I’m 27, in a long term relationship with a man and we have just bought a house together. I do care and love him deeply, but I know I’m gay. I’ve been confused all my life but over the past 3 years, and after falling for a friend (unreciprocated), I finally admitted to myself I’m a lesbian. It was at the point I had to make a choice. A) blow my life up, make my family disappointed and disgusted, break my boyfriends heart and be vulnerable. Possibly live a life where I was unable to find love or B) Be my true self with confidence and fall in love. Run the risk that I might never find someone to love. (Is there even a high chance I’d find a girl to love who wants marriage and children?) I knew I had to make this choice, and I decided to choose the safer and more cowardly option: B. I’m now tied to a mortgage with a guy I love, but not sexually attracted to. I absolutely hate myself. I feel disgusted but there’s no other choice. I simply don’t have the confidence to chase after my true self. I left it too long and now im here. I do want to lead a straight life because it’s simple. It’s easier for myself and everyone else involved. I don’t have to disappoint others, be disowned, be the black sheep of the family. I can carry on leading the same life as everyone else: marriage, house and children. That’s what makes people happy and feel complete, right? I know, and I’ve always known that choosing to lead a straight life will make me suicidal at some point. I know deep down (when I have time to think deeply) that I’m making a huge mistake, that when I’m on my deathbed the only thing I’ll regret is this. I know this, yet I can’t change it. The anxiety of regret doesn’t outweigh the anxiety and fear of hurting everyone around me. Maybe when I’m 50, my children have moved out and I’ve accomplished everything I’ve wanted (house, marriage, children), I’ll feel comfortable in coming out, divorce and lead my true life. But right now, I don’t see anything else than my current path as an option. I just feel so stuck, so hopeless and depressed. I know this will bite me in the ass in 30 years, but right now I can’t do anything. I want to live a straight life, I want the peace and quiet of just living a nice life with my boyfriend. I don’t want to rock the boat. I’ll leave that for my future self in 30 years. My boyfriend joked the other week that he thinks me and my brother are gay because we aren’t very affectionate. I felt horrified when he said that. Maybe he already knows? Maybe my lack of physical touch makes him aware? Maybe I’m just looking into it. I just know I’m living a life I know I’ll regret. But it’s too late, and I’m too comfortable to do anything about it. I hate myself for lying and being a selfish cow.
Poohbear, you've said it yourself: this is a mistake. Please get out before you get to the next stage - marriage and kids. At the moment all you would need to do is split from your boyfriend and sell the house. That involves a little bit of pain and upheaval now. Compare that to the massive upheaval and pain for all concerned if you tie yourself even further in with this guy. Be brave, Poohbear. Do the right thing - for both yourself and your boyfriend - and end it, before the sh*t really does start to hit the fan.. Hugs, Beth x
I’m being your future self as we speak. I’ve wasted a lot of years and have really hurt a wonderful woman. I’ve also stolen a lot of time from her and I’m smashing my life up with quite a small amount of time to put it right. I did my level best to make it work but, like you, deep down I knew it couldn’t. My family and friends (that know) have been amazingly accepting. My wife was also pretty good partly because she knew that there was obviously something wrong. I found that speaking to a good therapist has also been very useful to make sense of things and get the control and confidence back. Good luck.
I can't offer advice from the viewpoint of a married person, because I've never been in such a situation, but I know well being stuck in your comfort zone, but sometimes you do need to make decisions where you need to get out of that comfort zone for your own well being. It might be very hard first, but later down the road you will be grateful to yourself for making that decision. I also reccomend therapy. It can be very helpful, even if just be able to talk about it all and to get a different perspective.
Hey I totally get where you are coming from and I know this is so so difficult but I don’t think it’s going to bite you in the ass in 30 years I think it is already doing so. If you were ok with the situation you were in at the moment my guess is that you wouldn’t be here on the forum pouring your heart out to us. I’m glad you are here though. I think the first step for you is to try and get some counselling or join an lgbt group which may be able to help you through this tricky period. You care for your boyfriend even if you are not attracted to him, as much as you think leaving him will hurt him, staying with him for the long term will hurt him more and as the friend of someone who has lost a sister and a dad to suicide I am sure your friends and family would rather you came out to them than they had to deal with the devastation of losing you to suicide, please please don’t let it get that far. Right now you feel like you are in an impossible situation but tiny step by tiny step you can do this.
