Hello EC, I've occasionally posted on these forums in the "later in life" section and received some good advice when I was coming to terms with my sexuality and learning to look at myself in the mirror and accept that I was gay. Long story short, I was married to a female for 14 years and had two children with her. The marriage broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with my sexuality, but I decided to embrace my identity as a gay man after the marriage had ended. I met a great guy in the wake of that experience. It started as strictly friendly and grew into so much more. He told me he loved me last New Year's eve, and I was all to enthusiastic to say it back. I can honestly say, I've never had a stronger connection to another human ever. I absolutely, to my core, love this man on so many levels, and he has loved me passionately and made me feel it from him in return. So what could be so wrong? I've been carrying a lot of baggage around from my prior life and sorting through that. I knew I was gay when I was a teenager, and yet chose to hide it by getting married to a woman so I could keep putting up appearances and hiding my shame of being gay. When the marriage ended, I was only out to a handful of my closest friends, all of whom were very supportive. I didn't feel like I could come out to my family, and I certainly didn't know how to come out to my ex wife and my children. My closeted nature wore on my partner, who had been out to his family and friends since he was 17. Family is very important to him, and it troubled him deeply that I had such a hard time making the leap and fully integrating him into my daily life and giving him his place as my partner/lover/boyfriend. I was still saddled with that shame from decades ago, and it was debilitating. The thought of coming out to my family literally gave me anxiety and felt overwhelming. I always felt like I was living split lives: putting on a facade in front of my family and hiding my partner from them, while trying to carry on a relationship with him at the same time. Over time, this caused my anxiety to worsen. I constantly felt torn between trying to be a good father, a part of my family that loved me, and a good partner and lover to him. I had told him on multiple occsaions that I very passionately loved him and wanted him in my life, but that I felt very out-of-balance. This internal tug-of-war caused us to separate and come back together on a few occasions, most recently as July of this year. When we came back together, I made the commitment to him that I was going to come out to my family and make things right for him. I truly wanted to be the partner that he deserved because he is someone that I genuinely love. It's crazy to say it, but even as a closeted guy, I could see myself building a life/marriage/shared property with this guy over time. I legitimately love him that much. When I made the commitment to come out to family, I also committed that I was going to go to therapy to help relieve the anxiety and help me get to the place where I felt emboldened to tell them. He was supportive and hopeful and I felt like he 100% had my back and would be there for me even if I got the absolute worst reaction from my family. He didn't push me for a timeline, but he was clear that "I won't spend the holidays alone again." It took me a few months of therapy, but I felt ready. I was going to come out to my parents and have them meet this guy that I love, and then have the conversation with my children and my ex wife. I had been traveling for work for two weeks, and I came home committed to making it happen. My first stop, however, was a date night with this guy I love so much. During the course of dinner, we had a petty argument over something, and for reasons I still clearly don't understand, something trivial turned into a nasty heated argument, most of which I instigated. I said some really hateful and hurtful things to this person that I love, and I absolutely cut him down and insulted him on such a personal level and said some horrible things to him. Of course, in my heart, I really didn't mean these things. Not trying to make excuses, but I was coming up on a bit moment in my life, and I was still consumed with nervousness and anxiety over what I was planning to do. I didn't mean the hurtful things I said to him. I literally blew up in a fit of rage and the way I acted was unacceptable. He didn't speak to me until the next day, and we had lunch and I thought came to a place of peace, albeit both of us hurting. He has plans with friends that evening, and I was planning a dinner with family. During the family gathering, I did it. I came out to my parents. I told them that I had come to terms with myself in the wake of my divorce, that I was gay, and that there was someone very special in my life that I wanted them to know about. I was actually overwhelmed with support from them, and humbled by the love they showed me. I felt good. I texted my guy and told him I did it as soon as I got home. He came right over and sat with me while I cried out tears of relief and was exactly the support that I needed at that moment. Later that week, we were having dinner together with one of my oldest friends. Dinner turned into drinks at my place afterwards. My partner was very distant from me and acting stressed the whole time. He was planning on attending a big gathering of friends the next evening that he had invited me to, but I told him I probably wasn't going to be able to go because I had my children. When I was able to work it out and have my children taken care of so I could go with him, he seemed to retreat and act like he didn't want me to go. This was a big deal, because he has characterized this group of friends as his "family." He even at one point told me, "you can be a part of my extended family when I can be a part of yours." That was fair, I felt, because I was keeping him a secret from my family for so long. But here he was back-peddling, and I felt like he was disinviting me from a gathering that he had initially wanted me to go with him to, and that I was looking forward to. I