Figured out I'm gay at 26 and frustrated it took so long

This thread strikes a chord with me as well. I've dated guys, but never felt anything. In fact, kissing guys always left me feeling so meh. So...ok I can claim having kissed someone, but it just doesn't really count since I was totally not into it one bit, and never liked any of the guys I kissed anyway :eusa_doh:

I'd count a first kiss as something that felt like fireworks, or at least felt good, and was with someone you liked. I've never had that.

I just turned 27. I am not out yet, but I hope that will change soon, seeing as how NOTHING has changed since I came out of my denial about a year ago, and like the original poster I'm getting super frustrated over regretting lost time.

So this is to say I relate, although maybe not an identical situation. I kind of knew when I was in my teens, but I just shoved it to the back of my mind. Being Christian doesn't help, but I think I can somehow reconcile the two. I've done a lot of reading on that. I always crushed on girls, but put it off as just thinking they were cool or wanting to be their friend. It was not always overtly sexual. I always thought I was waiting for the right guy, and that I was just really picky or something.

But looking back, I think I always knew. I had a super intense paranoia about people thinking I was gay. That paranoia continues today as a big fear of coming out. Thankfully I have made some progress in that I really don't care that much if people suspect I'm gay. I almost want them to at this point since I'm on that cusp of wanting to just come out and get the whole farking thing over with and move on with my life and actually have some romantic experiences.

 

I'm in the same boat. I realised I was gay at 15-16 but I'm now 25 and have only just come to terms with it. I'm happy with my sexuality and who I am but I'm so upset and bitter that I've missed out on 8-9years of experiences. :icon_sad:

On the plus side, I've met a great guy online who's very much like me, we've been chatting for ages now and we're finally planning a meetup.

I can't really offer you any advice Tocotronic, only that yes, it sucks that we've wasted so much time, and you will feel bad about it but there's nothing you can do, just try to accept it as best you can and move on with your life.

 

don't beat yourself up too bad, I was 27 before I came out to myself. Make the time you have now mean something.

 

You are so not alone my friend. While I knew as a kid - I repressed it until my early 30s. It then took another 3 or 4 years to accept it myself. So you got me beat - accepting it at 26.
In retrospect our love of underwear ads really should have been our first clue!

 

Ha! Yep.

But yeah, pretty much right there with you bud. I think a plus is that at our age, you're typically more mature. It's helped me figure out what I want and go for it. Which so far has been great. But then again, I've only been doing this for two weeks. It's all a journey friend, we each walk at a different pace. Just know you're not alone in it.

 

You know, I realized I was gay at 16 and came out soon after. To you, that seems really early and wonderful. But at the time, being in my last year of high school, I felt exactly you do now: so behind everyone. I knew people that had come out at 13, 14, etc., had boyfriends in high school, and so on. My point is, you'll always find people that came out earlier, but there'll always be some who came out later.

Plus, you'd think in my (almost) four years of being out, I would have had amazing opportunities and love and wild sex and all I haven't. No relationship, one mediocre encounter. So it's not necessarily all fun and games for those us that come out early. Of course, I feel so much better since I came out and my life is incredibly fulfilling in other areas.

So don't feel like you've missed out on too much. You've realized it now and you have your whole life in front of you!

 

Hi...first off congratulations on coming out! That really is a big deal. I read your post and I felt the need to share a bit of my story, much of which is similar to yours.

I've known I was gay since I was a teenager but I fought it. I was always curious about what other guys my aged looked like (with no clothes on). When I was 16, I was in an airport with my family and there was this guy, not much older then me there as well, and I could not take my eyes off of him. He was gorgeous. And right then that curiosity became a fact that I buried and concealed for almost a decade.

I could say that it was a strict religious upbringing, or my family's intolerance toward homosexuals that made me hide, but neither of those things are true. I was not raised in religion and my family is, for the most part, tolerant. The fact is: I did not want to be gay.

I avoided relationships. I never had a girlfriend. I didn't have sex, and honestly I never even kissed anyone because I knew I wouldn't be able to perform if things became serious. Those 9 years were extremely lonely and frustrating. But I still never considered coming out. My plan was to stay single my entire life. But one night, last november, that all changed. I just got sick of being alone, of feeling like I had no one I could talk to, and I finally admitted to myself that I had to make a change. And a few months later I came out to my friend, and I've been out to my family for about 2 months.

