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I’m always doubting my attraction to women

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Honeylemon10, Aug 31, 2022.

  1. Honeylemon10

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    Any sexual or romantic dreams I’ve ever had have been about women. Kissing etc, like only ever girls. I’ve never had one about a boy yet I still occasionally try to gaslight myself into thinking that I’m faking my attraction to girls for attention or to be ‘cool’.

    I don’t believe myself when I think of the possibility that I could ever not be into boys, because ‘I’m not that different’, and ‘I’m just faking it, so stop trying to be quirky’. And I know it sounds stupid but it feels like some sort of waste if I don’t? Like that’s so dumb, I know, but I’m having an internal battle with myself over this. Not finding a label, I’m not as bothered by, it’s just the coming to terms that I may not actually be attracted to men at all, or even if I am, that I AM ACTUALLY attracted to women too.

    I’ve never had an issue with being bisexual, I’ve just accepted that about myself, but for some reason, now it’s actually hitting me like 2 years later, and it doesn’t feel real. My brain’s telling me ‘no, I can’t actually be attracted to women, you’re not special stop acting like it’. But then I think about my future and I see myself being with a women and I fantasise about it a lot. But with men, I don’t rlly at all.

    I also gave the Demisexual label a go last year, (I’ve pretty much dropped it, because it’s so dumb to keep micro-labelling myself) which I think only came about because I didn’t feel any sexual attraction towards men and I thought I just needed to get to know them before I did… which is not the case with women…

    I don’t even know what sexual attraction actually feels like. Am I sexually attracted to these male celebrities or am I just ridiculously obsessed with them?

    I have this other thing, where I think I’d rather date a man as a man and not as a woman. I know it sounds weird, but if I was a gay man, I’d date them, but I dunno as a girl.

    I also have this issue with not knowing wether these ‘celebrity crushes’ I have are ‘crushes’ as such or rather just obsessions. Like would I ACTUALLY want to be in a relationship with any of them? I’m rlly not sure. And I think part of me doesn’t want to accept the fact that I’m not actually sexually attracted to them.

    I’m pretty sure with have this crush on this girl at the moment, and what I mean by ‘pretty sure’ is yes, I do have a crush on her, I’m just hesitant because it doesn’t feel like the obsession I had with the boy I claimed to ‘like’ last year.

    One of my brain’s many excuses for how ‘I can’t possible be a lesbian’ is that I had this ‘crush’ on a boy in my year last year, and I’ve never felt anything like that towards a girl. But looking back I think it was more an obsession with the idea of him rather than actual attraction, because I literally didn’t know him. I guess I found his intelligence attractive, but I’m not sure it was at all in a sexual way. I’m pretty sure I chose to have a crush on him when I was in 2nd lockdown, I don’t remember.

    I KNOW I like women, like all the evidence is there:

    • Only being able to get off to thoughts of girls
    • Regularly fantasise about sexual and romantic activities with women
    • Only properly being able to envision a relationship with a woman in the future
    • Have had crushes on a couple girls in the past (as much as my brain wants to deny and gaslight myself into believing wasn’t real).
    • Find myself checking women out in the street and in school not the boys
    I don’t want to ever rule out the option of dating a boy because I might actually like it, but then again, I also believe that’s my fear of not actually liking boys talking. The bit of me that doesn’t want accept my attraction to women.

    I’m going on a bit of a spiral and it’s hurting my brain LOL
     
  2. quebec

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    Honeylemon10.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you.

    When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can post a question on my Profile Page or send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. bambibat

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    I can relate to a lot of this.

    I have a very strong preference for women. Even though I had crushes on boys during childhood, as I grew up I couldn’t imagine dating or getting intimate with a man. Then I fell in love with a girl. In my late teens I tried to make myself like men more so I could be like my straight friends. I always felt guilty when I didn’t return a guy’s feelings for me. I never related to girls who liked boybands or male superheroes. Whereas I have embarrassingly strong obsessions with female fictional characters and can only see myself being happy in future with a woman.

    Yet I second guess myself all the time! It can be hard to not fall into the cycle of hyper-analysing it all. There are pretty negative stereotypes out there that bi women (and lesbians) tend to get thrown at them — that we just want attention, that we don’t truly love women, or that it’s just a phase and eventually we will end up with a man anyway. And of course there’s also a degree of shame/embarrassment that affects everyone who experiences same-sex attraction, which makes it easier to grapple at doubts. It all comes from societal attitudes.

    I always feel like I need to prove myself not only to others, but myself as well. It sounds like you may be going through the same? But at the very least, your same-sex attraction absolutely is real.

    I know it can be really hard to get out of the rut. But remembering some things have helped me:

    - remind yourself that it’s okay to not have every answer to every difficult thought. The sense of urgency you might feel is false, and indulging it will only deepen the cycle. This was some advice that came from this forum, and I’m grateful for it.

    - no matter who you are attracted to (whether it’s just women, or women and men to a degree) it doesn’t mean your life is fated to be a certain way. For example even though I know I’m on the bi spectrum, it doesn’t mean I ever have to force myself to be with a man. I know I can have a happy future with a woman. No amount of hyper-analysing will change that fact.

    - and lastly, same-sex attraction is okay and perfectly natural. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

    Sorry if this is a bit of a long answer. Wishing you all the best!
     
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  4. Honeylemon10

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    Thank you sm for your reply. It’s rlly comforting to see that I’m not alone in this, and thank you for the advice too, I rlly appreciate it :slight_smile:)
     
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  5. Prisma

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    Honey lemon,
    I can relate in my own way. I came out later in life because, although the signs were there, I don't think I could ever accept my attraction to women. I'm married to a man partly because I didn't not accept that I am bi until after I was married. Now, my attraction to women seems stronger. I think because I supressed it so long. Culture seemed very homophobic when I was growing up. I personally think it's fine whoever we are attracted to. It's more about the person to me anyway. We are at some point on a spectrum and not purely heterosexual or homosexual. I believe this can also fluctuate during an individual's lifetime. So, as difficult as it may be, try to accept yourself. There are many shades, sexuality is fluid and changing, much like life.
     
  6. Ingvermama

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    I feel like I could have written what you have written here. I have always wondered a little about my sexuality as I was reluctant to have straight sex as a teenager, didn’t feel ready, ever. I have had crushes on men and women, but always denied the lesbian crushes as I didn’t want to be gay. I am now married in a straight relationship, but my attraction to women is strong, and again in my late 40s I have no interest in straight sex, but would love to with a woman.
     
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  7. rainbow96

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    This is a common issue for lesbians. Society has constantly told us that our relationships aren’t “real” and “don’t count” bc no man is involved. It sounds like you are suffering from compulsory heterosexuality. Look it up and see if it sounds like what you’re dealing with.
     
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  8. Jakebusman

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    Theres nothing wrong with being attracted to women
     
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