I need help...

Thanks. It's like I've forgotten what it's like to be straight. I've been worried so much that my attraction to girls feels like it's disappeared. I've forgotten what it's like to like girls. I've ruminated for a long time finding signs I may be gay. It's a big relief, I'm just worried I'll relapse by getting a strong erection.

I think you may be right Budder. I wrote "strong erection" and I got an erection. Wow.

 

I've accepted all this. I just need to know where to go from here. The same thing keeps happening and it genuinely feels like arousal. I went to the shopping centre today and you guessed it, near arousal. It also seemed like I was looking at men a lot, thinking I could be aroused at one man and then another and another. Then I saw one of my "friend crushes", almost got a stiffy. Then I started thinking that if he was topless, I'd get an erection. I was looking at the back of this guy's hair. I was thinking "ok, he's white and he's got brown hair, if he's good looking, I'll get aroused". I felt relieved when he wasn't. I really do think I need professional help. But what will come of that? What if this doesn't stop? I'm going in circles. I read something about "bargaining" and "denial". This could be me. My head's amok with thoughts. I saw Tom Daley on TV thinking I might be aroused because I got aroused by him before. I didn't get anywhere near arousal.

 

EDIT: Just reading a moment ago that erection doesn't equal attraction. But that means that since I didn't get a stiffy but was looking at them, then I must be attracted to these men, henceforth, you know what that means. The more every day passes, the more I think I'm losing my identity. I feel like I'm in the closet. I can't be so mired in anxiety that I've convinced myself to think like this. I was probably never straight all along. I'm going in circles every day, but each day is convincing me that I'm in denial. I'm in the bargaining phase now aren't I? Everything I've known feels fake. I think I'm attracted. I fear that if the men in the shopping centre were topless I would have been aroused. But then my feelings for girls are dead, but I haven't had much contact with girls recently unfortunately. I don't get aroused anymore. I feel so trapped. My brain is my own worst enemy. I've even considered coming out but it wouldn't make me feel free since that isn't the issue. :bang:

My head hurts and I'm exhausted. I've been thinking like this since 4pm. If I told my parents, they'd think I'm gay and they'd think they've failed me because of my anxiety. All this has been like a tumour that has just been growing and growing and is threatening to kill any sense of self I once had.

I'm fed up. I'd rather castrate myself and die than be like this. It's hell.

 

Parents want to report me to GP because my fingers have been chewed so much, from anxiety, and my nails are ruined.

 

I've said everything. But I'm returning to the same conclusion all the time, like I'm in circles. I can't cope with this uncertainty. I'm so analytical that my brain hurts. Now when I go out to a large public place like a shopping centre, I'm scared. I look at a man, I don't feel aroused, but I feels like something is telling me I should be and the fact I'm not means I'm repressed. My head is aching with these thoughts. This is meant to be my summer holiday, but it's been apart from a couple of days ago, thought after thought after thought. I've tried stopping. I thought it was flicking a switch. But the uncertainty doesn't go. It's like I know I'm straight or whatever very very deep down, but I want 100% certainty. Your remark, "with very little doubt" suggests there is some doubt in your mind that I'm gay. I keep on thinking about how I would have reacted to guys two years ago before this anxiety, and I keep fearing that I would have got an erection then, that I'm a latent homosexual who's been blind to his sexuality all along. I can't cope with knowing my life is a lie, that liking all those girls was fake. I never felt pressured or even needed to think about liking girls, it just happened. Now it feels like I'm conciously examining every moment. Today, I was trying to conciously remember the men I thought I was nearly erect to, in the shopping centre, and I couldn't remember them - I wanted to know if I'd get an erection again. Have you read the bit about the friend I thought I had a crush on on page 1? As you can imagine, this is so mentally exhausting. It is a wonder my grades haven't suffered, and that ironically, they've improved massively. I tried imagining being close to a man and feeling complete with a man but I couldn't and it didn't work. All I have these days is this nervy feeling, and I fear my parents may be cottoning onto it what with my nailbiting (I've been doing this for 10 years) and chewing the skin off my fingers as well. My body is aching and I haven't done anything productive today. It's on my mind all the time. Distractions don't work, because I think that if I'm forgetting it, then I'm accepting myself as homosexual.

What do you think I'm holding back because I'm concerned I really could be repressed?

 

I feel my orgasms are stronger with men than they were with women at any point. But I've even forgotten how good it was to feel attracted to women now. I'm getting nervous writing about it now. It's like I look at a picture, get all nervy and worried that I'll get aroused, hoping it won't get erect, get erect, constantly looking and looking and looking until something happens, gets stronger leading to jerking off and all the rest. It's like there's a build up of nervous energy that it needs to be released. It's almost like I'm subconciously dreading the point I'll have to masturbate. There was another time - Tom Daley in a magazine. Felt a twitch, and then I believed I probably would have been erect. Checked online - yes I was erect and jerked off. Four years ago, Tom Daley didn't arouse me at all. Now this? Two years ago, I couldn't orgasm to a man. I wasn't physically able to do. Yesterday, I tried to force myself to and I couldn't. Now, tell me I'm not gay or bisexual or whatever. I don't crave that emotional support from a man - I remember having this feeling of excitement 2 years ago that I craved sexual and emotional union from a woman, I craved relationships with them, I craved kissing them and being passionate and loving them. I just don't get that excitement with a man.

 

I don't believe I'm gay. I don't get excited about seeing men or think about being in relationships with them. I can only see them as good mates. Everything just feels right kissing a girl. I just feel awakened, I'm erect, I'm happy, I feel on top of the world kissing a girl. That's all gone. Erections with girls a couple of years back were automatic. No thinking. It just happened. I having to conciously think with men, "Will I get erect now? Will I jerk off? Will this, that and the other, happen?" It's always at the back of my mind. I feel on edge right now.

 

Yes and no. Yes, because it's a judgemental society but no, because my main concern is that by getting erect or jerking off, I'm attracted - it's a vicious circle that keeps on going on and on and on. Two years ago, I was secure in my sexuality. I thought all this questioning wouldn't happen to me. Most days, I wake up with a dreading feeling in my stomach and in my heart. Most importantly, I fear my attraction to women will disappear, after the moments I've had with them. That, I can't deal with.

BTW why do you think I have social anxiety? I mean, I am nervous around a lot of people and I don't like going out with friends because I think they'll judge me by my social ineptitude.

 

I couldn't be happy with a man. I just don't yearn for a relationship with a man, or have an urge to kiss them or anything.

 

No.

 

Have you read the whole thread? I just want a 100% answer. And is the bit in bold true?

I'm just really nervy. I'm refreshing the page dreading that someone will say I'm gay.

 

I've said everything. I've laid everything out here. But even so I'm not even sure anymore. I just really want an answer so I can relax.