I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advice

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

There's a huge difference between "He cares what he looks like" and "He wants to impress everyone with how much money he has and so he is a brand whore who only wears expensive designer brands." You are doing the second thing. There are plenty of people who look great in inexpensive outfits they've put together from thrift stores, and you could be one of them. In fact, there's a whole style to doing that, and you can create super eye-catching outfits (that aren't eye-catching because they're ridiculous or outlandish) that are interesting because of how you put them together, not because they have a brand name. Wearing nothing but brand names has little to do with actual style and everything to do with saying "look at how much money I have!" And there are quite a few people who view that with contempt and, in part, rightly so. You might as well glue $100 bills to your shirt and pants, because if you're insisting that's the only way you can look good, that's exactly what you're doing.

First, no, they don't have diseases. They are all washed and/or drycleaned and sterilized before being put on sale. Do you realize how pretentious and shallow you sound? You really sound like some rich person who doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself.

What happened to "When someone gives me something to do, I work on it immediately"? And again, you are confusing "can't" and "won't." You could do this, you're just choosing not to.

So what you're really saying is, "I'm so insecure and so unsure of who I am that I am unwilling to even try something new that might give me the opportunity to be who I really am, so I'm just going to stay in my safe little armor of pretentious clothes." And I get that it's terrifying... but that's exactly why I gave you that assignment: because it will stretch you.

It will force you to see that you are not defined by the overpriced designer brands you believe are so important to who you are. And I think you'll see that people will actually be more likely to approach you and make friends if you let yourself be defined by who you really are instead of by ridiculously expensive clothes.

If you want to change your situation, you are going to have to put yourself in uncomfortable places and make yourself vulnerable.

Or, you can just stay exactly where you are, and wonder why you have no real friends, and the only friends you attract are shallow and like you for your money.

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

No offense, but the things you've said make you sound like a poster child for shallow materialism. And to a large extent, it's your parents' insecurities that are responsible for your beliefs. Listen to the people here. Cornella93 has been exactly where you are, and he gets it.

You are, maybe for the first time in your life, talking to people who genuinely care about you, not your clothes, jewelry, car, money, appearance, or anything else. And what you're hearing is very foreign to you. But it's good advice.

So think for a moment about that statement: What I hear you saying, in essence, is that you believe you're such a worthless piece of shit that no one will pay you any mind, have any respect for you, care about you, love you, or pay you any attention whatsoever if you don't wear fancy, expensive, designer-name clothes.

What in the world does that say about you? My read, if I believe the above (which, by the way, I don't) is that you essentially believe you're nothing but an empty shell who can serve only as a billboard or a mannequin for expensive brand names.

Because what I hear you saying is, you believe your entire self-worth and value as a person is tied up in the clothes you wear (and other signs of wealth and privilege.) Is that really what you believe about yourself? And, if it is, is that really who you want to be, and how you want to be seen?

I don't think so. But I think you've worn that "armor" for so long, it is terrifying to take it off, and let people see you for who you really are.

Whomever told you that must own stock in overpriced, pretentious clothing shops. Because, quite honestly, many of the most expensive name brands are made in the same factories, by the same workers, using the same raw materials, as the stuff you'd find at Old Navy, JC Penney, or any other mid-priced store. In some cases, such as sunglasses, the products are absolutely identical, except for the brand name and the price tag. You are buying into one of the biggest loads of bullshit ever fed to the buying public. In clothing, quality bears almost no correlation to price. In fact, many so-called "upscale" clothiers like Abercrombie produce products that are so poorly made they last few only a few washings... and they have little to no warranty, because they know they sell crap, and they count on materialistic, uninformed, pretentious consumers to keep buying their crap, and to be too pretentious to ever return a poorly-made product.

Separately from the above, do you realize how judgmental you sound? You make it sound like every person who is unable to afford expensive designer brands is walking around in ugly, poorly-made, pathetic clothing that no one in their right mind would wear. Would you want to be friends with someone who judges you in that same way, just by the clothes you wear?

