I need help hiding

Sounds like you want to do it. If so, then do it! The longer you hesitate, the less likely you are to talk to them about even the bare edges of this. It does seem like they've noticed something is really going on with you. If you have to face the "1000 Questions" game, try going with the "I don't know, that why I want professional counseling" thing for anything you don't want to tell them until you can't any longer and then just breakdown crying or tell them you're exhausted and need to try to get some rest or anything you can think of to bring the questioning to a halt. At that point, you've at least put the idea of getting professional help into their heads.... What do you think?

---------- Post added 12th Sep 2016 at 01:20 AM ----------

You're just scared, confused and completely exhausted. And it took a while for your mind to realize what kind of opportunity you just had.

Actually, going back to them after saying you were fine will give them an indicator that it is a more serious problem and that you were really reluctant to talk about it at first...

---------- Post added 12th Sep 2016 at 01:24 AM ----------

When the joy goes out of the world and everything turns grey, it's a big indicator of depression.

I understand, Guff.

I don't know what else to suggest to you right now, but I will keep thinking about ways to get you the help you need within the restrictions you've outlined - if you don't go back and talk to your parents tonight.

I don't know if this will help distract you at all, but I know from direct experience that sleep deprivation can really wear on a person and you can only continue to function normally for so long without getting sleep. I've stayed awake conducting military operations for 96 hours (4 days) straigh

---------- Post added 12th Sep 2016 at 01:34 AM ----------

That is a sign of depression. When the joy goes out of the world and everything turns grey, it's a big indicator of depression.

I understand, Guff.

I don't know what else to suggest to you right now, but I will keep thinking about ways to get you the help you need within the restrictions that you have laid out - in case you don't go back and talk to your parents tonight.

I don't know if this will help you at all, but I know from direct experience just how mentally unbalancing sleep deprivation can be. There comes a point where you can just no longer function rationally without sleep. For me that limit is 96 hours (4 days). I've conducted military operations continuously for 96 hours straight on several occasions. But at the end of those 96 hours, I have to crash for 24 hours straight in order to be able to function normally again. To me the key indicators that I've reached my exhaustion limit - and when not even an adrenaline rush can get me thinking straight again - are that (1) I start repeating tasks over and over again without realizing it, (2) I get punch-drunk and start laughing at really stupid things, and (3) I start to have trouble doing simple tasks that I could normally do in my sleep (no pun intended).

Good luck with whatever you decide to do tonight.

Take Care, my friend.

 

You have to realize, I was so socially awkward that I was pretty tormented as a kid... And I was not old enough to realize just how easily it could be fixed... I couldnt see an out, and I was the smartest person I knew.. If I cant find an out, I doubted anyone could.. That is what I thought at that age at least... My parents didnt even realize because part of AS is a difficulty with expressing emotion... I didnt even know how to tell them how I felt... I had been cutting for a little bit but never very big... I would cut because when I was in a little pain, I could focus on it instead of life and its problems... wouldnt have to think about how my mom hates "fags" or how all my classmates some how know I am gay and my parents might find out if the teachers know and all of that bullshit added up... The reason I am explaining all this is 2 fold.. To let you know your not alone, but more importantly, to show you it gets better.


Now onto your issues... I think your working this up a little too much... I know how ashamed you can feel when you cut.. Trust me, I know... But its kind of like I always see people talk about how relieved they feel coming out... The relief of my parents finding out about my cutting and depression is what I imagine that relief feels like...

Think of it like this... you are their son. I know you are young and might not fully realize what that mean, but depression and cutting is not the same sort of issue as being LGBT. Your parents will not disown you for depression, even if you think they will for being LGBT...

That being said, would you mind clearly laying out what restrictions you have exactly? You do not want to show them the cut... you do not want to tell them you are gay... are there any others?

---------- Post added 12th Sep 2016 at 12:12 AM ----------

I really hope that you realizing you should have spoken to them, is just a precursor to you talking to them... I really think you will feel relieved once they know... I know I was always so ashamed and so nervous they would find out.... It made me feel more ashamed than I even like to mention over 20 years later... But having gone through the experience, I think you will be a lot happier for it... Just in telling your parents... that is not to mention the benefits from any therapy you get... If nothing else, I know you were asking for crazy ideas, just go hug you mom and cry... I KNOW that it wont be hard to do.... Then tell her you want to see a counselor/therapist... when she starts questioning, just cry... I know that it is most likely all you will want to do anyways, so do it. The bottomline is you really need to find a way to get some help, and if you wont tell them about the cutting or being gay, I think this might work... The thing to remember is, these are your parents, they have cared for you your entire life and they love you. They do not want to see you in pain. And if you make it clear they can not help you with that pain, they will find you help...

