Help. My 12-year-old DD just confided in me that she is bisexual.

Don't feel bad about googling someone and online stalking them. Your her mother, and so it is your responsibility to check out those she is having contact with--it's not creepy, it's smart and good parenting. It's good that things seem legit, which at least lets us know that she isn't in any real danger from some adult trying to take advantage of her. So we can take all the worst case scenarios off the table, and now focus on the facts at hand.

In what way? One of the good things about this situation is that she is not nearby, which means that they likely have no friends or other people in common. This gives your daughter some degree of protection from her sexual orientation being leaked out to people she knows. (And thus being publicly outed.)

Since we've taken off the table that the girl is likely some type of predatory adult, the risks of contact are much lower. The primary concern that I would have, and the main thing that I would focus on as "the red line that must not be crossed" is nude or sexually explicit photos or videos. Of course, I think we are both fairly confident that your daughter would not act in such a way. However, that is a conversation that needs to be had with her--just so she knows up front that you have a zero tolerance policy there.

At the moment, this would be the place where I have legitimate concern. Not because the other girls mother could do anything to harm your daughter, except maybe hurt her feelings, but for concern for her friend. This is a conversation that you need to have with your daughter if you decide to let her resume contact with this other girl. Your daughter needs to understand the risk her friend is in, and your daughter would need to have a conversation with her about it as well. The risk is ultimately on her friends shoulders, but knowing what you know, you have an obligation to have this discussion with your daughter. It's important that your daughter understand the need to be careful, and even the need to lie to protect her friend should her mother find out and confront her.

It's important to understand that pretty much anyone you'd feel comfortable with your daughter having contact with is going to be around her age. You are pretty much guaranteeing the fact most if not all of them are going to be in the closet to their parents. You are at an advantage because you know about your daughter's sexuality, and of course that also places more responsibility on your shoulders as an adult and a parent to make sure that anyone she is interacting with is acting appropriately.

In a way it's sort of like parents of one of your daughters friends dropping one of their kids off at your house to spend a week with your daughter over the summer break. For that week you are responsible for them as if they were your own. Similar rules apply to this type of situation. As the adult in the situation, you have to look out for their best interest as well as your daughters.

Here is how I would handle this situation.

I would begin to have a conversation with your daughter regarding what she did wrong. I'd want to reiterate the rule, and then explain to her (again if you have already done so) why it is in place. It's important that she understand what she did was unacceptable, and that the rule is in place for a reason.

Then I pivot the conversation toward her. I think it's important to empathize with her, and to understand why she did what she did. As she is generally a rule follower, I don't think she did what she did out of defiance. I think she gave out her information out of loneliness and desperation to connect with someone who understood what she was going through. I don't even really think we should classify her relationship with this other girl as "girlfriends" because that would imply some level of romantic or sexual intimacy. If I had to wager I'd say that your daughter came upon this other girl, discovered that they shared a lot in common--namely their sexuality--and she came out to her. It's very common for someone in the closet to develop feelings for the first gay person they meet and come out too. This is understandable, because up until that point you've been carrying around a secret. The first person you meet who has life experiences similar to your own, who has felt similar to you... there is a lot of empathy there in the relationship right off the bat. That individual takes on a high level of importance, and it's like you've been living in prison all your life and suddenly you have this one real connection to the outside world.

What your daughter is feeling is very normal and very human for someone in her situation. The fact that she broke rules and gave out her personal information does not shock me in the least. Someone who understood what she was feeling and going through was more important to her than any rule that you could have ever set and more powerful than any punishment that you could have threatened. The desire to not be "the only one" or to "be alone" is a very strong and primal desire in all people. It is going to override every thing else.

In my view, this girl she is communicating with is less a girlfriend (in the romantic sense) and more a kindred spirit who understands what she is feeling and going through--in other words, a really close and intimate friend.

It is super important that your daughter have other people like this in her life. Being in the closet is extremely hard and difficult, and one of the primary reasons LGBT Teens commit suicide (aside from abuse and bullying) is the sense of isolation and loneliness that they experience. One of the primary goals you should have as her mother should be to help her to become less isolated and to help her become as connected to other people who understand and accept her as possible. Immediately after her physical safety, you want to have on your list: cures for isolation and loneliness.

A lot of mental illness arises from prolonged isolation and loneliness, ranging from depression to making it more difficult to connect to others--causing anxiety and other social disorders.

