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Do you feel your "mental maturity" is effected by having your innate sexuality suppressed?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by brainwashed, Dec 26, 2020.

  1. brainwashed

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    The title pretty much sums up my question. For those who do not know, a person's "mental maturity" can be different from their biological maturity.

    Growing this question a little more, I feel I that part of me is stuck in my mid teens. Even as an adult I really did not know that sex was a means for pleasure, it was only for reproduction. (If you check out some of my earlier posts I tell how I felt that sex was dirty. Yup this is basically what abuse and conversion therapy can to do ya.)

    I did not know that human intimacy was a means to bond people together. Human intimacy is something people do because they loved each other - ok some of the time. I never learned this and thus I theorize my mental maturity was impeded.
     
  2. JessNC

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    I certainly see your logic. In having your desire for connection forced into an imposed framework you were unable to experience and grow in your own way(s). In my case, while I didn't inherit a narrow sex-is-only-for-reproduction framing of things, the lingering religious taboo against sexual pleasure kept me from letting go and exploring what I was deeply and honestly feeling and desiring. I wasn't an immature person in most ways but with regard to exploring my erotic interests and capacities that was left undeveloped although glimpses and moments of awareness did occur. When, in my 50's, I began to explore and examine my sexual desires and gender identity/expression, it felt like an accelerated process of maturation. And the maturation wasn't limited to one arena but it flowed across all aspects of my life.
     
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  3. idsm

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    Absolutely. My friends are getting married and having children. I'm getting crushes on fictional characters.
     
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  4. brainwashed

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    Bingo. I really like the letting go and exploring. May I ask what you were deeply and honestly feeling and desiring?

    Although I do not have references for you at this time, this accelerated process is well document. I've read it's like, oh shit sex is wonderful and I want lots of it.
     
  5. brainwashed

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    Agree. Childhood / young adult trauma is caustic in many ways and with varying outcomes.
     
  6. JessNC

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    Its been so long that I doubt I can recall what my feelings and desires [email protected]
     
  7. out2019

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    Some people have called coming out later in a life a second adolescence. If we suppressed our sexuality younger or denied it, then that part of us never grew. Looking back, if I wasn't in denial, I would have realized I was gay age 14 or so. So while straight people were enjoying their first kisses and intimacy, I was covering up who I really was. Sure, there was some 'thrill' of being with a girl, but like someone who has glasses that remove color from the world and make everything black and white, I assumed that was all there was to love romance and intimacy.

    Now all the sudden, the glasses are off and the world is bright and colorful. When I finally 'let' myself think about a guy romantically - not just a sexual kink I was ashamed of, and imagined what it would be like to make love to a guy I loved, I thought....Oh, THIS is how straight people feel when they think about the opposite sex.

    There are some benefits - we're feeling the thrills of what a first real date will be like, but also we're learning how to socialize, talk, date, with other men (or whatever your sexuality is) so in that sense we're like teenagers, learning for the first time.
     
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  8. RD Spencer

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    There was definitely lack of mental maturity for me, mostly due to growing up in a dysfunctional home. I have been doing a lot of catching up thought in the second half of my life.
     
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  9. StillHorny

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    Wow. You've created a lot of good discussion. One thing I honestly believe people leave out of the discussion is that males are more sexual on a physical level. There isn't a lot of thinking necessary. Women are more driven by their emotional life than men and I believe that influences their response to physical and intellectual matters. We're physical beings first and thinking and feeling come after. It's the old Alley Oop thing. It's our upbringing that channels it. Note that the regular qualifiers are in place.
     
    #9 StillHorny, Dec 31, 2020
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  10. QuietPeace

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    This thread seems to equate mental/emotional maturity with sexual experience. I do not see those as the same thing.

    My mental/emotional maturity were held back both by my being ASD (though undiagnosed until later in adulthood) and by my parents being extremely "protective" (they did not want me to be mature they wanted to control my entire life). This caused me to be very vulnerable to abuse, including being taken advantage of sexually. I am nearly 60 and still trying to recover from both the childhood experiences and from the abuses I suffered as an adult.

    I first felt at least sort of like an adult when my first child was born. I started learning to have more control over my life choices after 50 and it was centered over telling society and people they could take a long walk off a short pier when it comes to telling me how I have to live my life. Only this past year have I felt that I could be freer and make my own choices as far as sex, mostly because everyone who I have been involved with up to now only cared about taking advantage of me (most likely due to the naiveté both from ASD and from parental programming).
     
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  11. PatrickUK

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    Interesting question and interesting how the question has been framed?

    Do you feel your "mental maturity" is effected by having your innate sexuality suppressed?

