I'm back. About 7 months ago I ended my engagement to my partner, a man, due to realizing I'm super queer and likely a lesbian. After a month of being broken up he came to me in tears, saying he realized he actually can't take care of himself (he's trying to get on disability for mental health reasons), so I decided to try to make it work. It's not working, what a shock. My mental health has been deteriorating. I'm finally in therapy but my anxiety and depression is through the roof, having intrusive thoughts, feel like I'm having a mental breakdown in general. My therapist wants me to tell my partner that I live him but I'm not IN love with him anymore and work out a plan so he can move out on like 10 months when the lease on our place ends again. I'm the sole breadwinner, have been completely supporting him for the past 3 years, I've been mostly supporting us for our whole relationship which has been 9 years. He has been in therapy and trying to get back to being able to do basic chores. So... I've been working full-time, cleaning, doing dishes, doing his and his son's laundry, cooking, everything. Km burnt OUT. He keeps saying he just wants me to be happy, he knows I'd be happier with a woman, but he doesn't want me to leave him. I've been having a lot sexual issues, dissociating, but it's been slightly better lately since he's very aware of when I'm having problems during sex. But I think it's because I'm gay... And don't feel the romantic connection anymore. I feel pressured to have sex even though he says I should say no if I'm not into it, but then if we don't do it often enough he gets really upset and feels rejected and unattractive. But it's killing me. We used to have great chemistry, but that's gone now. I'm so STRESSED. I don't want to hurt him or put him through this again, but I'm dying inside. I hate my life. I'm miserable. I'm so lost.
Hello PeachyGirl, From what you've written, I'm gonna be honest with ya, it sounds like you're being used... Of course, I don't know the reason behind this guy's unemployment but that sounds miserable for the both of you. Honestly, when I'm running low, I prioritize myself because I am responsible for my own life, and so are the 2 of you. You have to do what's best for you, whatever that may be. I apologize if I'm bleak or blunt, I'm just trynna speak my mind. I see way too many people settle because they're "in love" or are too insecure and get manipulated and taken advantage of and can't seem to get past that clog and it's really sad. Life is what you make it and you can't forget that you deserve to be happy too.
I agree, sadly it sounds like a really unhealthy relationship (at least for you..) I mean, even in relationships when you are both very much in love with each other, it is REALLY hard for one person to carry the other so much - not just financially and practically but emotionally as well! Does he have family (parents?) or anyone else to help him - because it sounds like you need to look after yourself for a while! Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.
Unfortunately he doesn't have family who can really help, he has his dad and sister but there both usually struggling too and they both have kids. His dad practically adopted his ex-wife's teens so there's no room for my partner to crash with him, or his sister (she also has 2 teens). He doesn't really have friends he could stay with either. He's kind of difficult with other people, super ADHD, PTSD, bipolar, anxious, etc. I'm just struggling again with how to talk to him about how I feel, he reallllly wants me to tell him how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking because I'm really hard to read and I keep things to myself so much. But I'm much more inclined to bottle it up and make myself feel horrible than to say something that would make him feel bad, which is really stupid I know.
At least you acknowledge that your behavior doesn't make sense. Not trying to dig at you but that's basically it. I was the same exact way. If something bothered me, I blamed myself because I didn't respect myself. As a child, I was told "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." I'm sure you know the saying. Also, I felt pressure to be the perfect daughter and to be the "wise" big sister. I thought that meant that I had to bottle everything "bad" up and always be this perfect girl. As you can imagine, that is a very toxic mindset for an adult or any person really. As for the whole "Where would he go?" problem, he doesn't HAVE to move out, but you do need to cut him off romantically (and financially at some point). When my parents divorced, they stayed under the same roof for maybe a year until my dad got his old job back and moved out. They both had jobs and waited until my sister finished highschool. You need to set a time limit for when he needs to be out. That is very important. I can't really speak on the whole co-dependent thing, as I have always been very independent and introverted, so I can't tell if your situation is due to a lack of self-respect or not..
Yeah, previously when I ended it in March I have him until the lease ran out on our place (it ended in Sept) so I'd organist do the same thing and he'd have longer this time. Thank you for not saying he needs to move out immediately, last time I got a lot of pressure from family and friends to give him way less time to leave, which was really unrealistic considering he has almost no support outside of me.