had just taken this big step of coming out to my parents, and although I felt relief from that, I felt less secure in the relationship because of events that took place later in the week. I was fragile in that moment. This whirlwind of feelings and excess alcohol that evening was a volatile mix. We started arguing over the issue once we were alone, and I was again right back to the place where I wasn't thinking rationally, and I said some very hateful and hurtful things to him. He left my kitchen to go to the bathroom, and when he was gone, I smacked a beer bottle that went flying across the room. We argued some more and he accused me of getting physically aggressive and throwing stuff. He left my place and as he was pulling away, I was so enraged I kicked his car. Honestly...I'm not a physically violent person. I have no history of that, and I can't explain why I did these things. All I know is that I felt like I had made BIG strides that week with something that had given me decades worth of anxiety, and I felt like he was pulling away from me and abandoning me when I needed him the most. I couldn't deal with it and I wasn't myself. After he left, I called him on FaceTime multiple times and said some really horrible things to him out of anger. He got his licks in and said some equally horrible things to me. He was emphatic that the relationship was over because of my physical aggression and my verbal abuse. To be fair, I was physically aggressive and I did say some really horrible things to him that I regret deeply. This happened 3 weeks ago. Since that time, we've exchanged letters and text messages. I feel like his heart has started to perhaps soften a bit, but he still speaks as though there's little hope to salvage the relationship. He said he feels like he'll just get hurt again. I've been apologetic and have been sincere. I literally feel like there's a gaping hole in my world right now, and I'm not coping too well. I'm heartbroken, regretful, and overwhelmed with sadness both from my own actions and from losing someone I love so deeply. In some of our interactions, he's suggested that he's open to meeting and talking, and has even been open to my suggestion to have a therapist mediate some reconciliation between the two of us. He's deeply hurt also, and I know that for a fact. He's said he's felt like there's been a weight on his chest ever since the last incident. We're both so wounded right now, and I 100% take ownership of my actions and how bad I was to him. I want so badly to make this right and to rebuild a relationship with him, but I don't know how to make that happen right now. Not only am I heartbroken, but I'm also let down that I invested so much emotional capital into coming out to my family, only to lose him when I was trying to hard to make it right. The holidays make this extra depressing. I was so looking forward to spending the holidays with him and having him as a part of my family and finally for the first time living my life openly and authentically. Something I was working so hard towards for now suddenly feels out of reach and it's heart breaking. I'm literally at my lowest point in life ever. Darkest place I've ever gone to. Anyone ever been through something like this and bounced back? Sorry for the ridiculously long thread, but if you made it this far, I thank you.
@daytonav8r “Something I was working so hard towards for now suddenly feels out of reach and it’s heart breaking. I’m literally at my lowest point in life ever. Darkest place I’ve ever gone to.” Yes, I have been there. Yes, you will bounce back. Yes, it takes a lot. I’m still working through my situation one day at a time, since January 26, 2020, heartbroken over a guy I love. Give yourself time.
Everything you wrote reveals how upset you are, but I cannot pretend that it will be easy to repair the damage. It's going to take a lot of hard work, perseverance and genuine contrition from you and even then it may come to nothing. I'm afraid I can't sugar coat that fact. I have to say that fits of rage and signs of aggression in a relationship are huge red flags for many people and by your own admission, you have demonstrated all of these things to the person you love. Heated arguments with spiteful remarks begin to undermine confidence and when that's followed up with beer bottles crashing across the room and cars being kicked in temper, trust ebbs away too - and then you have a really big problem. Even though it was all out of character and most likely precipitated by hugely stressful events, you must accept the reality of what happened and take primary responsibility for repairing the damage inflicted and you have to go beyond mere regret and a wish to make amends. I say none of this to pile on more hurt, but to highlight the seriousness of what you are up against and give you the best chance of pulling things back. It is important to keep the communication channels open. All too often in these situations people decide to leave time and space, hoping that some miraculous healing will take place amid the silence and the injured party will forgive and forget. That never happens. Silence doesn't persuade anyone of an intention to change or offer unmistakable signs of commitment to heal wounds. If you haven't already done so, I would ask him how he's feeling about you, about everything that's happened between the two of you, about the events that led to you parting. What did it all mean to him? Be present, really listen to his responses and be sure to empathise, rather than defend. Be truly affected by what he tells you and use it all to take intentional corrective action. Make sure he knows it too! In other words, prove to him that that you are truly contrite (can't stress this word enough), will labour for his love and do everything in your power to make things better than before the damage occurred, and yes, it will require you to go the extra mile with coming out and being fully authentic about your sexuality. On some level, I imagine the stress of having to (maybe feeling forced to?) confront all of this stuff about your sexuality and cast off so much baggage in a relatively short period of time provoked the anger and bitterness that ultimately boiled over in those heated arguments... but now isn't the time to use that as a defence. If he is open to the idea of working with a relationship therapist, go for it! During that process you will both need to be attentive and vulnerable and it could open the door to genuine healing and understanding. It's a positive sign that he is willing to entertain the idea, but please understand that it's a process that will deliver no quick fixes. Ultimately, it's the love you have for him that will restore things to a positive place, but it's going to take time and a lot of effort. Keep the communication going and put in the hard work. It's the only way.