I definitely understand what you are saying. My senior year in high school I tried to kill myself because I just couldn't see a way forward for me. I literally looked out at my future and drew a blank. I didn't know anyone who was gay and I didn't know what that could look like. I certainly couldn't have ever imagined the life I have now. It fills me with such joy that there's so much out there now, that even if someone doesn't actually know any gay people in person they can at least look at Ellen DeGeneres or Neil Patrick Harris and countless others. They can find books in just about every bookstore that tell our stories, movies, television programs. I remember when I first came out finally meeting gay people and reading hundreds of novels (even 25 years ago there were so many once you knew where to look) and opening up to the endless possibilities, possibilities I would have never seen if my Mother hadn't inexplicably showed up and managed to get my stomach pumped. I guess that's all to say that you made it through. Look forward with hope and backwards with forgiveness, and then... move forward.
Took me a few years after coming out to be able to say to myself: "Homosexuality is not normal in society, but it's normal to my true self and the most important thing is to be true to yourself" That thought always makes me smile inwardly - I'm glad not to have turned out 'normal'