Imagine, for a moment, that you have a pet dog. You raise that dog to only have contact with yourself and your family. He spends the bulk of his life tied up in the backyard. He never socializes with other dogs, though he can sometimes hear them beyond the fenced in yard. One day he manages to break his leash, dig a hole under the fence, and get loose. Is he going to have any idea on how to interact with other people, other animals, or even others of his own kind--other dogs? The answer to that is no. You've raised a dog that is filled with social disorders, that may be afraid or aggressive toward other people, animals, and other dogs. To try and help the dog become semi-normal is going to require a good dog trainer, who is going to slowly help the dog figure out how to adjust to the world and all the things he'll find in it.

Humans may be more complicated, but fundamentally speaking we aren't that different. We just call our dog trainers therapists, but their fundamental role is the same. Living life in the closet is similar to being like the dog in the backyard who is tied up and lives behind a fence. You are hidden away from the rest of the world. Then one day you grow up. You move out of your home and leave your parents behind. You suddenly are "free" and have more freedom. You realize that you have the opportunity to finally begin exploring, but you're afraid and uncertain.

That's the experience of the bulk of gay people. You stay in the closet, and then start exploring things once you're out from under your parents roof--usually in college. This means you're only starting to experiment with romantic relationships and the like almost a decade--if not more--behind most of your straight peers. Then you have to deal with all the social, mental, and emotional issues that have arisen as a result of you living the bulk of your life in the closet.

It is a misconception by both a lot of straight and gay people that coming out of the closet magically fixes everything. The truth of the matter is that coming out is really only the first step toward fixing the problems. You cannot even really start down that journey until you have started to be authentic, both with yourself and others.

Your daughter has an important advantage in this and that is both you and her father. You both love and support her. She has taken that first important step in coming out, and truly she already has the most difficult step in coming out behind her. However, it is really only a first step. Due to her age and the fact that you are her mother, you have the advantage of being able to guide her and help provide for her some sense of normality in her development that most of her LGB peers will lack.

If I had to make a wager, I'd say that your daughter will once again get in contact with this other girl with or without your consent. In fact, I am as certain of it as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow. You find yourself in a position where you are unintentionally creating a conflict between doing the right thing as an adult and a parent, which is to try and keep your daughter safe, and her very real human and understandable desire to connect with other people who understand what she is going through.

The concern I have, also as an adult, is that she is going to try and become clever and that she will begin hiding things from you. In other words, she doesn't want to get in trouble, but she still wants to connect with other people who understand what she is going through. So, in order to avoid getting into trouble, and to get what she wants she finds ways to cover her tracks and begins lying to you. It is the unintentional consequence of the position that she's being put into, and it may not happen today or tomorrow but this is where things will head eventually.

The way to avoid this is to bring these two things out of conflict. To achieve this it is important to understand why she did what she did, and empathize with her on this matter. Understand why it is important to her, and that this relationship isn't just like a heterosexual crush--it's more important than that to her at this moment. It's her connection to someone who understands what she is feeling and going through.

At the same time she has to understand why the rule exists in the first place, and why she shouldn't break it. If she understands this and agrees not to break it again, then you've achieved your primary objective.

However, now you need to bring the rule and the desire to connect with other people out of conflict. The best way to do this while still maintaining the integrity of the rule is to tell her that the rule still stands, but in the future if she wants to share her contact information she has to get your permission first. This gives you the opportunity to exercise due diligence as her parent, and keep a close eye on what is going down. It allows you to do some "googling and creeping" to make sure the person she wants to get in touch with is legit. It allows you to discuss things with her father, and for both of you to come to a decision together. It also allows your daughter a convenient excuse as to why she can't give that information out, because you monitor her online activity, and that she'll get in trouble if she gives it out without permission. It also gives her the easy ability to refuse people she doesn't want to share that information with, by simply telling them that she asked you and that you refused. This allows her to evade any sort of peer pressure that may be taking place.

All of this allows you to maintain the integrity of your rule, while at the same time giving your daughter a way around it that does not involve her trying to hide her actions and activities from you--which is something that you do not want. It also deepens your understanding of what is going on, and who she is talking to since she has to go through you first; which then allows you to keep closer tabs on what is going on.

After all of this is sorted out, and if your daughter agrees to abide by the changes to this rule; that is when we begin having the conversation about this other girls mother which I previously discussed.