Hey, I can completely understand where you are coming from. I have been in relationships with men before I came out and like you, it made me miserable. You have said yourself that this is a mistake and as said above, you need to get out before you are tied down. Not only for yourself, but for your boyfriend. You mentioned that he joked that you are gay so he sounds like he is supportive of LGBTQ+ people; he might be upset at first but i’m pretty confident he will come around and you may be able to be friends if you both want that. I know from experience it can be difficult for men you have been in a relationship to find out you’re a lesbian but the majority of those men probably had a feeling anyway due to lack to lack of affection (that’s my experience anyway). It also sounds like you could be dealing with compulsory heterosexuality from what you say about wanting to be straight and and the fact you worry about disappointing people and feeling as if you have to stay with your boyfriend which happens to a lot of lesbians but it is possible to live a happy life and find a woman you love and who loves you. Don’t give up- you deserve to be happy! If you would like to talk further please don’t hesitate to write on my wall. Good luck
You sound a little like me but I lived the straight life. I was with my ex male partner 18years and we have two children. It never made me happy. It was the norm to live the straight life when I grew up and after I had my youngest I was unhappy for years. I unexpectedly met a woman who I liked 18months ago. I got to know her although it was professional via her job. I broke up with my ex last Xmas and I left last month - I am doing everything you fear. I am homeless, jobless, moneyless and my children are remaining with my ex. I told my sisters about this woman but no one else. No one is gay on my family. It felt completely natural to speak about her. As she cannot be involved due to her job - I don't have her either. I am truly alone. I question myself everyday. Some days I am confident and accepting but others I doubt myself and maybe think it wasn't real. I am afraid that I will never find someone who will love me for being myself. My ex could never give me that. That is something I learned the hard way as we got older. My ex was accepting of the situation. Have you spoke to your partner?
If it’s just you two I would say get out. That being said have you talked to your husband about adding another woman? I think most men would be receptive to the idea. This may take some pressure off you until you make a decision. Only you know what is best for you
Hi - sending you lot’s of love !! First, congratulations on admitting this about yourself despite currently living up to society’s expectations. It is not easy to come to terms with. As a gay man, I can say that once you know and admit it to yourself, it’s almost impossible to go back to the heterosexual way of thinking. I was 21, had a girlfriend, great friends great life just about to graduate college. Then I realized I was in love with my roommate and always had been. I didn’t sleep for a week straight. I was gay, always had been, always will be - I was finally letting the thought float from my subconscious. I came out to everyone, including my super conservative family and nobody cared. Yes, it took a long time to adjust for everyone. My friends, family, colleagues. I’m not undermining your fears, it is 100% valid. But you will waste not only the one life you have, but the life of somebody else. That is what did it for me. I could live a lie for myself but could never live a lie to hurt someone else. You owe yourself true love and peace and happiness. It is a long and scary road, but one we’ve all been through (those of us out). Your life will never be the same. But once you experience that road you will realize how much you weren’t really living. Please don’t be afraid to ask me for advice. I wish you well.
Looking at your situation, and what you are feeling I would like to point out some points I think that needs to be considered. 1) You admin you are lesbian 2) You chose a safe route, acting straight, due to "simplicity" of the relationship type 3) You feel depressed and stuck 4) There seems to be a suspicion, based on affection Its difficult to navigate relationships, especially where you are in a commitment (financial, kids or other wise) and still be truthful to your self. Considering the points, you may need to re-evaluate where you stand, and if a 30 year "punishment" would work. I agree, in your situation, try and get a good therapist to help you through these emotions and feelings you are experiencing. You need someone in your corner, more hands on, that can not only give advice, but be there as you navigate these waters, however you choose. Working out logistics , with regards to mortgage ect.. ect.. those are just financial transactions, and can be negotiated. Our partners sometimes have those hunches that somethings up... maybe consider this as a blessing.. their minds are already halfway there... it can be a segway in the direction you need it to be (what I did, although I am out as bi, wife thinks I am gay .. ) it gives you a foot in the door.. so to speak. Remember, you are important, your happiness is important. Don't compromise.
Poohbear there’s great advice here. You have to make a choice right. It’s complicated but you already know the right decision for you. Now it’s up to you. It can be simple. It can be complicated. It can be a mess. It can be a disaster. Which one fits best for you? Someone probably gets hurt either way. You choose or someone else does it for you. Perhaps owning your truth makes a difference for the rest of your life. I waited decades to get it right. I have choices around that. I can criticize myself literally to death for hiding from myself for so long or I can be sooo grateful I finally got here. My choice is gratitude. Hope you will find the right choice for your future. It’s totally up to you. Bless you!