When I read your post I felt as if I were speaking. I totally get what you mean about being jealous and frustrated with yourself for taking so long. I feel the exact same way every single day. I always ask myself, "why the hell didn't you do this sooner?" and when I see gay couples I get pissed because at the age of 25 I feel like I missed the boat. And honestly I have missed a lot of things, I missed being in relationships, sex, and just connecting with another person. And it annoys the shit out of me, but there comes a point where you just have to say, "I fucked up but now it's time to move on." And that what I've been trying to do. Were we a bit older then when a lot of guys come out? Sure. But we're not old at all. And there is still a lot of good shit to look forward to. I can't say if that resentment with yourself will ever go away. But you need to accept how things are, learn from your mistakes, move on, and live the life you want to live from now on.

 

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time ever blogging, and while cruising the internet this evening, I came across this blog and after reading your story "tocotronic," I was inspired to reply...so I registered on this site.

I suppose I am on here to vent as well and maybe get some feedback and support from people in my situation and offer my thoughts and feelings, and possibly help some of you as well.

Anyway, it was comforting to read your story as it let me know that there are other guys out there who know exactly what I've been through and still going through. I really respect how honest and up front you were with your feelings while I was reading your post. In many respects, I know exactly how you feel.

I first realized I was gay on the very first day of my freshman year of high school...but at the time I didn't have a complete meaning on what I was yet...I just knew that I was unbelievably attracted to a guy I saw on the first day of school, and he was all I thought about for weeks. But even though I knew I was gay early on in contrast to yourself, I never acted on it, and tried to put it out of my mind while pretending to be straight and attracted to girls. So like you said about being jealous, I also feel very jealous of guys who've had sexual encounters and relationships and what not. It's something I've never had...I feel like I've completely missed out on my teenage years, and I'm actually really mad at myself for not having the courage to pursue guys I have liked over the years. I have deep regret for that. And the fact that I'm 24 now and have never had a relationship, and very little sexual experience, makes me feel pathetic...and embarrassed, and ashamed. I feel like a total loser since I never got to express my love/romance for nor be loved by another guy. I feel totally empty and terribly lonely.

Even though I am gay, the idea of getting sexual with another guy also makes me uneasy and repulsed, which I don't really understand...internalized homophobia I guess.

I have much more to say, but it's getting late and I need to go to sleep. But I am just a regular guy who's life up to this point sounds a lot like what you've been through. And believe me, there are tons of guys out there in our situation. I've come across many over the last few years. So hang in there and do what you need to do to be happy or at least start working on it. One more thing before I go...you mentioned that you still haven't told your parents. I did come out to my parents, about 2 years ago. I was terrified about telling them and was picturing this huge dramatic disaster, thinking they would hate me for being gay...but it was very anti-climactic. They really didn't react at all. They just said "oh ok, is that what it is? We knew something big was bothering you." That was it. No big deal.

I look forward to hearing from you as well as anyone else who has thoughts/questions/comments on my first post on a blog. There are a lot of posts on here, and I am eager to read them.

 

Welcome to EC, chazz!

First off, just to clear up some terminology. Where you posted is technically part of the "forums" or the "messageboards". A "blog" is more of a diary or personal journal, albeit one that people can comment on. If you click on the "blog entries" under my name there, you can see a couple that I made. They're not utterly unrelated, but they're not precisely the same thing. Just thought I'd clear that up for you real quick.

As for what you posted, I think you've summed yourself up pretty well. My advice to you would basically be the same I gave the OP (the original poster). Keep your eyes forward. Don't worry about "time wasted". The worst time is time wasted in regret. Keep working on moving ahead. I'd also suggest perhaps befriending some gay people. Right now, sex with another guy is probably a very hypothetical thing that seems foreign and bizarre. But once you start getting to know some people, it tends to seem less "clinical". You might click with a couple guys, and think "Yeah, I could see kissing/going to bed with someone like that".

Oh, and my mom's from Harrisburg. Representin'.

Lex

 

I can totally sympathize with feeling like this. I've known I am a girl since I was 10 & that my body is wrong, & about 14 that I was gay when I started crushing on other girls, but it took me until I was 35 to finally admit i couldn't keep lying to myself anymore about who I really was. I really wish I hadn't waited so long to be honest with myself, but I'm trying to just look at the life I have ahead of me at this point rather than live in too much regret. I honestly feel happier with myself for finally being honest with myself.

 

Your (the OP's) post struck a chord with me as well, as it mirrors my experience quite succinctly, except that I was older (33) when I "found out" I was gay.

