I think I might have ruined things forever...my life is such a mess

Hi everyone!

First of all, thank you so much for your comments, you're all lovely! (*hug*)

I haven't been on here in a couple of days because I've wanted to be with Martin as much as possible. Things aren't really weird or awkward between us which is good. We still haven't discussed the fight we had a while ago and I don't even know if we should? I don't know if it's necessary to bring it up again.

Me and Martin have talked a lot though. I now know where he was when he wasn't here. He was angry with me, went to John's (of all people, they're not even that close!) place and went out and got drunk off his ass two night in a row, and during the second night he realized he didn't really want to be there and that he didn't really want to be with John so he left and went to his sister's place. He stayed there for a couple of days and they talked a lot apparently. Like I said before, she was a bit shocked but still very supportive. She knows about me and Martin and thinks we make a cute couple haha.

Me and Martin have talked a bit about stuff that's happened (not The Fight, though) and I think I now partly understand how difficult this has been for him and I want to kick myself for being so selfish. I'm such a burden for him, especially now that I have this stupid illness to deal with too. Martin doesn't like talking about his feelings and he didn't really say much about how hard it's been for him, but I know him so well so I can tell even though he didn't explicitly say it.

Martin's taken a few days off work so we're going to my family's summer cottage today, just me and him. He thought we needed to spend some time together and also that we needed a change of scenery and I definitely agree. We're leaving as soon as I've been to see my doctor and we'll be back on Sunday. I'm going to try and get my doctor to let me go off Prozac and switch to another anti-depressant instead since Prozac's done nothing for me.

Dragoness: I'll reply to both your comments now since I didn't have time to reply to your comment last time I was on here.

I'm going to reply to all your messages here.

An LGBT support group would be nice, maybe. The thing is I don't know if there are any in Sweden, though. Sweden sucks in that way.

Martin's definitely not a talker. I think he needs to overcome that, though. I would like to be able to discuss our problems without having him freak out on me, though. I do feel like we had a nice talk yesterday though.

We haven't talked about the future of our relationship yet, and I think having such a conversation with him would be difficult. I think it's necessary to have such a conversation sometime in the near future though. Also I'm with you that I agree that he probably likes me a lot and want to be with me since he's come out to his sister and everything...at the moment he's willingly tearing the walls that he's built around him down and I love that. I love him so much.

I'll try to remember not to blame myself.

I agree that this fight was a big milestone for us and I feel like we've come out stronger.


PatrickPH:

Thank you so much for taking your time to read my thread!

I agree with you here; I obviously can't know for sure but I'd suspect he wouldn't be with another guy, so it's not like he just came out as bi/gay. I know he told his sister about us but skipped telling her his sexuality - in my opinion that is because he still doesn't know. But yeah, telling his sister probably means he really wants to be with me.


Resu:

Thank you, I'll try to help him realize that but I have a feeling that'll be easier said than done, unfortunately.

I've told him he's really brave already and I think he liked hearing that. Him and his sister are close, they're twins btw, and I feel like he's been avoiding her recently and I hope for his sake that that'll change now. I agree that she's a good choice of support!


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Again, thank you everyone for your comments and support!!

 

Hi guys, I just wanted to tell you I'm okay.

I'm going to try not to be too triggering since I know there are people on here that are dealing with the same issues. Anyways so I was in a very bad place last Thursday and just didn't want to live anymore. Martin took me to the hospital, I was admitted and got to go home today. I'm still feeling almost as bad as I did on Thursday so I'm going to stay away from here until I feel better. I promise I'll come back and answer your comments when I do feel better

 

Hi everyone,

thank you so much for your support! It's really heartwarming and is actually making me feel a little bit less shit.

I was admitted to the hospital again two days after my last post. I was at my parents' place and my mom more or less made me go back there because she was afraid I would hurt myself. At the hospital they made me choose between being voluntarily admitted or being sectioned and I've been sectioned before and that sucked so I chose to be admitted. I got back out yesterday so all in all I was there for ten days. Martin has been so great about this, he hates hospitals and yet he came and visited me every single day I was there.