Here's something to think about: I assure you, there are way more people who negatively judge people who dress the way you do, than the way I am describing.

I think it will make a difference. The first time you do it, you will more than likely feel almost the same as if you were completely naked. (And, actually, going to a nudist resort would be another option for doing the same thing... but I'm guessing that's probably too far out on the edge for you.) But it is that feeling of being "naked" -- of making yourself vulnerable and letting the real "you" be seen, without the armor of fancy clothes -- where you'll be able to begin to discover the real you.

It won't be some dramatic thing that will happen one day, in one two-hour visit to the mall. And it will almost certainly be uncomfortable the first few times you do it. But if you stick with it, and continue to do that on a regular basis, I think you'll be amazed at how different you'll feel after a month, and how it starts to change your perception of yourself and others.

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

Nope, change won't happen over night, but if you are willing (and it sounds like that you are) you can start changing bit by bit. The next time you go cloths shopping, instead of going to the expensive stores on Robson Street, go to Sears, the Bay, the Gap, or somewhere else in a shopping mall and pick out something that you like. Often times, you will also be able to find great finds in second hand clothing stores. No one would ever be able to tell that you got it at the Salvation Army or another second hand store.

I have walked on Robson Street and seen the stores and the cloths they have on display in their windows. Have I ever bought anything there? No, because with the money that I'm spending there, I can buy twice amount of the cloths that will last me the same amount of time, somewhere else.

The chances that people will still look at you and think you are good looking, are still there, even if you don't buy your cloths at Gucci or any of the other expensive stores.

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

I don't live in Vancouver but I do go from time to time.

Why not try something different tomorrow? Instead of going to Robson Street, why not go to Sears just down the road or another clothing store that is located a couple of streets away from Robson? Or, have a browse through the the YMCA Thrift Shop on Main Street and the Community Thrift and Vintage on West Cordova Street?

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

This is excellent advice. You know, the way you talk about clothes... "Oh, I'll only buy a few things this time"... it makes you sound like a drug addict, only designer clothes are your drug. And that may be possible; I had a friend who was depressed, and the only way he could deal with his depression was to buy expensive clothes and other expensive things.
Only problem was, like any other drug... it didn't work. He felt better for a few hours or a day maybe, but then the depression would return.

This is deep stuff you're working on, but I applaud you for taking it on. As Mirko suggests, try something different. Check out the thrift shops, or Sears. And go in with an open mind, imagining how you could create a style that is all your own, not something that some dude in some other country is getting rich off of by convincing you that it has value when it doesn't.

One of my friends, about your age, who always looks really sharp and gets lots of positive comments has created a "look" that is classy, and uniquely him... and he buys exclusively in thrift stores. He puts together different items, accessorizes with hats or scarves or accents or belts, and he always looks great. He's become popular among his crowd for unique styles and people seek out his fashion advice and he takes people "thrifting" with him and they all have lots of fun coming up with cool outfits that cost next to nothing!

I realize that may be a bit of a reach for you for right now... but I agree with Mirko. Avoid the pricey stores and just try the other method. Keep in mind your parents will likely give you shit, but don't even show them what you've gotten... or if you do, just be prepared to completely ignore whatever they say.

This will be a great first step for you

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

Main Street runs south from the water front, starting in Gastown. Of course don't go to places you don't feel comfortable going to.

But the idea still remains the same. As Chip said, it would be a great first step for you. If you have been to Sears and/or The Bay, try a different store. For tomorrow, your motto could be: "any store but on Robson Street."

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

Armani exchange is a step down from what you're used to but it's just as much a brand name, so you're doing the exact same thing. That is why Mirko is suggesting Sears and I'm suggesting thrift stores. The idea is to avoid brand names entirely.

I know it seems like a big step, but I know you can do it. And, as a bonus, when you stop wearing pretentious clothes, people will be less interested in robbing you