Finally accepting

I think I may be in a similar place. I’m finally starting to accept that I am in fact gay, but still working up the courage to come out. It’s not easy, as I know I’m going to be blowing up my life as it currently stands.

 

Same here, and I know it will hurt my wife. But it will also free her to find a partner who can provide her the physical intimacy that I can no longer perform. I also know the freedom to be my true self will be worth it, I’m just not sure how to get there.

 

Hey guys since you both are in similar situations I thought I would respond . I am now 62 married to woman and been out to her for more than 5years. But before there are lots of congrats etc I want to give u context . She discovered I was sleeping with guys in Sept 2016 and finally confronted me in Jan 2017. I was trying to get the courage to tell her because it was very apparent to me it was time , she did nothing wrong and I could not hide this secret any longer . I been sleeping with guys since around 2007 and my wife and I had not been intimate since 2011 (she really was never really sexual, yet still ver attractive in shape etc). I have to say it was a massive relief when I could finally be open and honest . We made the choice to accept our marriage ended as we knew it but we get along great and are great friends , have three daughters (2 are married and one has our grand daughter of 1 and half year old), so fast forward here we are almost 6 years since discovery , still together and we sort of live a life of no longer really talking about it . Needless to say can’t say it’s perfect at all but it works for most part . My personal experience is that if I could
Do one thing g over is I would have come out to her before she found out. Would still be hard but I felt it was really not great the way she found out from a text from a gay buddy to me she saw on my phone . There is a group called HOW Husbands out to wives which really was great for me to help us Thru our MOM Mixed orientation marriage . Hope this gives you some insight .

 

We don’t have any children and I expect that will make things at least somewhat easier. Beyond that I’m not sure, but it helps to hear your story Mj, thank you for sharing!

 

I’ve been married for seventeen years, and that seems like a big mountain to climb, I scant imagine what thirty must feel like!

I’ve been trying to make at least one step each week towards the door. Like last week, I changed my direct deposit to go to a separate account. This week I’ve started looking for apartments locally.

 

It became difficult to continue lying to myself about my sexuality when the only way I could perform at all was thinking about sex with men, and even that was weak and never went as far as she wanted.

 

I’ve not even been able to go any further than mutual oral for several years, I just don’t think I could make it through that. Frankly, it’s just such a turn off.

 

@Nealg The fact that you've reached this point in your life speaks volumes. Given your marriage, there's no doubt in my mind that this is going to be difficult all around; emotionally, psychologically, even in a physical sense--for while you haven't particularly enjoyed sexual intimacy, this is the woman you've been with for a long time and have undoubtedly formed a strong bond with. Even if said bond is not romantic.

However hard it might be, you should be proud of yourself for finally reaching this point in your journey, and no matter how much further you need to go, you've already taken one of the most important steps.

 

It is indeed tough coming out later in life and married. Gay doesn’t disappear because we would like it to. Frankly it gets harder to pretend until you are so unhappy and sexually frustrated. Splitting up allows both parties to find emotional and sexual satisfaction that neither can provide the other. Not saying splitting is easy but in the end it is the only real option. Living a lie for the rest of your life can only lead to misery. For me once I acknowledged being gay even trying to think about another male didn’t help. I just wanted out. Gay for me is so right , so emotionally and sexually pleasurable and right.

 

I think it's great you're acknowledging how you're feeling. It's always a struggle coming out but definitely something that's harder the older you are, and something you should be proud of. Hope it goes well for the both of you, and remember that it doesn't invalidate your choices in the past, you made those for good reasons.