you know but ill try my best lol you gotta be more easy on it cause i feel thats why i cant get it up I wont want to get techincal but you rub your tounge way to hard on it lmao i am sure i can keep it up but just be easy on it." at this point, i do not know if he is doing it for the money or if he really wants to do it and he may be sexually frustrated i do not know. I mean i offer to give him money without doing anything when he needed it but yet he asked me to do it again tomorrow? at this point i really do not know what to think and or do.? do not get me wrong i am excited, but at the same time i want to make the right decision i do not want to do something just because i am horny

 

Thank you guys for you feedback. It is all appreciated. Ok, so him and I have been hanging out. We talked about a few things and things seem to be going back to normal little by little. I've been giving him head for the past 3days. He claims that he hates it, but he always gets hard. He said he wasn't going to be able to get hard because of the pills he takes, but yet with me I am able to get him fully hard lol we laugh about it now. I told him that we should just have a good time now without any labels and he agreed. He just asked me for me not to fall in love with him. I think he might be gay or at least bi. He tries to tell me that he does not enjoy heading head by me and that it hurts a bit but yet he gets hard lol and he also says that with girls he enjoys it but yet he is still a virgin lol he is an amazing guy overall I just don't know if anything is ever going to happen between him and I. He also said that he is nervous to have sex with a girl. I mean at this point I don't know what to think of. I guess we are just having fun for now. Usually when I give him head, he puts a time limit but next month we are going on a small vacation and he asked me "when we go on vacation next month there won't be a time limit" it's something that I was going to suggest but he beat me to it. Overall, I still want him to stop taking pills and he said that that was going to be his new year resolution. Maybe I am stupid for not giving up on him?

---------- Post added 25th Sep 2013 at 12:13 AM ----------

Also, I feel that he might still be a virgin because he is not that big down there. Maybe he feels uncomfortable with his size. He might not be bigger than 5inches when hard. This is my assumption I feel weird asking him though. We hung out today and had a good time laughing and flirting a bit