I will start off that currently I am in the deepest depression I have ever had, I am unsure what is going on with me, have I been lying to myself all these years (26 now), is it some form of OCD? I grew up with little to no female friends, I had male friends but I am pretty sure I never really 'crushed' on them. Just platonic. My first sexual fantasies were with ~10 years, with girls but kinky. Ever since then I have only had fantasies with girls, only watched straight or lesbian porn, albeit also a bit kinky, sometimes with strap-on stuff. I tried gay porn but it was never to my tasting. I also had an extream crush on a girl in school when I was 13-18, like in one of those films where I would just sit in the back of the class and daydream about her all the while. Till this day I still have crushes on girls, but they seem unattainable. When I talk to a girl I like I get nervous, I am unable to intiate anything sexual, prefer getting friendzoned out of pure anxeity-relief. I also don't like being our getting touched. Although somehow I managed occationally to get one in drunken stuper. Of these with two I even formed relationships that went 1 year & 2 years. There were lots of ups and downs but in retrospect I do not think I was unhappy in them at large. Sex was good. Now the last relationship has fallen apart I feel like I lost my sexuality. I am good-looking and a few love interests have emerged, I blew them all away. Word in town is now that I am gay. Everyone independantly has come to the conclustion because I can't intiate a relationship or sex with a woman I most be gay. I don't like being touched and I don't like touching people. Now I am unsure. Was it really just all anxeity or was it anxeity because really I am gay? At first I brushed it off. But I feel like pressure is mounting on me to come out. Since I am in such a deep depresstion I find it impossibe to really tell. I retreat to men when I get depressed because I find they give me more hold. Now I am finding that I am so activly seeking them out it no longer seems platonic anymore. They are even giving me a 'warm' feeling. bundled with the fact that I feel no sexual attraction at all anymore. I have even started identifing myself as possibly gay due to this. But I am unsure if it is all due to a fuck ton of confustion. It is scary. How can everything I ever hoped shift like this. I am even thinking about living a gay lifestyle just so I don't have to fight through the anxeity with women anymore, even if it is possibly not my orientation, or on the wrong side of some kind of bi-sexuality. Please help.