 

I don't really think I can best any of the responses you've received already, but I just want to mention that I believe you should not monitor your childs internet usage (within reason anyway).

My parents used to (and still think they do, even though I've bypassed their security efforts) monitor every, single, thing, I did on the internet. It was a terrible feeling, and it made me feel like a criminal. It led to a ton of distrust with my parents that has not faded away even slightly since they first instated it (when I was around 11-12).

You can only protect a child so much on the internet. Bad stuff is out there, and they're gonna come across it eventually. However there is nothing wrong with delaying that until they're more capable of dealing with it.

My suggestion might be to setup your router/OS in such a manner that blocks certain keywords on websites, or even just create your own blacklist of websites or get one from someone else.


Can you imagine your parents listening to every conversation you had, on the phone or otherwise? It would have been terrible. It's no different for your daughter, and I think you should keep that in consideration.

Best of luck to you and your daughter! It makes me really happy that she has caring parents like you. As someone in the exact opposite situation, I assure you that she's very grateful for your reaction (sans the censorship maybe)

 

For a child in her position, it can be hard not to feel alone if she doesn't have any LGBT friends. It's good that her uncle is gay though (since it's been established in your family that it's ok). But I think it would be very helpful to her to know more accepting people.
I understand this is not easy since you live in a small town and I completely understand not trusting the whole social media thing.
However, the internet is actually the main thing that helped me personally to accept myself and feel less alone. There are bad things on the internet, but it's also a great way to meet other people like you/get support. You may want to think about letting your daughter use this site or a similar one (I know there's an age minimum of 13 but you could check. They can make exceptions).
Honestly though I think it would do her well to be able to talk to the girl she met online. If you still feel uncomfortable with your daughter not really knowing her in person, that's completely fine and you should do what you think is best. But if you're willing to try again, maybe you'd consider asking your daughter if you could meet this girl over a video chat.
I hope this helps and I wish you good luck!

 

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job overall, but I strongly disagree with not letting her talk to anyone but you guys & a therapist. When you're a pre-teen/teen, your parents are usually the last people on earth that you want to talk to about that stuff. And even if she were comfortable with it, you guys can't relate because you're not bisexual. A therapist might be helpful, but even then I think most kids would rather just talk to a peer they can relate to.

Yes, there are dangers online that shouldn't be taken lightly, but the internet can also be an AMAZING resource. It gives her the opportunity to talk relatively anonymously with people who she wouldn't be able to find otherwise. I mean, you're here talking to us, right? So I would really strongly urge you to re-think your policy on that.

Best of luck with everything!

 

Don't overlook this. It is normal to feel this way, and you do need someone you can confide in and get emotional support from--obviously someone you trust. Do you have any close friends (such as co-workers) well outside of your daughters social circles that you think might be understanding? Of course, coming out to someone like that could open yourself up to any prejudices that they might have, so... that's something to keep in mind.

Have you checked for a PFLAG in your area? That may be the most ideal case. It could open you up to meeting other parents, and potentially even creating a social network for your daughter.

This is a very wise decision. Maintaining normalcy is important for your daughter after coming out. Also, any stress you might be having that is expressed to her might be misinterpreted by her in an unintended way. Especially since she is so young.

When most people come out of the closet they become, for a time, hypersensitive to how people they've come out to treat them as well as what they say to them. It's normal to be that way, because even though they may say they don't have a problem with it, someone could just be telling you that because they feel they "have to say it" (as in they would look horrible if they didn't). So, you can easily find yourself reading the "tea leaves" of their words and actions, trying to figure out whether or not they really meant what they said... and because that is driven by anxiety it means that those words and actions are likely to be interpreted in a rather negative light.

This is why your approach is important. Normalcy is important, because it shows that things haven't changed. It creates a sense of stability and continuity. This is good for your daughter, and it will also be good for you.

 

It will stop. It is completely normal to feel this way, and it is even normal for it to be a delayed reaction. Right now, things are calming down after her initial coming out, and things are starting to sink in and your mind is starting to think about all the possible things that could go wrong as a result.

It's important to take a step back and take a deep breath. The reality is that if it wasn't this people might bully her and mistreat her regarding something else. Think back when when you were her age, did kids really need a good reason to bully and abuse each other? Not really. They'd find something. This is just a more obvious target.

