1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Have I just tricked myself into this confusion? Is there any way to know for sure?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by skloorrpt, Feb 8, 2024.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. skloorrpt

    skloorrpt
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    168
    Likes Received:
    43
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I thought about posting this anonymously, but I figured I shouldn't.

    Is it possible to trick yourself into thinking you're trans? It sounds a little ridiculous to ask, but I still think I might just be a confused cis person. I've been thinking about this for a couple years now, but the last few months it's kind of been driving me crazy. I'm getting really sick of not knowing. If I'm trans I just want to know so I can do something about it.

    I used to be pretty transphobic and I think I've gotten over a lot of that, but I still have a lot of internalized transphobia and a lot of work to do. My best friend told me that they're NB around two years ago and ever since then I've been wondering if my own gender identity is something I should put more thought into. I think I might be NB as well, or maybe even a trans woman, but I don't really feel the need to transition or even tell people that at the moment. I'm leaning towards NB, I guess that's probably how I'd identify now, but I'd never tell anyone else that other than my friend. I've had a curiosity about being a woman that started in middle school. I didn't think it was possible for me to be a woman, so I put it out of my mind for years and didn't think about it much until my friend came out.

    I don't think I really like that masculinity is just expected of me by default. I don't really hate feeling masculine sometimes, but if I could restart life I don't think I'd choose to be a man. I don't necessarily know that I'd choose to be a woman either. I think I'd maybe choose to be AFAB, but still feel kind of non-binary. If I woke up tomorrow as a woman I'd be a little excited honestly, but I don't know if I would like to permanently be a woman. It doesn't seem possible for people to see me as a woman anyways, especially people who've always known me as a man. It just feels like some kind of unrealistic delusional fantasy. It doesn't even feel possible for me to see myself as a woman. I guess maybe sometimes I feel more feminine, but it just feels like this silly little thing I do in the privacy of my apartment.

    I know I could transition, but it just seems like too much work and it sounds terrifying. It also feels like a bad idea to jump into something like that with how uncertain I am. The thing is that I'm worried if I don't at least try I'll grow older and wonder what my life could have been like if I did. I have some curiosities about HRT, which probably isn't something a cis person would be even a little curious about, but I wouldn't even know where to begin with that.

    I don't really care about or like myself very much right now, but I'm not sure it has anything to do with my gender. Maybe I just need to learn to like myself as a man? Maybe I just need to figure out what my passions and goals for life are? Maybe I just need friends? I basically don't have any at the moment other than the one I mentioned earlier, but they are also my romantic partner which complicates things. I've been feeling depressed and anxious and it's only gotten worse in the last few years. Could any of that be contributing to the confusion about my gender identity? Maybe if I learned to like myself this confusion would go away?

    I worry that I'm at the point where I can't really make any more progress on my own. When it starts to get me down I usually just end up getting drunk and then making posts like this one over and over. That's what I'm doing right now. I've been considering therapy, but I'm not sure how to find a therapist that can help with this. Lets say I do and then I realize I'm trans. The idea that could happen scares me, it makes this all feel a little too real. I also don't really know what I can afford for therapy. Like I said, I also feel like I have other issues I feel like I should be focusing on more so maybe I shouldn't look for a therapist that specializes in gender anyways. I realize that from the outside none of this makes me sound like a cis person, but I just can't accept that I might not be.
     
    #1 skloorrpt, Feb 8, 2024
  2. Rayland

    Rayland
    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    2,205
    Likes Received:
    1,677
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think everything you've written down is quite evident of who you are. You are wondering about wanting to transition and you already were thinking about it all, even before when your friend came out to you, what was a trigger.

    I can understand though. I always doubt, even now, when I'm getting close to really start my journey and trying to break the gender norms.

    It is all very scary, but it's important to have some sort of support system in place, what also EC can be.
     
    #2 Rayland, Feb 9, 2024
  3. chicodeoro

    chicodeoro
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    861
    Likes Received:
    966
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I'm not surprised you're confused skloorrpt, reading your post left me utterly confused. I can't imagine that it's like to live that for real.

    It sounds to me as if the intense NOISE there is about all things trans in the media, in the cultural ether, ever present in the 2020s isn't just out there, but is in your head 24/7 SHOUTING, DEMANDING, IMPOSING itself.

    You need some quiet, to think, to listen, really listen to yourself.

    I think that is a very good idea. You need help - trained help - beyond what we can provide here on EC, to separate what's real and what's not and, above all, to filter out all that noise.

    Good luck!
    Beth x
     
    #3 chicodeoro, Feb 9, 2024
    Omnis Leevene and Rayland like this.
  4. Chillton

    Chillton
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2023
    Messages:
    294
    Likes Received:
    309
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    When I was growing up many people forced high expectations upon me and expectations of becoming a strong stereotypical man. They told me who and what I should be, but never taught or showed me how to achieve those goals and ideals. So Ultimately I shut down and disappointed them every time. So their solution was to double down and overcompensate by showing tough love and punishments for the crime of existing. I grew up hating myself and my gender. I was ashamed of my sexuality and I wasn't a "Real Man". Once I became an adult, I realized what matters is the person you want to become. Not the Man or woman society expects you to be. The labels I have are just tools that help me, but they never will 100% encompass who I am.

    I think you're asking too many questions of yourself all at once. It would be overwhelming for anyone. Break it down and handle one issue at a time. It's like trying to solve all the problems in a math textbook at one time. You have to solve the problems cover to cover with time. It's OK to not have a starting point or unsure where the goal may lie. Sometimes when you start a journey or a project you have no clue, but you have to try and start somewhere. while doing so sometimes you'll hit dead ends, have to backtrack, restart certain milestones, or go down a different route altogether, but that is just the magic of the process. Just keep moving for the sake of moving and change and adapt when needed. It's good to have goals and know where you're headed, but you also have to explore life and figure it out as you go.

    So I would start out trying to show yourself some love, kindness, and grace. By doing that you can learn to love and accept yourself right now. Then you can apply that moving forward and love the person you can become. You have a handle on all your issues and where they may lead. Now just break it down and work through them one by one. I know it's a jumbled mess in your head, but work towards small steps - small goals, that will slowly accrue and show results.
     
    #4 Chillton, Feb 9, 2024
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2024
  5. JT1999

    JT1999
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2015
    Messages:
    654
    Likes Received:
    378
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think growing up and being a man must be harder in the 2020s than in previous years. I think there's something of a lack of good role models and lack of direction. Which is why we see people like Andrew Tate becoming so popular, because even if they're a bad role model, he is at least giving his followers a clear direction and focus. In a way he has identified a huge gap in the market.

    I can't really give any insight into gender questioning, it isn't something I've ever had questioning about. But I will say in general that people NEED purpose. You said it yourself, you need passions and goals. Maybe you should work on that first and see how things go with your mental health afterwards? Like, try and set aside the "am I cis, am I trans?" question and focus on other things, in the hope that in the future you have more mental clarity and are in a better place to answer that question. Also, I know I bang on about it but you would be amazed what a clean diet, plenty of exercise and no alcohol/weed does for your state of mind.
     
    #5 JT1999, Feb 9, 2024
    chicodeoro and Chillton like this.
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)