Emergence

As a quick recap for those who don't know me: Early in 2005, I first became aware of the fact that I liked men as well as women. At first, I rejected this attraction, and soon started to grow a beard in an effort to become more manly. It took a good year and a half for me to realize that there was no denying it, no fighting it. I'm not heterosexual, and I need to deal with it. Still, it took until early this year for me to really accept the fact that I'm bisexual, although I'm still not entirely comfortable with the idea, and continue to learn just how interested I am in either gender as the days pass.

I'm presently closeted, but I aim to change that. Soon.

I've sought advice here, and everybody has been extremely supportive. I was absolutely shocked to discover how kind you people are. I've never, ever before in my life met anyone who cared as much as you people do, and I am infinately grateful for it. You've helped me to figure things out, and to be more comfortable with myself. Now, I'm about to take a big step...perhaps the biggest step. I aim to open the closet door, this weekend.

It's kind of soon, and believe me, I've kind of taken myself off guard with this, but you know what? Without a deadline, it's never going to happen, and as it stands, there is absolutely no reason for me to wait any longer. Nothing can be gained by further delay. I might as well dive into the cold water, right?

I'm very nervous, and while I know who I'll be coming out to, I don't quite know how yet. This is very exciting, and yet scary at the same time...but I'm going to do it! I will! This Sunday ^^

 

Hold me up to it, guys! ^^`` don't let me chicken out of this one! I'm kind of forcing myself into this, the vote barely passed in my neurological senate but again, if I don't do it this way, I can't say for certain that I'll ever come out, heh.

 

It's completely unbelievable that I'm coming out tomorrow. Tomorrow! Since my decision, I haven't just had second thoughts, I've had third, fourth, fifth and so on! I'm trying really hard to keep myself on track with this, and I can be pretty bull-headed at times, but as it stands, I don't know what'll happen! Will I do it? Will I be able to overpower my fear?

Honestly, I just don't know.

 

Heh, as I'd feared, the person I wanted to come out to will not be available this sunday, so I'll have to use my bac-up person.

See this evening, I got back from seeing Disturbia (awesome movie, by the way), and receive a phone call within minutes of walking through the door. It's the friend I'd planned on coming out to, and he wanted to hang out. My first thought is that I could come out to him today, but I decide that if I'm going to be seeing him tomorrow anyway, I might as well wait.

We went to the bar, then returned and watched some western he brought (I was a bit tipsy, so I couldn't follow the plot very well)...all in all, a good, fun night ^^ but then, as he's leaving, he tells me, "I'm not going to be able to hang out tomorrow."
>.<

But like I said, I have a back-up plan. I'll have to wait until later in the night to come out to him, since he gets out of work late, but it'll still happen ^^

It had better, or else I'll never forgive myself, heh.

 

I called my friend this afternoon to see if we were still hanging out, and he had to cancel

So I'll have to wait another day...Monday night this time. That'll make the work day fun...

I was so nervous when I woke up this morning, but I really felt ready, you know? Like, I was finally certain that this was the right time. Well, I guess it's only one more day, right? And to the best of my knowlegde, both friends I want to come out to will be there, so I have until Monday night to decide which one I want to talk to ^^

Sorry for you guys who were expecting a story tonight ; ; I promise, after this many setbacks, I won't stray from my course!

 

My shift's over, and I'm just waiting for my ride to finish up his last call for the day. After we leave, it's a 45 minute drive home, and I'll be dropped off at my friend's house.

Aaaaand, then I'm coming out to him.

In...about an hour?

God, I'm so nervous. Time to go...wish me luck!

 

So the ride home seemed to take so much longer than usual, and I had butterflies in my stomach the whole way there. Seriously, I'd never felt that nervous before in my entire life. My ride accidentally went to my house first, too, which prolonged the trip to my friend's house.

Anyway, I got there, and there were several people there already. I sat down and chatted with them, mostly out of nervousness. My friend was around, but I was so nervous, I was afraid to approach him. So for a good hour, I just kind of talked with my other friends.

Then, I saw him putting on his coat. He was going to drive to the grocery store to get some supplies, and I quickly asked if I could come along for the ride. I think he knew that I had something to tell him...I don't doubt that my nervousness showed. In the car, he asked me what was up. I started to talk, but just froze up. I tried again a few more times, but I just couldn't force the words out.

After a while, he says to me, "what's wrong?" And I look at him and just kind of blurt out, "I'm bisexual." I was so afraid of what he'd say or do. Without a single moment's pause, he says "okay, that's cool." ^^

I was SO relieved! He didn't have a problem with it at all! We talked about it for a little bit, and then just kind of talked about other things. It was seriously the greatest feeling in the whole world, and I wanted nothing more than to climb to the top of the tallest building and announce it to the whole world!

I didn't tell anyone else at the get together ^^ I figure I'll save that for another day. I'm out now, so I know coming out to the others will be MUCH easier!

Thank you all, each and every one of you! I couldn't have done it without your support! You are all very cool people ^^ and I owe you all my sanity! I haven't felt this comfortable in years! It's great!

Speaking of which, I have to wake up in ~5 hours, so I'd best turn in ; ; thanks again, everyone!!!