I'm not suicidal, but I don't want to be alive.

From reading your post you seem like a smart girl who knows what you want to do or at least try to do. From your picture you look to me just fine how you are. Don't feel down or bad about yourself. The one thing I like to do is put in my earbuds, go outside and just run. It helps me think about things and become motivated.

Don't worry about others around you right now and focus on making yourself happy. Rise above. I hope this helps you seeing as how I'm not too great with giving advice but I truly hope this helps even a little.

 

You might want to see a doctor about this. I don't know too much about ADHD and if it could just be caused by that, but it seems like you fit the major symptoms of major depression--lack of motivation, boredom, not wanting to live, not wanting to do things you usually enjoy, and physical exhaustion/sickness. I don't want to diagnose you because I'm not a doctor, but I've been treated for depression before and I felt a lot like the way you described.

Hang in there! It'll get better

 

(*hug*)

 

When I was depressed I still got lonely and wanted to do stuff with people. And when I was hanging out with them I felt better, but the good feeling quickly left as soon as I was by myself.

 

You sound alot like me. I'm not enjoying my life, but I don't want to kill myself either. I'm not motivated at all. I'm pretty sure I'm ADHD but can't afford to go anywhere and all my friends live away from me. I feel ok when others are around too, but I'm by myself a large portion of the time. I have no apetite and have thought a couple times of starving myself but don't because I see how worried my dad is about my weight. I have intense emotions and break down all the time these days. I hardly even gather the motivation to shower sometimes. I drink to get a peaceful night's sleep sometimes and even when I sleep I have nightmares.

I wish I could offer advice, but all I can really do is commiserate with you. It seems like alot of things are just building up inside me. What are perhaps the reasons you have been reacting in such a manner? Try to work through one conflict at a time and sort out these problems instead of ignoring them or turning to other sources. Work on your self esteem by looking in the mirror and speaking well of yourself.

I'm sorry if I couldn't help, as I'm currently trying to work these same issues out myself. :icon_sad:

 

I'm diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder/ADHD-Predominantly Inattentive). I have the same motivation issues you describe. I've tried explaining it to people with various success; it's like I can want to do something, but trying to do it just feels like dragging my head through mud. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that most work feels so much more difficult than it really is to get started. However, once I've started it, I tend to pick up speed and it gets easier. However, finding that motivation has been a long-running major issue for me.

I have found some success, but not via the doctor. I'm a very scientific person myself, definetly not huge about "Alternative" medicine. However, most MDs tend to be out of date when it comes to ADHD, as it's really not a priority. Most of them are at roughly 90's area of information on the disorder, and hence their response is to usually just prescribe Ritalin, if anything.

Meds help. However, despite what your doctor says, do not use them every day (if they're stimulants, which most ADHD meds are). Any kind of stimulant that acts upon dopamine in the brain will build tolerance after prolonged use, some times in as short as a month of daily use. Tolerance means that your brain has adapted to the medication, so that now, you're your "normal" self while the meds are working, and once they wear off you get worse. Stimulants like Adderal, Ritalin, Dexedrine, Vyvvanse, etc, should be used when needed, like when you need to study for a test. Then take a break for a couple of days. That way they'll always work when you need them, and you won't have to deal with crashes every day.

However, has your doctor considered the possibility that you suffer from Bipolar Disorder? Since you didn't mention any manic episodes (periods of extremely elevated mood, with grandiose delusions and extremely hyper behavior), if you do have it, you're probably a Type 2 sufferer (periods of low mood, sometimes with major depressive episodes, however no extreme mood fluctuations such as those with Type 1). Your description of your emotions "going up and down like a yo-yo" is consistent with those suffering from Bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder causes emotional fluctuations, which are often not triggered by any apparent event. You may be feeling perfectly happy eating lunch, and then go out for a drink and suddenly feel like shit for no apparent reason. The next day, you're happy again. The good news is that there is medication to treat this disorder. Lithium Carbonate is usually prescribed; it produces a flat, even mood. Some may find it slightly blunts their emotions, but it may be the stability you long for. It usually produces a very even, calm, peaceful mood. Think of it like it normalizes your mood, produces a smoother curve, without the abnormal spikes you seem to be suffering.

Another thing you can try which may help you (and is over the counter), is L-Theanine. A lot of (legitamate medical-journal) studies have examined it's effects on the brain; it promotes alpha-wave production in the brain, a state associated with calm relaxation, such as when sitting quietly with your eyes closed. It may or may not help you, but it's definitely been shown to have beneficial effects on healthy people.

Intuniv may also be of use to you, since it's relevant to both ADHD and chronic anxiety treatment (anxiety may not necessarily be fear, it can often be very similar to depression). It works by reducing a specific neurochemical in the brain, cAMP, which in turn strengthens neural connections to the Prefrontal-Cortex. Prefrontal cortical malfunction has been associated with ADHD as well as several disorders involving mood regulation issues. This drug is a long-term treatment method, it has effects that last beyond your actual usage of it.

 

When you desperately crave change .. and someone as powerful as your counsellor says "...learn to accept yourself" ... it can be a bit of a shock to the system. Or like a slap in the face. This might be why you are feeling so shit.

But I would go back to her and discuss this at your next session. She may be able to expand and make you more comfortable.

All the other advice you have been given here is good too..

 

I have felt this way before. I wasnt really suicidal but I wanted to be numb - like floating on my back in the middle of the ocean during a full moon kind of numb. Engulfed in a sense of nothingness.

But its not a healthy way to be. I sought psychiatrist help and I found that helped. Getting out and living is the best way to face this problem. Doing something helps you get out of you head and into th real world

 

I can totally relate to most of this, but namely that attention part that you mentioned. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted to be so thin to the point people would stare, too. And I was already in danger of becoming unhealthily thin! Everything I did, made, or worked on was for someone else to see. I wanted someone to notice something was wrong, someone to get me to talk to them. It's not that I was too shy to get attention, it's that I most of all didn't want to give off how badly I craved it. I would instantly feel better around people with whom I was interacting because I was getting that attention, that validation.

I wanted their attention, their congratulations, because I was insecure, and like your counselor said, hadn't accepted myself. Learn to accept yourself, learn to love yourself. A great way to do this is to BE yourself. Dress how you want, act how you want, do what you want. And if you want to go curl up in a corner and think about things, do it! A bed may be more comfortable however. If you're worried about losing people by being yourself more, remember: Your family will always be family, and you will make friends that like you for the real you.

Hope I've helped!