Hey everyone! It's been a very long time since I've posted on the site. So this is partially an update, plus some questions based on where I'm at at the moment... I'm doing a lot better. A lot of my previous posts were just whining and ranting - not that my points, questions, and concerns weren't valid, but I was too stuck on where I was and not on changing my circumstances, and just being myself. I was obsessed with changing myself for other people, and when I did let myself be, overcompensating because I felt I wasn't "gay enough" or something. I am a functional bisexual, who is predominately attracted to men. While I firmly believe that labels aren't necessary, it's so anchoring and fulfilling to have a label for myself finally. I don't have access to therapy, but I have started keeping a journal and writing letters to myself, and that's helped sort out a lot of the self-hatred and internalized homophobia, and all the crap that I have stuffed inside. I'm happier. I'm working into a substantial promotion at my job. I'm still incredibly lonely sometimes. My sister is getting married, and all of my peers are coupled up. I'm still like the only LGBT person for several miles, but I'm focused forward. I deleted all of my online LGBT dating profiles, and I'm staying away from social media more, and just focused on loving and bettering myself. With the amount of self-hatred I have, I could never love or support someone else the way that they need, and it cuts away from the "attraction factor." No one's going to want to get with this hot mess as long as I'm focused on everything negative around me. I have a list of goals, like getting healthier, and moving out of my parent's house (I'm 23 years old and it's more than time for that), and going back to school to finish my degree and get the job I want. If you don't like the life you have, make it the life you want. I still have an insufferably homophobic family who has forbidden me to be myself. I'm still don't look like Zac Efron (such is life, unfortunately). But there are little things I can do to make my life better and push towards the one I would like. Your future is in your hands. That's the biggest thing I've learned this year. Embrace the suck - grieve past mistakes. Be sad about the status quo and where things are. But then get up - promise to be yourself and not change for anyone. Let go of or accept the things you can't change or don't have any control over. Then shake off any sadness and face the promise of tommorrow...get your butt in gear and change the things that ARE in your control! Stand up for yourself and never let anyone treat you like you're "less than." It's hard. And it sucks. I have a sucky, incredibly hard year and many goals and deadlines ahead of me. But you know what's on the other side? Peace, knowing that I made it, and I can live the life I was born to live. And you can have that too. And somehow, some day, the things we have no control over will change for the better. Your parents will accept you. You will find your person. Every day will stop feeling like a battle. We'll make it, and 2018 is going to blow our minds in the best ways possible. Best wishes to all of you in the coming year. I love you all - prayers, love, and all the good vibes I can give to all of you beautiful people!
