Holding on and letting go....

This year makes 5 years since I came out and got a divorce. So much has happened over these 5 years... three close family members have passed away (stepdad who was my dad honestly and my grandma and grandpa). I’ve also had a bit of break down and been killing it therapy lol. Last year I made a huge turn emotionally and now finally I’m back working, have health insurance (big deal which is ridiculous I know), saving a little bit each check, working on building some good credit (haven’t had anything in my name in ever and some doctors bills counting against). I feel like I’m in such a great place and moving forward in ways I never have.

So... I’m holding on to some unhealthy thinking when it comes my body. I’ve lost a ton of weight (almost 150lbs) but still need to lose 50... I still see myself as fat... like super fat.... I have to look at old pics to really see how much I’ve lost. I pick apart my appearance... it’s just me.

Then... there’s the trouble in letting go. I have a huge desire to have close friends... someone to talk to, spend time with, just close friends you know. When I find someone I click with on a friendship level I tend to wanna hold on to that (like no matter if we can’t really hang out in person often)... even when they clearly don’t have the same intentions in the relationship. Like... it’s hard... I’m assuming I view things so differently. Like a friend (she’s a close friend) I was in her wedding in December... now I’ve attempted twice to meet up since and it’s never possible. Or another friend I talk to everyday... again been dying to hang out and he’s never up for it.. well today we did for his lunch break but still normally no... then a friend I talked to all day everyday for over a year, he’s gone! I’m trying to balance giving him space since (I think he’s going through something) and letting him know I’m still here and not missing him like crazy.

It’s gonna take time to find some balance I guess... looking at myself and seeing someone who looks ok, and building some relationships that are more fulfilling.