The psychiatric care is a joke, really. I was only to be discharged when I got more stable and even though I feel exactly the same now as I did before I was admitted, I was discharged yesterday. I'm so tired of everything, I just can't stand feeling like this anymore and yet I wasn't offered any real help while I was at the hospital. So yeah, I'm not exactly feeling very hopeful at the moment. The only good thing is that I've finally started to come off the Prozac and hopefully I'll be on another drug soonish.

Anyways, I'm back here again. It's good to be back home.

Oh right, I thought I forgot to tell you that Martin and me managed to resolve lots of things while we were at my parents' summer cottage. Things are good between us but I can't really put too much energy into working on our relationship at the moment.

Again, thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate every single one of them

 

Hi guys,

just wanted to check in. I went to see my doctor today and then saw my therapist later. I’m getting off Prozac in two weeks, finally. Then I’m going to try Effexor and hope for the best. Getting new medication is very easy but actually getting help other than that however, is not. I told my doctor straight out how I’m feeling and she told me she could admit me to the hospital but I don’t want to go there again so there’s basically nothing they can do to help me.

I don’t want to go back because hospitals always make me feel even worse and last time I was admitted there, Martin had to try and help me every time he came to visit because I just needed someone to talk to and there was no one at the hospital I could talk to. I was seriously in bed crying and being pretty hysterical in general when a nurse came into my room. He was handing out medication and he placed my cup on my nightstand and asked me if I needed any more medication (as weird as it might sound, you can ask for more medication if you feel like you need it…seriously the people at that place would rather turn you into a zombie than have a conversation with you) before leaving my room. He didn’t even try to talk to me or anything even though he saw I was upset. That made me lose what little trust I had left in the emergency psychiatric care. I’m never going back there.

I feel so sorry for Martin though, I feel so very guilty. He’s the best person ever and everything but I don’t deserve him. He does everything around the house and never asks for anything from me. He’s calm and understanding every time I go off on him. I’m super moody these days and have these meltdowns I can’t control. I just yell at him for no reason at all and god knows I feel so guilty about that because he doesn’t deserve it but I can’t stop myself. I’m very unstable in all ways possible though – I dropped a plate earlier today, it broke and I started crying so yeah my emotions are a bit all over the place. I feel so sorry for Martin, I had a panic attack in the middle of the night yesterday and he stayed up for hours trying to calm me down and then trying to make me feel better. It was super scary because I couldn’t breathe and I’m so glad he stayed up with me but I still feel guilty for depriving him of sleep. I just want to be able to go back to work just so that I can feel useful and not like a burden.


Mav: thank you so much! I’m definitely just trying to get better- it’s seriously everything I can do right now. I’ve given up trying to do something that doesn’t involve simply just trying to get through the day. I’m knackered at the end of each day even though I never do anything. I never even leave the house except for when I’m going to see my therapist or psychiatrist.

Blossom85: thank you for your comment! I realize how much he cares for me and in a way that makes everything even worse because that makes me super guilty about the way I’m feeling unfortunately. And also of my behavior, which I know I should be ashamed of.

Resu: you can tell me that again! They’re seriously just trying to stop you from killing yourself and that’s everything they do. I feel like I never receive any real help while in the hospital. I’m seeing a therapist two days a week and my psychiatrist one day a week. We’re currently trying to work out a schedule which works for me and we’re also trying to make sure I follow it. At the moment, when I’m left alone, I rarely leave my bed, I rarely eat and I rarely do much of anything, which isn’t really helping me. Thank you!!

DragonHerz: I’m in CBT twice a week, is that the same thing as cognitive therapy?

That sucks I don’t mind medication (especially since it’s free in Sweden) but right now I’m on 8 different medications with an additional two that I can take whenever I need it. And it’s like, I’m starting to feel like I’m losing myself. I don’t even know what’s the side effects of the medications and what’s caused by my actual depression anymore. I think I really need to work with my thoughts too.