As with you, I was in denial so deeply that I never admitted to myself that my attraction to guys meant that I was gay; that I too was just passing through a phase because I was weird; that I too would really be happy with a woman and one day get married and have kids. Through my 20s and early 30s, I never dated, never got with a woman, but was never openly questioned about it either. I blamed women for not asking me out because I was the shy one. I convinced myself that I was sexually attracted to women, but that they were denying me.

It wasn't until last year, after I had literally changed my life through some significant weight loss that I began to face this whole issue head on. Within a month of acknowledging to myself that I was gay, I had told my mom, my dad, some other relatives, and some co-workers... Just this year, I've been in a relationship -- my first -- with a guy. We've been dating for 5 months, and things are great between us.

Anyway, to get to your concern, my boyfriend and I are the same age. He's been out since 19, I was out at 33. He has dating and sexual experience, where I do not. Does it concern me? Not anymore, but it sure did at the start. But we talked about it. I was right out there with my own coming out experience, and all the feelings wrapped up in it. The fact is, I always knew I was gay (even though I never would have admitted it at any point in my life). To say otherwise is just denial. I just wasn't ready to accept it, so I know accept that I've let the past 15 date-able years pass me by. Regrets? A bit, but it will pass. As we've progressed further into the relationship, I've become far less self-conscious about my past. I've just become myself. Not some gay guy, nor some stereotype, nor some insecure loser. It's just the real me now, and it feels great. So to the OP, I think time and some experience will heal your insecurities, as they have mine.

 

One thought is that maybe while you were in college your mind was preoccupied with your studies. And it is only now after you have left and life is a bit more relaxed that other aspects of your life have taken centre stage. In some ways that could be a good thing because you have probably got better qualifications.

I also came out when I was about 26 so I well know the feeling of wasted opportunities. And yes I do still get jealous of gay youngsters who are out, confident, with loads of friends and probably having a great time. But we can't change that so there is no point in wasting effort thinking about it.

You are only 10 years into your adult life, with at least another 50 ahead. So loads of time still!

 

well when i started to date guys or try to date is more like it..i was 30. it was scary. i felt so far behind in terms of dating in general and especially with guys. the people that i met would want to know if i was a top or bottom and i was very shy with all these terms. honestly i did not know. also, things seemed to move really fast with people and i never wanted them to move that fast so i would not do more than one or two dates because i chickened out. i was really hoping that i'd meet someone else my own age that also was at the same level but that hasn't happened yet because for the most part by 30s people have experimented or done what they are going to do. not to many people i have met were just now coming to terms with sexuality at this age altough i know they are out there. also, i felt like a grandpa because the people a lot of times were in their early to mid 20s. i was open to dating people my own age but they always seemed really old or unattractive like they had let theirselves go. its hard. i feel like i wasted time adn that the longer i pushed things off hte harder it was to try and feel comfortable. warning, i have noticed that i have had times of what some call the so-called gay adolescent reliving. basdically this is when you are older adn repressed and you go overboard because everything is new. please pace yourself and take your time. there's no rush.

 

yes i was oblivious to all these gay experimentation things until i start with with other gay people and they were doing all these experimentations when they were kids. who knew any of this sort of thing even happened as children. when i was a kid in elementary school, we just played and hung out and walked home from school. i guess because i didm't have many friends, i didn't go over any sleep overs or anything like that. but even when we played at each others homes alone nothing happened. as i am writing this, a memory just flashed back of a time when a kid i was playing with on my front porch made a pass at me. i think he touched me or something. i'm not sure. i blocked it out until now. i remember thinking he was gay and what he did was bad. it wasn't anything serious that i can remember. just something that other guys weren't supposed to do i guess. honestly you seem to be really into talking about hte missed time and things that happened or didn't happen when you were younger. do you think this is a way for you to focus on that and stay in a place of not moving forward?

---------- Post added 21st Jul 2011 at 05:25 PM ----------

oh, if you are feeling rushed, trust me. PUMP THE BRAKES. you have to do things when you are ready and not when he is. yes, sometimes we do need help and encouragement with moving past fears but that should feel more loving and encouraging that it should feel like being forced. if you ever hear this voice that says, "ok, i really dont want to do this but he is nice and i'll just do this because he wants to and i need to out of my rigid rut" then stop immediately. only do stuff when you feel ok with it because you are going to to feel worse afterwards.