Feeling like putting everything on the line...

Hey EC fam,

sorry for this long post, but I feel like this is where I can get it off my chest.

I don't know where to start, so I start at the beginning.

I lived a pretty cis het life up to a certain point in time...
I was always interested in girls, the only thing I noticed was that I felt more comfortable with LGBT+ people around me, than with "normal" people.
At school, I was more likely to find friends in people who were out gay or lesbian, but I never saw them as "different". They were the most caring and understanding people I ever met.
I still have more queer than "normal" friends.

However, I always took an interest in female clothing. Not in a fetish or sexualized way. But whenever I saw clothes, I thought "men... I wish us boys would be allowed to wear this."
Looking back, I always felt like I wasn't "just a boy". I took more interest in stereotypical girly things, like role plays, playing with dolls. That changed later on, when my best friend, who I grew up with, became more of a "gamer girl", and we ditched dolls for digital.

I also always felt more attracted to certain female fashion styles. During my "gothic phase", I always wished to wear those dresses, rather than the usual "suit and tie". I always felt more connected with this female type of clothing.
However, I never let it "take over", it was a part of me I acknowledged, but being an adolescent, puberting teenager, I thought "yeah, maybe that's just a phase and will go away."

It didn't.

It was always lingering beneath the surface, but being in a very strict (albeit NOT christian) family, there was no room to let it out, and when I did have the chance, I was afraid of repercussions.

Fast forward a few years, after I moved together with my then-girlfriend-now-wife. I met her through a mutual passion for the japanese culture. We both were part of the associated "geek fandom" with all its nuances, including "cosplay".

For those of you who have never been on a comic convention, it means that people dress up as their favorite characters from movie, tv, cinema and comics. More often than not, they portray characters from opposite sex.

It's more likely for girls to dress up as male characters, though, however, the opposite is not uncommon, because this peer group, or "community", is very open-minded and welcoming. It also seems that the ratio of LGBT+ vs. Non-LGBT+ people is far higher within this peer group compared to the "real life", which is really awesome!

It was at such a convention, that I wore female clothing for a longer period of time for the first time ever. It was a costume, sure, but it was distinct female clothing. A blouse, a skirt, and a blazer.
Many of you can understand when I say: gosh...it felt so right. I was like finally, the person I suppressed for all these years was allowed to step forward. My female side was finally unleashed.
It was also not just clothing, because I noticed that I showed certain mannerisms that were also distinctly female. It was as if a switch was flipped, and I leaned towards "female"

From that day on, I secretly considered myself "something between male and female, a balanced human being", and content in this. I never have, and still don't consider transitioning.
I although thought hard about me "just" being a crossdresser, but even when wearing normal clothes, there are certain aspects of my being that don't fit the picture of a crossdresser.
I make gestures that are untypical male, when I'm not mindful of it, my voice shifts in pitch to a point where I get adressed as "Mrs." on the telephone.
I often say that "my female side took over", which I feel is the most appropriate description: two souls in one body.
Oh and...I'm very emotional for a stereotypical "boy".... Show me a video about a dog being adopted from an animal shelter, and you better have a safety vest on, or you gonna drown.

So after some digging, and doing some tests online, I feel comfortable to identify myself as "bigender".

There are only a few persons who know this. The first time I openly stated my identity was in a WhatsApp group chat during an argument about whether the vocal fach "tenor" in a choir should still be labelled male if there were females in it (a situation we have in a choir I'm in, I'm like... the only male tenor?)

When being accused of being sexist (an argument I really like #sarcasm), I just said "You know what? I'm bigender, so I'm okay with using a female term to ease this situation. I feel addressed, too."

Boom. Without even thinking about any backlash, unpleasent or awkward questions, I blurted it out.
The reaction was: nothing. No one adressed the topic. Normally, I should be glad, right? "Hey...I'm... bigender...." "Oh, really? Well, tell me how I can support you, that's all I have to say."

Okay, maybe they thought it was just some fancy word the youth uses today like "lit" or "no front", but not even my wife to whom I'm married for 10 years, even inquired what that meant, how this would affect our relationship.

She just sorta brushed it off, like it was some witty remark or an expression used to say "Hey, I support feminism" or whatever...

And that really scares me.

Because I feel like... if I really lived the way I would want to live, would this damage our marriage? Because this is not the "me" she learned to love and the "me" she married?
All just because I discovered, or rather "pin pointed" this "me" after we were married for four years?
The most "female" I allow myself to be is with small things, like hand gestures, or a softer voice (and even then I get sort of ragged). The only female piece of clothing outside of costumes is a sweatshirt with mesh inlays, showing skin on shoulders and neck.

As of now, I am okay with letting my female self take over when in costume, but I often thought one step ahead, and created a complete look for myself wearing this "in real life".
Even when browsing through online stores, whenever I find a dress I would wear, I think of matching boots or whatever, to complete the look.

Of course, my wife is less than pleased with this...

I mean, I can understand her side of the story. Plus, she is already troubled with the death of her parents, our unfulfilled desire to have children, her job loss due to a mistreatment of a disc prolapse and the complications...

She is already in treatment for anxiety disorder and a mild depression.... I feel like, if I put her through the process of me letting my female side take over, that's it...

I tried to talk to her about it, but she felt like me being bigender was a precursor to me becoming transgender. A fear I was unable to lift even with sympathy for her situation.

So, I feel like putting everything on the line, with the option of losing everything when I force things to be the way I want them to be, and the only compromise I can find right now is the "Elsa" way: conceal, don't feel.

I suppress my "female side" as best as I can. Like I said, I let things slip from time to time, like walking with swaying hips, or my hand pose, or my voice sliding into female pitch, but that's all I'm gonna allow for now.

Two of my best friends invited me over to "let it out", but I'm afraid my wife will draw the wrong conclusions again, so I gave it a pass.

My biggest problem, which is actually quite sweet, is that I rather stay in this "suppressed" state than get divorced or anything like that. My relationship is more important than me being... well... me.
I don't see any other way to deal with this situation because I am scared about anything changing to the negative when I try and have an open word with my wife.

Anyway, thank you for reading up to this point.

Regards

Zero (or Rei, whatever you prefer, both mean the same in Japanese, but Rei is also a female name, so, I chose this)