Brief: I'm mid 20s and he mid 50s. We met a year ago, became friends after hooking up. At first I didn't want to stay in touch BECAUSE He already is partnered (open relationship) and we liked each other. I finally came around it and we decided to date/be in a relationship with him, since his partner is older and no longer sexual with anyone and they seem to have a different kind of relationship. Also, just so you know, we're both very sexually active people. While friends, we'd tell each other about our hookups and such. We've both a high sex drive, which is why I was concerned when we were together that he'd cheat on me. As soon as we were dating, my sexual drive became normal and I was satisfied by him, but because of what I have, he was not. Today: we've broken up twice now, said goodbye, but keep coming back to each other. He tried monogamy but admitted it's not him, and I can't do open. he felt like monogamy is withholding his sexual freedom and right to get with anyone should he want to- even if he doesn't, he told me he prefers not having to be told he can't do something. He also felt sexually frustrated since i have hvp wart on my dick, and he loves to suck. It scares him, to possibly catch what I have, so even with a condom he felt limited with me. Eventually, I considered an open relationship because I can see that it would allow him to experience the kind of sex I can't give him. But then I got mad when he was against my condition that he keep his hookups as randoms and no repeat sessions. He wants to be able to see them again if there is a connection, whether platonic or just an amazing fb. Since it's oral he misses, I also suggested we limit sex with hookups to just oral and nothing more-he also was against that, saying it would feel like his dick is being chained. i don't know what to do, I love him, but it hurts knowing that because of what I have, it's causing this. Although, he did admit even without my stds, he'd probably still want an open relationship because he's been in one for so long. I don't know if i could do it. I considered it at first because of my stds and his desires, but it looks like he'd still want that regardless of what I had, i don't know if I can do it. He already broke some of the rules he had with his partner, so I wonder if I could trust him to stick to our rules should we open it up. And what is the point? I am already sharing him with another guy, now I feel like he'll get more out of this than me. I am happy with just him, but he wants to have a partner, boyfriend, fb, and randoms. I just don;t get why one guy can't be enough.
Hi, First off, your STI is not a justification for him cheating on you or demanding an open relationship. It seems like he is using that as an excuse and a means to put pressure on you to accept a situation that you are unhappy with. Regarding the STI, have you looked into treatment or consulted a doctor? While this is not something you should do for your relationship, it's something to look into for yourself. If you haven't, go see a doc and get good accurate info on the condition treatment (whether curative or managerial) . Now this is the bit you may not like but I'm just going to put it out there. Your bf is behaving in a completely acceptable manner. He sounds like a selfish child, he doesn't want to commit to monogamy because he does like to be told he can't do something? WTF If he is in a relationship with someone then he needs to treat their concerns and desires as equal to his own. If he not prepared to do that then he shouldn't pretend to be in a relationship. He's much older than you and yet you seem to be the more mature one, taking into account what he wants and trying to understand his point of view.I see no such reciprocity from him. You've got years ahead of you to find someone who will treat better and tbh is sounds like you need to get out this relationship. He is also being extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive. Telling you that you are the reason he is unsatisfied when it clearly a deep seated issue with him, he shows no emotional maturity, empathy or understanding. He's already broken the agreement you two had and demonstrated that he cannot be trusted. From what you've said he seems to have no redemptive qualities, he's been untrustworthy, manipulative and emotionally abusive, been selfish and dismissive of your feelings. I'm sorry if this is harsh but from what you've said it seems like an accurate description. I'm also furious that someone would treat their 'partner' in such a way. You've got a lot more going for you as you are just starting out in life. Don't waste it on someone so contemptible.
Thank you for your words. Yes I had it checked and removed. It was treated but a new one came back. Currently don't have insurance so waiting on that. As for my ex, as far as I know, he never cheated on me. I am the very jealous type so he knew I kept my apps to check sometimes if he'd go online. we had problems because of that but he was always willing to meet up and talk about it with me. Since I'm probably moving away within 2 years, and he already is partnered, he also felt that we couldn't have a full relationship. I actually tried to end things before they began last year after we hooked up and me up again. But he really liked me that he wanted to at least have some way to contact me. We started talking, but I tried to be as platonic as i could with him. We dated and regularly checked in to see how we were doing, and eventually he took it to leave when i gave him the option. He said he felt sexually frustrated and wanted to end things before he'd cheat on me. He knows very well how bad my previous relations were and he always felt very honest and upfront about everything. He already lived a long life and to him, an open relationship has opened up a lot more doors. He even dated me and agreed to be monogamous for me. I feel bad that I cannot do the same for him and consider open relationship. He actually asked me to consider it after we broke up a second time. I replied within hours with a simple no. A few weeks later, we met up again and i told him i was willing to conisder it. we've been on and off since then. Now he just texted me that two relationships are too stressful and he just wants me around. He is willing to give me as much as he can so that i can be happy, as long as he can be too. So monogamy is out of the picture, but he's ok with open as long as I don't set such restrictive rules
Thanks for explaining a bit more. Being jealous makes sense if you have had some bad experiences in the past. However, it doesn't sound like this relationship will help resolve that. Also this doesn't sound like anything has changed: "So monogamy is out of the picture, but he's ok with open as long as I don't set such restrictive rules" What do you want out of a relationship (generally speaking)? P.S. I'm a little bit calmer now so hopefully will be more helpful.