    It's the words that I have italicised that really caught my attention, because they kind of suppose that suppression is the result of external force rather than an internal process. I'm afraid it ain't necessarily so. Admittedly, societal and religious pressure and shaming can have a bearing and we shouldn't (and I wouldn't) attempt to deny or minimise that, but suppression of sexuality isn't always logical and it doesn't follow neat lines. I'm afraid we can't always say A leads to B. It's undoubtedly true that the desire to conform or the imposition of conformity can lead to suppression of one's sexuality and by extension it may affect mental maturity, but I would be hesitant to go too far with that theory. That's not to say it's invalid, but as we have seen over the years on this forum, people come from loving and accepting homes and communities and hold great positions of responsibility, yet they still find themselves in the mental spinner over their sexuality. It's only when we dig very deep that some of the reasons for the suppression and mental torment begin to emerge and that's why therapy is often important during the coming out process.
     
  12. brainwashed

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    I'll throw a thought into the discussion. For males, it it nature vs. nurture? What do I mean? I think males can be be very emotional given they are not brought up to be macho. My god some of those Italian men I've met are very attuned into their emotions.

    Indeed women are physical and intellectual, someone has to take responsibility for bringing another human out upon the earth. This is not to say that men will not take responsibility. The tide is changing - thankfully.
     
    #12 brainwashed, Jan 3, 2021
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  13. gfellascat

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    I'm in the same boat, and I never experienced true intimacy until I had my first real girlfriend in my late 20's after years of denial. I always had this thought ingrained in my mind that sex was a "dirty" activity like you said, and even felt shame and was never able to enjoy it. It's a really strange position to be in, but I think it's a step in the right direction to be self aware of these thoughts and issues.
     
  14. Tightrope

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    Intellectual maturity, absolutely not. Emotional maturity, quite possibly. I see the point you are trying to make.
     
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  15. brainwashed

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    I need to do more research on this topic. I'v read a few internet articles on the subject. Some of the articles clearly state that your mental maturity age can be different from your biological age. See link below to see how I support this claim.

    In the book A Stolen Life (see link below) it's clear to me that Jaycee's mental maturity was affected by her abduction and being held for years and years. The memoir is a sad story but very informative if one is reflecting on their own experiences when young. How? Many of the points made in the memoir caused me to reflect on what I went through when young.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Stolen_Life_(book)

    Heres a YouTube vid on the subject.

     
  16. Pole star

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    I agree completely. I am in my forties but mentally I always feel I am in my late twenties or so. Just can’t seem to progress beyond that. People are surprised when I tell my age - they feel I am ten years younger. Probably reflected in my demeanour. Bothers me sometimes. But it hasn’t affected my intellectual maturity at all thankfully.
     
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  17. BiGemini87

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    I think in some ways, yeah. Like in a lot of ways, my life was such hell growing up (I'd suffered all kinds of abuse from the age of 6 and up) that I was forced to grow up faster than a lot of kids my age at the time. But given the emotional and psychological consequences of all that abuse, I was also stunted in a lot of social aspects that my peers took for granted. I firmly believe that figuring out my sexual orientation late in life is one of the consequences of my home life. Had I grown up in a more stable, patient environment, perhaps I would have been less afraid of even entertaining the fact I wasn't straight. But truth be told, my orientation was hardly the only social aspect that suffered, and there certainly were a lot of other issues I needed to work through first before I could deal with it--including sex, due to being sexually assaulted multiple times growing up. Not that I was afraid of sex when the opportunity arose (I was fairly eager), but because afterwards, I had to separate what happened consensually between me and my partner from the actions that had been forced on me by others. In both this and raising my daughter, I dealt with a lot of repressed issues cropping up, whereas I feel people who are more emotionally healthy would have dealt with it long before either event.

    Regardless though of whatever stunts someone's growth, there does come a time when they have to accept what happened, push forward, and make life what they need/want it to be.
     
    #17 BiGemini87, Jan 13, 2021
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  18. StillHorny

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    Latin men in general are more emotional, from macho anger to sexual delight. Love 'em.
     
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  19. brainwashed

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    They are irresistible.
     
  20. RD Spencer

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    What is your mental age?

    Interesting video, the odd part is that according to this video I would be considered at a metal age of 40-55 but I often feel immature for my age.

    I think what might explain this is that on an intellectual level I am quite mature but on an emotional level I am immature.

    The more I think about it the more I suspect that the original question applies to me as well. Through out most of my life I have suppressed my emotions and focused on seeing life through a technical perspective and this has probably prevented me from maturing on an emotional level while still maturing intellectually. When I clamp down on my emotions, I can be quite professional and mature. When my emotions run free I can be very kid like. I started burying my emotions in my early teens because I didn’t want to deal with my sexuality on that level and I was also paranoid about coming off gay when I was emotional around other people.