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I think an important thing to ask yourself is if you are ok living in this world as an openly gay man without this person. My impression is that the desire/need to come out was very much wrapped up in your relationship, rather than something you were consciously and willingly choosing for your life. Is it possible that you were not comfortable coming out yet and that you did it to make him happy, which has led to resentment and despair at the thought of having done this huge task for someone that might not end up staying in your life? I think the way forward right now is to really think about where you stand with your sexuality without him in the picture. I am not saying you guys shouldn’t be together, I am just encouraging you to focus on your own journey, and if that means pumping the brakes on the relationship for the time being then maybe you can look at this as an opportunity for personal discovery and growth. I would like to add that I think love is something very precious that is worth cultivating and holding on to, but what’s missing from the equation I think may be your own self love that will empower you to be more present and committed in the relationship. Perhaps individual therapy would be a good start in that direction. Thank you again for being so vulnerable and honest with us, because that right there is a vital first step in understanding where things may have gone wrong and how to bring things hopefully back to center. Best of luck to you.
Thank you all for your kind words. I greatly appreciate it. @old tacoma -thank you for your words of encouragement, my friend. I was reading a bit about your story and you certainly do understand the struggle. Thank you. @PatrickUK-I wrote to you privately and I very much appreciate your kind words. You are quite right in stating that genuine contrition will be the key here. And you're also very right that now isn't the time to analyze the root cause of my reactions and use them as a defense. My reactions and my hurtful words weren't acceptable at all, and I do need to continue to work on myself in that regard. In the meantime, I do need to listen and empathize and be considerate of his feelings in these moments and make every effort to show him that this isn't the person that I am at my core. @mlansing--You posit a very interesting question and one I hadn't directly considered until now. Despite coming out to my friends and family, am I reallyy that secure in myself and that comfortable being openly gay, even without this person? I really don't have an answer to that, but it's something that I'll certainly contemplate in the coming days. I do know for a fact that I love this person and want this person in my life and that loving him was no doubt the impetus for me to come out and be honest about my sexuality in the ways I have thus far. Spending time on myself is still in order here, you're right. As an update of sorts, I finally saw him last night. I'd been traveling for work for two weeks and when I arrived home last night, I texted him. We were exchanging small talk via text, and although I was hesitant to say so, I told him that I was wanted to see him and hug him so badly. No talking..just hold him. I didn't want to argue or talk about how I was feeling or how sorry I was...none of that. I just wanted a long embrace. He said he thought that would be okay, but wanted me to respect boundaries, and he asked me to be respectful and politely excuse myself if I noticed that he was becoming uncomfortable or anxious. I agreed to that and drove to his apartment. What followed was a looong embrace and the relief I felt of his warmth next to me that I'd been so desperately missing for the last three weeks. He offered a glass of wine, and we cuddled on his sofa, sipped some wine, and just enjoyed being together without talking about the things that had hurt us both so badly. We fell asleep together, and as I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and made my way to the door, he told me that he still loved me. I don't know where things go from here, but I'm more hopeful that healing can be achieved now than I was when I wrote my initial post. We're having dinner tonight, and he said he felt like he was finally ready to talk. We'll see what happens.... Thank you all again for your words of encouragement and your advice. I greatly appreciate it.
@mlansing Thank you for your reply to @daytonav8r above. You pose a hugely important question for me, “I think an important thing to ask yourself is if you are ok living in this world as an openly gay man without this person. My impression is that the desire/need to come out was very much wrapped up in your relationship, rather than something you were consciously and willingly choosing for your life.” As of today, I don’t yet know the definitive answer. I’m still sorting myself out.
@daytonav8r I just read your update above, and started to cry... it is wonderful news! My very best wishes for you!
I am glad that question resonated with you, and it’s ok to not know the answer. This took me years to feel settled with. Best of luck as you sort it all out.
Love is a very precious thing and we need to hold it gently and cherish it greatly when we have it. Best of luck in trying to bring things together. Hope the advice you have received in this thread is useful in that process.