Yes, I have always been the jealous type but the other guys I was with before had lied to me about other partners and I found out. that is a loaded question. I guess in the long run, I want an honest and committed partner with whom I could form a family with. But for now, I guess I just want to meet someone that I can share amazing times with, get to learn about each other, but deeper level than a platonic friend. He and I have that. We just have something that draws us to each other, but sadly we both want different things. We both want what's best for each other, but we also want each other. He's ok with just being friends, as long as he has me in his life. But for me, I feel too much for him to be around him and go back to being just friends. I started sleeping around as soon as I was 18. I did it all, bathouse, hookups, anon, etc. It was hot and fun at first, but eventually I got to the point where i wondered what was the point of it all? then I met two hookups that turned into more, and one of them taught me how to enjoy another man without it always having to be about sex/anal. I loved that I could hang out with him, hold him, kiss him, sleep with him in bed and wake up and have breakfast together. That I got to know who he was, what woes he had from work, and that he was also there for me. Hookups paled in comparison to this, so this is why I want a relationship. I'm tired of the hookups, and want something more concrete. My ex has a partner already, and has stated he wouldn't leave him, so I was ok with that because i wanted to live in the moment too. Why not? We love each other and we are living close to each other. So we started dating, but then we realized we want different things. I still want a relationship, and would marry him and consider him my partner if he had been single and wanted to. But the reality is that he already has a partner, so I was willing to have a short relationship with him and enjoy what time I have left in this town. But I cannot be happy if he is not, and cant force him to be with me if he wants to sleep with others. i was mad at first, but am trying to understand that he's just different and it's not wrong what he wants. It's just not me. But I don't think I could be ok with just being there for him as a friend, which makes me wonder what kind of person that makes me...
Sorry that came across as a loaded question. What I meant to try and find out is, what kind of relationship do you want and would that kind of relationship be possible with him? The answer seems to be no. While I can see what that you are getting something out of this, it still seems to be a pretty destructive set up. Even if we grant that they way he is treating you isn't wrong, you both obviously want incompatible things. Can you clarify whether you two have broken it off for now or whether you are together? Or whether you are on/off? It seems you won't get what you want from this guy so it would seem like a good idea to move on?
broke up once, he hooked up and stuff. then we got back together and he said he regretted it as soon as he hooked up. said he realized the hookup wasn't worth breaking up. So we tried it again, but now I felt less trusting so we had problems and he eventually wrote he was done with trying out monogamy and that it wasn't him. We stayed in touch for about a week, but he knew the moment he'd go online to hookup, I'd disappear because I didn't want to be around. So he did and I left. we ran into each other a few weeks later and that's when I tried to consider an open relationship, asking him what he meant and how'd it work. this time, he didn't avoid hookups to avoid hurting my feelings. He hooked up, found out about it and I asked him and he told me he did. It was weird for me, but in the end I decided to leave instead of pursuing an open. I then contacted him later about something, it was short and so was he, but then he asked me if we could meet. So we met up, but I ended it again out of anger. He was taking some stuff that he told me made him sleepy. So he canceled meeting up with me one time because of this supposed tiredness but then the next night he was up late and looking online. i asked how come the thing only made him sleepy that night we were going to meet up but not on the night when he was horny. I even asked if he'd meet up with me and talk, or would rather continue looking online for a hookup. His response was somthing like "I'm sorry, but I cannot help it. I have this urge and I need to take care of it" and this last time, I reached out to him out of jealousy because I thoght I saw him hookup with someone. We ended up meeting up, and before I knew it we were making out. But he no longer stays off these sex apps even if I'm back in the picture.
So, it sounds like you know that you need to end but are finding it difficult? Is ending it your aim?
I am. I do want him in my life like he wants me. But, I am too invested in him that I don't think i could just be friends with him. for one, i always prioritize him, and probably wouldn't be as open to dating others while he's around, or at least while I feel like this towards him. And he already told me monogamy is not for him right now. He is open to what we have, if I stay around, and as long as it's not restrictive. He's admitted that he's both sad and happy when i'm around and not around. He loves having me around, being with me, but sometimes it's too much and he can't give me much commitment, but he also wants me around. I also feel horrible after we stop talking and shut each other out of our lives. But I know I cannot be his friend right now, because I'd be unhappy when i still have feelings for him and know that he's meeting with others. I don't know what to do. He's willing to go as far as an open relationship, but he's firmly against limiting those to just oral, or one time hookups only.
Well he is still being selfish and childish by refusing to accept that if he wants to have a relationship with you then he has to commit. If you want to end it then you may be best off completely cutting off contact. It sounds like every time you have contact with him it draws you back in. Completely cutting off contact will give you the time and space to get yourself sorted out and to make a clean start. Keeping contact with him would seem to just open you up to what he wants for himself and not what you need.
