I thought that I was making progress, but some days I still doubt myself and I guess today was one of those days. I know someone who is straight and cis probably wouldn't question their sexuality to the extent that I have, but I just feel like I'm faking it all. I thought I was getting more comfortable with my orientation, but recently I've started thinking about my gender and that seems to have brought back a lot of doubt about my sexuality as well. Sometimes I just feel like I want to be unique, like I just want to be gay or maybe even NB just so I can say I'm "part of the club" or something. I would never think that about anyone else, I know this is classic homophobia, but when it comes to me, I feel like such an impostor. I have never been involved with the LGBT community, never known many gay or trans or non-binary people, and I just feel like I don't belong or like I wouldn't fit in. I think I tend to still have some prejudice about gay/trans/NB people left over from the way I was raised and the person I used to be. This makes me feel like shit, I feel like I don't deserve to think of myself as anything but a fraudulent, hateful person. I don't know if I'll ever be able get over all of this doubt. I guess I just had a rough day today and I felt like I needed to vent a little bit.
Read gay literature. There is a lot of it out there. Once you get going, you will find some stories you like or can relate to more than others. This will help give you some ideas of what might interest you. Take your time and don’t rush to find a solution to your confusion, read lots of stories about gay life and let the right path come to you. It’s understandable if you live in a culture where you are not exposed to your interests that you would be confused about them.
skloorrpt.....Welcome to the human race! We all have those days when we feel like we don't belong anywhere, when we feel pretty much worthless and anything that we have accomplished suddenly feels like it was, as you say "fraudulent" . Been there done that. I was a high school band director for 41 years. My bands played all over the Northwestern US. We were even selected to be the Presidential Band way back when President Ronald Reagan came to visit our state in 1986 which in turn lead to our being selected to perform on the lawn outside the White House in the Spring of 1987. I have been elected to my state's Music Educators Hall of Fame. And yet there were many times when I felt that I was a total failure. Just like you, many times I felt like a loser. I felt like I was faking everything and that there would come a time when someone would "pull aside the curtain" (like in "Wizard of OZ"). They would discover the pathetic little man faking his way through life and through his job trying to make it look like he knew what he was doing when in reality he had no idea and everything was a fraud. A big part of what made me feel that way was the big secret that I had been keeping since at least my junior high school years. I was gay. But I couldn't tell anyone...that would be the end of everything if I did that. I finally managed to "paint myself into a corner" when I felt like I could no longer keep up the fake act of being straight and at the same time felt like if I actually came out I would destroy my conservative Christian family. The night when this all came to a head was when I made my first post here on Empty Closets...begging for help. I got the help I needed that night and it started me on the road to a life that I didn't think I would ever be able to have. I learned that I could not deal with everything by myself. I needed the help of a therapist. I also needed the help of some medications to help me deal with the acute depression that was destroying me. I still talk to my therapist after seven years and I still take some of the medications. I have come to terms with my sexual orientation and I have come out to my wife...we are staying together! Even friends who I have not come out to have noticed a significant change in my outlook toward life. I am happier and easier to be around and many other things as well. What I'm saying to you by telling you my life's story is that there are ways to get over the doubt that you are feeling...to get over the hills and valleys, ups and downs. If you are not seeing a therapist now, please consider finding one that lists working with the LGBTQIA+ Community as part of their practice. They don't have to be gay to really help you, but they do need to understand the unique challenges that face a member of our community. I was fortunate in that I was able to find a therapist that listed working with our community and was also gay himself. In my case having a gay therapist was a big help as he understood so much of what I was going through because he had gone through it himself. So...I'm glad that you can have a place like EC to vent when you need to! that's one of the reasons that we're here! The next step is to dissect that rant and see what can be done to heal as much of it as possible! I hope something that I've said will fall into that category and give you a lift! .....David
Don't deny your feelings they are real. I have come out in my head and then gone back into the confines of comfort (the closet) so many times I lost count. It's still hard sometimes because of how long I let society and my upbringing dictate who I was. I'm gay, it's that simple and it's the only "label" that feels right on me. It's the only one that I can internally embrace as the true me. Coming out to anyone else will happen over time or as I deem necessary (or not). Don't feel like an imposter just because you may not be acting on anything. Your feelings are real and deserve to be acknowledged for what they are. Be kind to you!!