PeachyGirl.....This reminds me of the standard spiel when you are on an airliner about the oxygen mask. Always put yours on first, then help someone else. I don't think you can do much to help him until you have had time to help yourself. That sounds rough, but I think there is a lot of truth in it. I have no big, wonderful solutions...I wish I did. But I do know that you need time for yourself first. .....David
Yeah, give him as much time as you feel is realistic, but I know you're having trouble talking to him about this again. Why is that?
I know it'll break him again if I do this again. I think he's been making a little progress with therapy and trying to take care of himself and I'm afraid it'll set him back. He's REALLY in love with me so it's painful. I'm also embarrassed because he kind of made it out to be not legit when I previously told him I'm gay, because I *can* have sex with him, but it's been getting more and more difficult for me to have sex at all. Last night we tried and it took me forever to relax enough to get to the point where we did it, he was realld supportive and not pressuring me and trying to help me just relax and cuddle, but my body gets extremely tense and I feel withdrawn. It's so embarrassing. I don't want to say it's because I'm very gay but I think that's a big part of it.
I don't know what else to say really. At the end of the day, it's your relationship and hopefully at some point you'll have suffered enough to be able to heal and move forward. It does not sound healthy to me but I obviously don't know everything. You do you, but it seems like you haven't read what you want to hear from the threads about your struggle with this. You've garnered some sympathy, but not a solution that you're okay with. It might take you some time to get a grip on the situation. All I can do now is wish you well. I hope things get better for you.
I want to say something else because I don't want to come across as a cold hearted person. I know you care about him, I'll be it maybe a little too much, but that's understandable given how long you've been together and the situation. The sex sounds very traumatic. I don't think there's any denying that if you're tense and disassociating every time you do it with him. That could be because you're gay and or for another reason. It's hard to tell. I know deep down that you know the situation isn't fair to you and maybe that's part of it. Any which way, don't let him tell you your sexuality isn't valid, whatever it may truly be, because he's using that insecurity of yours to continue having sexual relations with you, along with guilt tripping, which is clearly working, and trying to "give you more space" and also, when he sees you pull away more he tries to appear like he's on your side and "validates" your sexuality and even agrees with you about it, and that is messed up.
I agree with Gleek99 - of course its very easy, from the outside, to see what you "should" do - we don't have any emotional connection to your partner! But that's also the benefit of outside opinions isn't it? Somehow or other (and in your own time-frame) I think you need to end the romantic side of the relationship - even if you keep supporting him and living together and helping however you can. I think it can be really damaging (to you) to try to force intimacy like that - though i understand why you are in that situation. Maybe try to imagine how you would view this situation in the future - what would the future "you" think of it? And please don't be put off by us seeming callous or unsympathetic towards him - my heart just really goes out to you and I don't want you to look back with regret or even psychological trauma from this! I think it's very admirable what you're doing to try to help but please look after yourself too! (and coming here to talk about it is a great sign of self-care!)
What I'm suggesting is whether it would be possible to change you relationship to more of roommates or friends - or is it a possibility to go to therapy WITH him? Or some sort of couples counseling or mediation? If not now, at some point.
I talked to him, he initiated a conversation so we talked. We broke up again. I feel really bad about it but also better? I HATE hurting him like this but I can't keep a relationship going just for him. So I feel shitty but relieved too. I just don't want to ruin his life, he has very little support outside of me.
I'm glad you're feeling at least a little bit better about the situation. Now the important part, and maybe the hardest, is to maintain this and also set and keep some boundaries. It will get easier with time so give yourself that. Once you start to settle into this "roommates" thing, you can figure out your next steps, but until then you have to stand your ground and think of this as a good thing. Remind yourself of the positives and reassure yourself that this is beneficial to both of you, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. I hope things get easier for you.
Yeah it's been feeling better this past week, he gets it this time that I'm gay due to all the time I spent trying to make this work but my aversion to sex and all my anxiety. So now my anxiety is drastically reduced! He's trying to convince me to still live together but as roommates after our lease ends, but I want to live alone. He's afraid of living alone and I don't know how he will manage to get a place, but lease doesn't end until Sept. I'm going to help him as much as I can without enabling him (hopefully).
I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. This sounds like an excellent start and you seem to know what you want going forward. That's a hell of a lot of time until the lease ends. Don't let him mooch off of you forever. I think a year is more than enough to get on his feet but again, pick a timeline that's realistic to you.