 

Guff, I am really sorry to hear about all of the pain and distress you are going through. It sounds like your mind is racing at the moment, but you are doing a positive thing in writing about your feelings in this thread. Bottling it all up increases the pressure and may lead to more incidents of self harm, or thoughts of ending it all and none of us want that outcome, so do lean on us for encouragement and support. Talking is a very important way of coping and you are part of our community and we care about you a lot.

Self harm is a coping mechanism, but its a very unhealthy and destructive coping mechanism that can become addictive. It's usually occurs because the physical pain brings a temporary relief from the overwhelming emotional pain. Unfortunately, the unresolved emotional pain quickly returns and so begins the addictive, harmful cycle. Despite all of that, people self harm in order to live - rather than die. When you had thoughts of ending it all the other day you must have been totally overwhelmed, but in a strange way the cutting probably helped to save you... but you can't keep doing that.

This information sheet http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads/Distractions.pdf provides some alternatives to self harm that you may wish to consider. Try them all, if you need to and set yourself time intervals for surfing the urge to cut or self injure. Begin with 20 minutes. During that time try as many distraction techniques as you need to (including writing more in this thread) and if you find one that works keep at it and continue for another 20 minutes while the urge to cut further reduces. A distraction technique that isn't mentioned in the leaflet is masturbation or self pleasure. It may seem unconventional, but it really does help people to lose the urge to harm themselves.

If you have washed and cleaned the wounds and they are no longer bleeding I would suggest you allow them to heal naturally and avoid compressing them, with the risk of opening them up even more. If there is any hint of infection you must seek medical help. I would also suggest you put the pocket knife out of easy reach to buy you thinking time should the urge return. Maybe store it on top of a closet/wardrobe so you have to make a real effort to get to it again. Buying yourself time can be important.

Your sexuality seems to be one of the underlying feelings of distress, but I'm wondering if there are other things going on to? If there are, can you talk to us about them? You've made a good start talking in this thread, but you are welcome to send me a private message too (just click on my profile).

Don't bottle things up - we are here for you!

 

YAY!!!
(!)(!)

You should be proud of yourself... I didnt have the courage to tell them... Your already doing better than i ever did...

---------- Post added 12th Sep 2016 at 01:45 AM ----------

Also, we have that in common as well, I feel very similar about my mother that you feel about your parents... I dont want to type it all, but here is a thread I wrote that ended up bleeding into that topic:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/comin...ing-2-people-care-offer-any-advice-peeps.html

the second post is what I am talking about... Your not alone in feeling that way about your parents either... It may not be exactly the same but VERY similar, again...

Anyways, Im just glad to see you are going to talk to them... I am 99% sure you will feel better immediately and 100% sure you will feel better eventually... Good luck, and if you need to talk afterwards, dont hesitate to come onto EC...

 

Hi Guff,

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I went through a period of self-harming - although not with the strong association of suicide - and I did get a little addicted to it because I found that it helped clear my head and bring my back to reality (I was really depressed and felt really isolated at the time). To be clear, I'm not suggesting self-harm is a good coping mechanism - I was lucky as after a particularly bad incident a friend made me tell my parents. But I now see that it was an extreme reaction to immense emotional distress. I now deal with things through a journal where I write out exactly what I'm thinking and whats bothering me (but it is for my eyes only, it gives some private space that it just mine) - this might be something you want to try and do as it doesn't sound like you have a lot of privacy. (I don't know how old you are but I'm quite shocked that your dad checks your phone.) Anyway a journal might be a good way to help you get some head space and have some privacy.

Having said all that, I'd agree with all the other posts about seeking help. You said "I've told myself I'll work things out alone but obvious I suck at that." - we all suck at that, part of the problem is trying to deal with these things on your own. I've always found it really difficult to open up about my feelings (I still do) but I've learnt that talking about it is not a failing.

As for the scarring, as long as you keep it clean I wouldn't worry too much about infection (I didn't use anything on mine but my most of my cuts weren't too deep). Unfortunately I can only hide mine with long sleeved shirts so I've just had to get used them being visible (many people don't even mention it - if they notice).

Sorry, I've not really been able to suggest much - just try and get help from a professional (especially if your parents are not an option). Keep talking here as well - it will help. Wishing you all the best.

