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Gay man remaining friends with ex-girlfriend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by golfer11, Aug 28, 2022.

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  1. golfer11

    golfer11
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    Hello,
    I just recently came out to my girlfriend and broke up with her because I just found out I was gay, and I knew I wouldn't be able to reciprocate her feelings of love for me any longer. We had been dating around 6 months.

    Now, I'm wondering how I navigate the future with this girl? I want to remain friends with her and be a part of her life, but I also want what's best for her - she needs to be able to heal from this loss, and I'm worried that I may prolong her healing if I remain a large part of her life - either immediately or long-term after the breakup

    It gets more complicated...She has a history of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. She has bad abandonment issues as well. On top of that, she has no close friends or family that she can count on to help her through this process. She is truly alone without me. I've been seriously concerned with her mental health and safety these past days and have been there to support her (I also want to be there to support her). So in essence, it's been more of a "soft" breakup, where I am still present and there for her but also I don't know what's truly best. She is getting mental health help soon, but I'm still very lost as to how to manage spending time with her.

    Is there a future for a friendship with this girl who is in love with me? Considering the context of my situation I think the best thing is for me to be present in her life (much like a friend would), but I'm struggling with the fact that at the same time this might make it harder for her to heal?

    Does anyone have similar experiences like this or advice that they would be willing to share?
     
    #1 golfer11, Aug 28, 2022
  2. bsg75apollo

    bsg75apollo
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    I think that it might be a good idea to schedule an appointment with a therapist who specializes in relationships. You'd probably only need a single appointment, maybe two, to get some valuable tips.
     
    #2 bsg75apollo, Aug 28, 2022
  3. BiGemini87

    BiGemini87
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    This is definitely a tough call, and I can see why you're struggling: if I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking much the same. On one hand, you don't want to outright abandon her, because this is difficult for you both. But on the other hand, being around her too much might instill her with a false sense of hope.

    I think the only thing you can do really is try to achieve a balance. Moderate how much time you spend together and the context of that time; don't give in to the urge to hold her the way you would have when you were still together. I'm not saying you can't hug her or put a consolatory hand on her shoulder or anything--just that you need to be mindful of how you interact and above all, to vocalize your intentions so that there can be no mix-ups.

    How has she taken things? Was she angry with you, or just sad? Did she understand (or at least seem to) that you made this choice not only because you can't live a lie, but because you couldn't put her through that, either?

    I agree that therapy or counselling of some kind would be of benefit, if you can swing it. Otherwise, just do your best to let her know you are here for her as a friend and will do what you can to make it easier on her, but that there's no hope of anything beyond friendship.

    It's a tricky situation all around and sadly, I know there are no easy solutions. I just hope what I've said proves to be of some help.
     
    #3 BiGemini87, Aug 31, 2022
    golfer11 likes this.
  4. golfer11

    golfer11
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    I agree about trying to achieve some semblance of balance. And I'll admit that I still struggle not giving into the urges of how we used to interact.

    I'd say she has not taken this well. She has accepted that I'm gay, but experienced all ranges of emotion since then. She was already mentally unstable before I met her, but now things seem to be spiraling. Not that I am in the business of comparing hardships, because each of us are in a terrible situation, but I don't think that she will ever be able to understand how difficult this is for me as well. Right now I'm mainly focused on trying to keep her from doing anything rash, as her suicidal tendencies and acting out have gotten worse.

    I will try and remain friends with her and try to help her as I can but I also need to start prioritizing myself and looking into my own therapy. It just feels like an all around crap situation and I'm trying my best to help us both out.
     
    #4 golfer11, Sep 4, 2022
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