I get that but, am I being selfish too? Because I'm basically only sticking around if he can give me a full commitment, and not just friends or fwbs. We've cut off complete contact every time. It's how I roll. I even deleted his number and all his texts last time. It's just so hard, and there's always the chance we'll run into each other. I do think we could be friends at some point, but I need to kill the love I have for him first, or at least the part that will makes me hurt if I see him with another guy.
I don't think you are being selfish. I think he is being selfish because he is only putting himself first. You have at least tried to consider and accommodate his desires. But at the end of the day it seems you both want different things and that's really what is going to make it not work. Yeah, I know it hard cutting off contact with someone but it really the best way to get over someone. It won't be easy and it won't be quick but it can be done and it comes down to being firm in your resolve not to contact him. Those feelings won't just vanish but they will diminish and become more controllable. Then you might have a set back when you see him with someone but just ride it out and you'll realise these feelings are dependent on unrealistic expectations (i.e. that he will change, which he won't if he has gotten to this age and still can't be committed). Just make sure you have things going on in your life to focus on and help take your mind off of him. But it is the best way for you to move on.
Just my two cents, but I think it sounds "off" just in the way you present it. You make it sound like he is doing you some big favor by him being "willing to go as far as an open relationship". That basically is just saying he wants you around when it suits him. Clearly you want more and your needs are continually not being met. And on a side note, with the glaring age difference, what REAL future do you see with him? I have had many of the apps before and got propositioned several times by guys 20yrs my junior. Personally I see nothing in it for me. The differences in life experiences and such are just tremendous. And tbh, for a 50-something yo guy, he comes across like a spoiled child who wants his cake and to eat it too
@Barbatus and angeluscrzy. Thank you for your input they've been most helpful, and I'll try to answer your questions. A year ago I ran into him after hooking up. We were going to do it again, but then something happened and we stayed up all night talking and making out. It'd been a while since I'd felt that, but when I left I told him we could never see each other again because he was partnered and I did not want to get hurt. So he pursued me, asking to at least give him my number should he ever be available and eventually I caved. I admit i loved how hard he tried and he finally managed to win me over fully. Since then, we've dated and I have had some of the most wonderful times with him. The past 3 guys before him were also in their 40s-50s, it's just an age I've been drawn to. But he was simple and humble unlike the rest of them. Never did I think he was using me, like all the rest have in the past, which is why it hurt when I tried to break contact with him after we became friends. I could see the pain in his eyes, and instead he propositioned for us to date. I agreed on the condition it be monnogamous, and he accepted. This is why it's hard to move on, because he really in the beginning. I feel like I didn't try as much. He knows I should leave, that we both want different things, but it pains us to say goodbye. I've come to realize that the guy I met last year who spoke of a potential future together, maybe forming a family, is non existant now-we tried monogamy but it's not him. I won't be here much longer, so i hoped to at least enjoy what remains with him before moving away. But we're stubborn and we want different rules.
It sounds like it's been very painful for you and I'm sorry that you didn't meet someone who wanted the same things as you. Is you moving away a definite thing and you know when you are moving? So really you need to try and start moving on now so the move won't have you dealing with that at the same time? Having said that, moving away (whatever else it means) means you will be more easily able to break off contact and move on. While he obviously had/has feelings for you they aren't enough for him to change. Perhaps as part of starting that moving on process you could look at how you might meet new people where you are moving to? Will you be working there? Also, a bit of a side note and no shade or anything, but did you meet him the same way you meet people for hookups and things? I'm just wondering if you might need to change to meeting guys strategy if so, as you will be less likely to meet people who want a committed relationship if you meet them through hookup channels. Just a thought.
I'll be moving back into my hometown. just wanted a bit of freedom and currently have a good living condition here. I've still got at least a year or two before moving. He did admit he was drawn to me because he'd never felt this before, but we tried it and he's gotten used to his open relationship. I do think he loves me, but he also loves his partner and the freedom he affords him. So yeah, I do know I have to move on. I think I could stay friends, but only have enough time has passed and I've gotten over him. When I met him, I was over dating and didn't want to get into one. And of course, that is when I met him! i only saw him as a hookup-it was on an app and we were both looking for sex. But then we got together again and we started making out. After that, I started seeing him differently and you know the rest...
Ok, so you've got a while to go before the move will make things easier. It sounds like you've got a good perspective on what you need to do. So do you think you will need help keeping away from him? Or is it now more that you are feeling crappy that things have come to an end?
It's a mix of both, although i guess I've known it was going to end since we first broke up. It's more about finding a way to keep away from him. It's not the first time I've tried with him. It's now probably over 5 times we cut contact but then came back to each other
And how does that coming back to each other happen? Just from seeing each other out in town or do one of you contact the other? What you need to do is either find a way to stop reestablishing contact or finding a way to deal with any attempt or potential contact.
We've run into each other, which led to some talking and eventually in each other's arms. Another time was online through the app, and I guess it's mostly been me. He did reach out the first time, I just checked, but he mostly did it because he said he was unhappy and I made him happy. So he wished we could be friends and I a part of his life