So, rather than worrying about what may happen, what are some practical things you can do to prepare your daughter in some fashion? You can't place her in bubble wrap and protect her from the world, as much as you'd like too. We both know that the world can often be cruel and harsh. So, how is your daughter going to be best suited to face it? You have to teach her to empower herself. To learn to value who she is regardless of the judgments and beliefs of others. This is important for all children to learn, but especially LGBT children.

Everyday she opens her eyes, she needs to be prepared to be courageous, and to not surrender to fear. That's not an easy thing. It's something that takes practice, and some days are easier than others. However, the truth of the matter is you can only be courageous when you are afraid.

Another thing you want to do is to teach her to believe in herself. The sad truth is that unless you believe in yourself, no one else will. Everyone, especially LGBT people, have to cultivate a belief that they are intrinsically valuable as human beings and are worthy of love and respect. So even when you do encounter bigotry, it doesn't mean that it won't hurt, but it does mean that they can't touch a part of you--they can believe what they want, but deep down you know the truth. Their beliefs don't matter. It hurts, yes, but you learn to dig into that place within yourself, and you learn to pull yourself back up. You learn to lean on that belief, even when you feel weak.

There are a million different things that the world could throw at your daughter and even yourself. In the larger scheme of things, being LGBT is one of the least of them. The bulk of what your daughter needs--and she would need this regardless of her sexual orientation--is to learn how to be courageous, to believe in herself, and to use those things to cultivate a sort of inner strength and resilience to the rest of the world. We are all going to experience difficulties in our lives, moments when we are knocked down, and it's in those moments where knowing these things will be most valuable to your daughter. This is how you protect her--by preparing her to become a fully rounded adult prepared to face the world, so that she can grow up and thrive, and protect herself even when you are not there to help her.

 

Why would you not let your daughter talk to this girl online? You say you don't want people in real life to bully her so you told her not to tell anyone. So your daughter can't talk to anyone about her feelings. OK, she can talk to you, but what kid wants to talk about stuff like this with their parents? No one. You aren't her friend. If you don't let her talk to other people like her online, she is going to feel extremely isolated. I realized I was gay when I was the exact same age as her and there was nobody among my friends who would've even vaguely understood so I never told anyone and found online friends that I could talk to. If I didn't have that, I probably would've gone insane. I still keep in touch with some of these people and I am 21 now.

I understand that the Internet is full of creeps and rapists, but normal people far outweight criminals and perverts, it's good to be safe but there is no need to be paranoid. If you are worried about this girl she is talking to, ask her to see her on Skype or talk to her on the phone to make sure she isn't some 40 year old creep, but don't just dismiss her immediately, there is nothing wrong with having online friends.

And I'm sorry but it isn't your place to tell her whether she can discuss this with her friends or not. Sure you can tell her to be careful with whom she tells because some people might react badly but she already knows that and kids don't go around telling everyone they're gay unless it's a close person they trust anyway.

 

Just wanna add for age appropriate website: although EC (this website) has a 13+ policy, I believe that younger people can join with parental consent.

 

I've read all the updates and it sounds like you're doing your best and have improved since the first post!

I agree that she should have at least one friend to talk to about her sexuality since you can't really share private stuff like that with parents. I understand the worries about it spreading and her getting bullied, but that can happen with anything. I was never out in school, but kids found out I had autism and were horribly cruel to me because of it. So it can happen for any reason, even for having a first name that's considered "odd" to kids. We should teach kids to be careful with our secrets and to be able to deal with the consequences, but we can't completely shelter them or silence them.

 

Sorry I didn't read all the comments but this seems to me that you project your experience on her. Wouldn't be better to allow her to have the voice of her own?

 

OK well considering lots of your original questions have been answered I'm just going to start giving advice on whats happening now in the thread. Well first of all I just want to say that you are such a great parent and not only have you accepted your daughter's sexuality, but have looked up and are continuing to do so, ways to help her with her sexuality.

As for the girlfriend I get that this must be a really hard decision as a parent. If you don't want her to be in a relationship, thats fine. If you haven't already, explain to her that you wouldn't want her to be in a relationship yet if her girlfriend was a guy either in case she feels that you are still slightly against it. However I think that you should still try to let them stay friends. As the other people on this thread have said, she does need some support and connection to other LGBTQ children at this time. I think you should make it clear to her the dangers of the internet and to ask you every time she gives away any personal information (or if any).