 

I'm glad to hear you're willing to talk to your parents. I give you serious props, I never had the guts to do so. Again, great job

 

Yeah, me too. You are doing a very brave things but its the right thing. You have to be honest to be able to live the life you want (I know it's not anywhere as easy as it sounds). Speaking to them will move things forwards for you and I hope it goes well. All the best.

 

Hey Guff,
Thank you very much for the update. I’m so happy for you and proud of you! And I’m also relieved! You did what you needed to do for your own sanity’s sake, but I know it was very hard for you!

Parents can surprise you when it comes to the health and welfare of their children. You’ve distanced yourself from them as you’ve dealt with your sexual identity on your own and you may have a bleaker, much less tolerant picture of them in your mind than reality will prove to be.

If your arm is an angry red in color, possibly somewhat swollen around the wound, and painful even when you aren’t touching it, it could be infected.

Your Dad catching you crying in your room is actually a good thing, not a bad thing, if he’s the macho ‘man’s man’ you’ve described. Having been around that kind of attitude a whole lot in the military, I can reassure you. The fact that you DIDN”T cry in front of him when you talked to your parents got his respect. The fact that you were crying by yourself in your room afterwards almost certainly drove home to him how serious an issue this is to you and gained you his sympathy and, most likely, greater support.

(Obviously, I don’t know your Dad personally, but I know plenty of people like you have described him. I’ve been a military leader in situations similar what you described and I can tell you that when I have had a male Soldier in front of me with a serious problem, I would lose some respect for him if he broke down and cried, depending on the situation. BUT, if he held himself together while he was formally in front of me and I later caught him crying by himself in his barracks room, he would only gain my sympathy and increased support. Now, you’re still a kid and that gets all kinds of leeway that a grown man doesn’t get. So don’t worry about having been caught crying alone room by your Dad. Even macho men know that all men need to cry sometimes, they usually only have respect for someone who does it when they are alone.)

Rest assured, you did the right thing for the sake of your own mental and physical health!:eusa_clap

Please keep us updated on how you are doing, as you have time!

Take Care, my friend, and try to let some of that pent up stress go now that you’ve taken a significant step forward!

 

Hi Guff,

That's really fantastic that you've spoken to them. I know this won't be a solve all - but it is a big step in the right direction and once you are able to talk to someone you'll have the support need.

Echoing Quantumreality's - your parents obviously care deeply about you and are trying to help. Parents aren't infallible and I know you have concerns with them about coming out but they seem have taken to heart how serious things are for and not just dismissed them.

Finally, that is one of the bravest things I've heard someone do. You are a much stronger person than you think you are and hope you are feeling better having spoken to them. I wish all the best and hope things get better for you. If you feel like it, let us know how you get on. Really, well done.

 

Bless you Guff. Now, the next step is for you to find a counselor you can trust, and work on this some more. It feels better just to have it out, doesn't it?

Please post updates when you can. We'll be your cheerleader squad.

 

Really glad to hear you were able to talk to them. Something like that takes a lot of courage to do. Like Barbatus said keep us updated on how things go if you feel comfortable enough to do so.

 

First of all,
(!)(!)(!)(!)

Seriously though, you should be proud.

I hadnt considered what quantum said about the circumstances behind your dad catching you crying, but upon seeing it that way, I have to agree...

With your parents in the loop, the infection wont be a problem... Plus now you will be able to get the help you need with depression and sexuality/coming out... Plus if you eventually decide you are ready to come out, a potentially great ally to help with it...

Beyond that I dont even know what to say... Great job facing your fears.

 

I'm very sorry to hear that, Guff. It looks like this may be a longer process to get to a therapist that was hoped, but so far, other than getting an earful from your Mom, have you really lost anything in coming forward with this? And there is still so much potential good that can come out of this. You just have to stand your ground and keep insisting that you want/need to see a professional therapist.

Is there any way you can work this through your Dad - telling him that your Mom is not only NOT helping, but making matters worse by insisting on intrusive and useless suggestions that she claims she's not forcing on you?

Another possibility (and I don't know how you would feel about this) might be to go to a school counselor and let them know that you've been having issues, but your mom is trying to ineffectively play therapist when you know you need to talk to a real therapist...


Take Care. Stay strong!

 

I agree with Quantumreality. I'm sorry to hear about how your mom is handling things, but having your dad on your side is a huge plus. Like Quantum said going to your dad about what's going on would be a good idea.

 

On just this one issue, could you just tell her that whenever she makes you use those things you always wake up several times during the night short of breath or with your eyes burning and you think you might be allergic to the oils? Or something along those lines?

Just a thought.