I would really appreciate some advice, or support, or anything. I've been feeling like shit the past few days. Nothing to the extreme, but my brain has been killing my mood every chance it gets when I'm not distracted (and sometimes even when I am). I'm on vacation at the beach, with part of the family I'm not out to yet, apart from my cousins. Obviously nobody treats me as a guy here. I feel self conscious about my body. Just seeing my male cousin triggers a wave of dysphoria, because why am I not like that. I can't enjoy being shirtless, because I'd have to explain to my family why I'm wearing tape on my chest, and even then knowing people can see my waist is a big no-no. Bottom dysphoria has gotten bad again. Usually it was just a thought of "i look better while packing", but now the thought that my packer is just a piece of plastic and the fact that I can't feel the fabric of my underwear with my dick messes with me, a lot. Nothing feels right these days. I feel like my body is comprised of...bits. random bits. Nothing fits, nothing feels right. It's like I'm wearing wet clothes, it's like my skin is suffocating me and I cant wait to just rip it off. It feels like a cycle; get dysphoric about body, do gender affirming things, people treat you as a girl anyway so you start feeling self conscious of your body again. Rinse and repeat. And because of that, nothing works!!! I feel like I'm in a doomer mind set right now. Like; it's worthless to try to do anything about my body, trying to do gender affirming things, because it's just not enough, it's never enough. I don't feel satisfied, I feel sick to my stomach because this body feels wrong. Someone please punch me in the jaw. Fuck. - Tudor
Hey, I logged in, because I saw your post and wanted to send you hugs and let you know you're not alone there. You can't really get rid of these feelings, but rather try not to think about it or maybe there is something that can distract you. I try not to think about it's not enough, because it just makes it worse. I don't think myself of as transgender or as female in my mind at all and that helps me a little. wearing hoodies is not really an option during hot summer, but I like baggy T-shirts, that hides all the curves.
Thanks for the hugs :') I've been trying to stay distracted and spending time with my cousins or reading or working. I'll try to do the thinking of myself as male more consciously though - i do that usually when I'm in an environment i feel comfortable in, but now i genuinely need to force myself to do that. But let's hope it helps I covered myself in a baggy button up tonight, it's been comfy so far
You're welcome. Yes, it is hard, but we can try as much as possible to make ourselves feel more at home within ourselves, when not being able to tranition, at least not yet. Reading and listening music and other hobbies are good distraction. Baggy button ups are another favourite. I've been loving wearing polo shirts and shorts for the summer, what really helps out with making me feel more comfortable. It's amazing how much better can just simple clothes make us feel.
Tudor.....I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix everything for you. I can't, no one can, so I want you to know that in spite of everything we...the whole LGBTQ Family do care about you. It sounds like you aren't very far into your transition...but the time will come when things will change. It will take time but there will be a day when you will be at a beach without a shirt. Medical science continues to progress, so who knows what might be possible in the future. Hang in there... we do care about you and love you. .....David