But your daughter and this girl have obviously made a connection, especially shown to your daughter's reaction to her being banned from social media. As you do know that the girl is legit my advice is to continue to let your daughter talk to her as a friend. Does the girl, your daughter or yourself have Skype? I'm not encouraging you to get it or not but perhaps your daughter and her friend could talk through it, even if you ask your daughter to not make any new friends on it? The reason why I'm saying this is because this way you could meet your daughter's friend and perhaps be able to judge yourself whether or not she's nice.
It would also mean that your daughter would be able to talk face-to-face to her friend and get more of the support she needs from LGBTQ kids her age, and that you would be able to monitor their friendship in a more trusting way.

Your daughter is truly lucky to have you as a parent, and just keep continuing to love and support her.

 

Okay, that's not good news.

Here is what I recommend. Does your daughter know you've been looking at her friends instagram account? If not, this might be more difficult. If so, then this isn't so difficult.

I would encourage you to speak to your daughter about what you've seen. Express concern not for her, but for her friend. It's important that you make this not be about your daughter, because you don't want her to feel as if she has any culpability in what is happening. Imagine that her friend was your child, and follow your motherly instincts.

In the conversation with your daughter, just ask questions, and see where the conversation takes you. Encourage your daughter to open up to you about the situation, because you want to help. You want to seem like you are on her side, and you don't want to put yourself in the 'bad guy role that caused all this to happen.' It's very easy for a teenager to quickly slide you into the role of the villain, all we have to really do is think back to our own teen years, and all the times our parents told us stuff that was obviously right but we were too stubborn to listen and hated their guts for it.

So, you care about your daughter, but right now your concern is for her friend who you also care about. That's what you want to be getting across to her. You're not the villain, you're her friend, you're a mother, and you're concerned.

During the course of the conversation, see if your daughter would feel comfortable with you talking to her friend. Right now, you're in this difficult zone. If this was a boy she was having these issues with, the obvious solution would be to encourage her to let you get in touch with his parents. This way they know what is going on, and you can work with them (as the adults) to handle the issue. Unfortunately, you're dealing with someone in the closet. You can't go to their parents, and neither can she without coming out of the closet. This is one of the dangers of being in the closet, which your daughter (now that she is out to you) is free from.

As you are the adult in this situation, it's important for you to reach out to her friend and fill the adult role. However, you don't want to reach out without your daughters permission, as this can cause friction between you and your daughters relationship if she feels you are overstepping here. If your daughter is opposed to you talking to her friend, then it's important that you communicate with your daughter to keep up-to-date with what is going on and advise her on what to say and do. In other words, you want to be the mentor to your daughter, a confidant where she can turn to for help and support.

If you get the opportunity to speak with her friend, this gives you a chance to build a bit of rapport with her. This will hopefully also help you feel more comfortable with your daughter interacting with her, because you'll have actually had a chance to speak with her. See if her friend will open up to you. If you play your cards right you can move from, "the bad mom who broke up my romantic relationship" to "the cool mom of my friend who I trust and can turn to for advice and support." This is the best direction you can head in at the moment.

If nothing else, at least you've broached the subject with your daughter and have had a conversation with her. ...and by the way, don't be shocked that your daughter didn't tell you about what is going on. It is perfectly normal (and healthy) for teenagers not to tell their parents everything. What you want to do is build a relationship with your daughter where she feels comfortable coming to you and trusting in your advice and support. Definitely don't make this conversation about your daughter not coming to you and talking about it. That is just going to land you in the "my mother snoops on everything I do" category. That's another reason it's best for you to play the "I'm so concerned about your friend" card. This way it isn't about your daughter, it's about her friend.

 

Do you have regular contact with your old therapist, or have you been able to find one for your daughter yet? I honestly feel at this point you probably need some professional guidance.

My primary concern with the actions you've taken is that your daughter will blame herself for what is happening. For example, if she learns that her friend is cutting herself even worse because of this, or she learns her friend becomes suicidal then there is a high likelihood that she could blame herself.

I also believe that, as the only adult in the situation, you have a responsibility to reach out to her friend to give her an outlet. You know that she cannot get this from her parents, and she is very unlikely to turn to anyone for help. You know what is going on, and so there is a certain level of responsibility that I feel rests on your shoulders. Even if the only thing you do is direct her friend to a place like EC where she can receive support.

My advice at this point is really to get in touch with a professional ASAP. This way you can (hopefully) nip any issues in the bud before they arise.