I came out, and now I don't want to do it anymore... as I want just to stay out

Let's tell a story...

I knew I was gay when I was 14. If I look before, there could be some preliminar signs, but I'm sure about it all really started with physical attraction to men since I was 14.

However, I grew up in a catholic family, a catholic environment, and in those years there was a lot of controversy on the street in my country because gay marriage was approved and right-wing parties protested all the time against it. It was the time of "don't call it marriage, don't let them adopt children or they will corrupt them". At home, my mother once told me that she didn't understand homosexuality, even if she had a gay friend when she was a teenager, but she watched him suffering due to his sexuality. However, she was intensely against that propaganda against gay adoption, as she believed that "two men could love a child as any conventional marriage can". For me those were confusing messages. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid too to come out at school: I didn't want to be bullied, as some other gay kids were back then. So I just... dissapeared. I became unreachable. That's how I protected myself against pain. My sexuality was only my "problem"... and I thought it would dissapear anytime soon.

Of course, it didn't.

When I was 16, I meet a group of girls that became my friends. And finally I felt confortable to tell them the truth. But I was so scared, as I really feared they could rejet me. My coming out "scene" was confessing that "I like girls, but guys turn me on". And... it was ok for them. And, for the first time ever in my life, I felt free, happy, safe. I told my brother too, and he was so supportive...

I then met a boy. I was 17, he was 14. We connected instantly, he realized he was gay as he began to like me, and so did I. And hen we started our first relationship ever. But... shortly after, his parents discovered the truth. And they got angry, really angry. And forced me to tell my mother it all, or they would do that first.

So I had no choice. That moment, who was meant to be so important in my life (I was determined to tell her that I was gay and I had a boyfriend), turned out to be a nightmare, an imposition.

So I told her... and her reaction was traumatic for me. It still hurts me when I remember it. She couldn't believe it. I couldn't be gay. It was just a phase, for sure. Because she was scared and worried about me suffering for being gay: being rejected, hated, discriminated. And she didn't approve my relationship, as the difference of age was evident.

I understand that she had reasons to be afraid, and she couldn't handle it properly because she didn't know how... but her reaction hurted me so much that, since then, I was not able to confess my sexuality to anyone until several years later. And my boyfriend and I went on with our relationship in secret. He finally told his parents the truth, and they had to accept it. I never did it with my mother: 12 years have passed since he and I broke up, and I still never told my mother that we were together, although I'm pretty sure she knows it.

When I was 20, I came out to my best friend. I felt that I was lying to him, just when our friendship was reaching that point of mutual confidence, not just having fun together. But I really feared him being angry not only because I lied him or didn't trust him, but because he rejected me as I was "dangerous". And that morning... I cried, I cried a lot. But he just holded my hand and told me that everything was ok, he even laughed. And stood with me.

However, for years it was so difficult for me to came out... I only could do that to my friends when I was drunk.

I finally came out again to my mum when I was 26. Just to let her know that it was not a phase. I was gay, and I was ready to be with a guy, and wanted to. She accepted it, she promised that she would support me anytime... but asked me to keep it secret to the rest of my catholic, traditional and even homophobic family. So I did. And we both have spoken about my sexuality since then, five years ago...

Until I found a job far away from home, and then promised myself that I wouldn't have to experience again the "coming out" scene. I didn't want to plan it, to dispose people around me, to tell them "hey, I'm gay". I put all my efforts to "let homosexuality in": into my conversations, my attitudes. Naturally, but evidently. Why should I tell "I'm gay" instead of "I think that this actor is hot too"?

And now... I've lost that fear. If people ask me, I don't have to lie. And if they don't ask but I can "act gay", then I'm gay. And it has helped me to create an environment around me much more healthy. I regret I couldn't do it earlier, and my friends in my hometown had to experience my tears, my frustration, myself drunk and only then being sure about confessing who I was. But I had to learn it by myself. Even if I knew that they were going to be supportive... I had to believe it, and I couldn't then. When I was finally far away from home, then I felt that I could (and I had to) "take the risk" and build my personality since the beginning. And that was the first step: no more coming outs.

Because I am who I am, and now I don't need to show it, just feel it and live it.

 

Thank you very much. I'm trying to be happy with it. It's hard, yes, but it's worth. However, I couldn't expell at all that feeling of "you better be silent". I fear that it will be with me forever.

 

Thank you very much for your kind words, BlueLion . And thanks too for your message in my profile. Unfortunately, I can't neither write on your wall nor send PMs, but it's good to find more Spanish people here!

 

Thank you, quebec! I couldn't write on his wall, but now it's fixed and I can