Dad might be gay - Advice Please

I'd say to take the gentle approach. Mention some things to him in passing that indicate you are supportive of gay relationships, gay rights, etc. Then later he may open up and talk about the guy in his life.

As a gay man, I would assume a graduate of Liberty University would have conservative, anti-gay beliefs - and stay in the closet - unless that person specifically demonstrates otherwise.

 

I am also going to have to go against the chorus of people encouraging you to ask him directly. Not because you could potentially emotionally scar him or anything of the sort, but because we do not know where he is at in the coming out process. He may be struggling and ashamed of his feelings, and so directly asking him is likely just going to result in you being brushed off. It could perhaps even make him angry (he could get defensive). If he lies to you, it just makes it harder for him to be truthful later, because then he has to not only tell you that he is gay (or bi), but he also has to tell you that he lied directly to your face when questioned.

Another reason you would not want to ask directly, is because if he is deeply in the closet, he could panic that you suspect. This could cause problems in their relationship, and he might pull away.

Dealing with people who are in the closet is very difficult and complicated.

Of course, we also have to take into consideration that your father really is NOT gay, and that you are simply misinterpreting things. This is a possibility, even though, judging from what you have written it seems unlikely. However, short of finding hard evidence (what you have is circumstantial evidence) it is impossible to know for sure. So, we have to keep this in perspective as well. It may also be one of the reasons he is not catching your hints.

As others have suggested, the best way to go about doing this is to look for key moments to bring up LGBT issues. Then just have a normal conversation. Make clear your support for LGBT equality and gay marriage in particular, since you assume he is in a romantic relationship with another man. Lay it out there. Let him know where you stand, so that when he is ready to talk about it, he feels comfortable doing so.

Another thing you can do is form a closer relationship with his suspected boyfriend. Forging a good and strong relationship with him is good, because this will hopefully strengthen your family bond as a whole. Besides, having a good relationship with him allows you to drop not so subtle jokes, about the close relationship he has with your father and him feeling like your "step dad." Basically, you are laying it on thick. You are letting them both know that YOU know what is up, and that when they are ready--so are you.

In the end, this is something that needs time. I know from the perspective of someone who is straight, it may seem odd or even silly. Especially to someone who is not anti-gay being gay does not feel like such a big deal. He comes out, you shrug your shoulders, and you move forward with your life. However, from your fathers perspective, you have to remember the times and things he saw throughout his life. The horrible anti-gay messages he has internalized. All of that is going to weigh on him--it is heavy baggage. He has to find a way to work through that in order to be comfortable, open, and honest with you. What you want to do, from your perspective, is to make it as easy as possible for him to get there. Thus, I recommend the non-confrontational approach. It is likely to yield better results in the long term.

 

that makes sense. when you think about it, most heterosexual people don't go around discussing their sexuality either. and if dad was straight, and this were a woman friend, there would also be a line past which it would be considered rude or intrusive. same line would apply here, no?

 

I'd have to agree with Martin.

If your dad has reasons to keep it from you, it looks like you can't be direct about it. Perhaps, you can talk about gay subjects with your dad. Get involved with things that are going on currently with the community, see what he says. But don't let him know that you know yet. Kind of smooth into it, make him comfortable first. Maybe then you can ask him.

 

Aldrick, I highly doubt someone who wears a wedding ring is deep in the closet. Wedding rings are as public a declaration of your relationship as you can get. He is quite literally publicly broadcasting to everyone that he is in a relationship.

Also you say that he might not be gay, and it's impossible to know for sure. But there is a way: Just talk to each other.

Sportsgirl, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you're probably the person your dad loves the most in the entire world. You're his daughter. You can tell him that you want to speak with him, then sit him down over a coffee in private and just tell him everything you told us. You don't even need to ask him any questions, just communicate, tell him that you love him and it changes nothing. That you're happy for him.

Communication is what relationships are built on. What's the worst thing that could happen? He might be slightly uncomfortable temporarily? But he'll know that he doesn't have to hide anything from you and he has your full loving support, and he'll most likely get over feeling uncomfortable quickly (maybe even during your talk) because you're the person he loves most in the world? Surely that's better than not communicating, or continuing to drop hints like you've already been doing for years in the hope that something will change?

You both don't need to wait another 6 years for him finally sit you down over a coffee and tell you what you already know. I can assure you you'll both just wish he told you this years ago, so he didn't feel like he had to hide for so long.

Just talk to him. You love him. He loves you. Tell him that he has nothing to worry about and you love him just the same.

 

Yes, and I used to think that the only reason they would not discuss it was due to being closeted. I realized though that as you said, straight people are not required to discuss these things at dinner so why the F should I. I dont mind my brother and his family knowing I'm gay but I sure as hell don't want to sit at the dinner table discussing sex acts! None of this makes me closeted or self hating, just maybe a bit prudish! Now if my sister-in-law wants to discuss past conquests and oral techniques I'll gladly oblige, just not with my brother and the kids in the room.

There are other, deeper reason people would not want to have these discussions as well.

 

Ewww, that would just be so NASTY :eek: That would be so inappropriate. If someone asked that, I would definitely feel like turning the question around. Like, "none of your biz, bro, but tell me, how often does your wife give bj's?" etc etc etc. so rude! and at the dinner table? eeewwwww!

 

You are forgetting the important point about that: he removed it. If he was comfortable being out of the closet, then he would be out of the closet. If he is gay/bi and in a serious relationship (potentially a marriage) with another man, he has to have a reason to have not discussed this with his daughter. That is a big decision and step to make in life without discussing it with your family.

We do not know his reasoning, motives, or intentions. We only know what we have been told, and as a result I think it is best to play things more conservative until we have more information.

If the world were that simple, we would solve a lot of problems. However, communication is a two way street. She may confront him, but he might not be willing to communicate with her. He may even be willing to lie.

All she has right now is a strong hunch and some circumstantial evidence. She does not have any hard proof. I have seen people come to this forum seeking support after confronting people clearly in the closet with hard evidence. Like with detailed e-mail exchanges regarding hook ups, loads of gay porn on their computer, etc. Still, even with all that evidence hanging over their head, they still lied. I have seen this happen again and again.

I am not saying direct confrontation of the issue is necessarily bad advice. I just do not think it is the best advice, because we do not know where he is mentally and emotionally at the moment. In order for her to get the desired outcome (the truth), it makes more sense to play things more conservative, and to consciously look for opportunities for him to start the conversation. Therefore, the energy is best spent laying the groundwork for the conversation.

Once he is ready to communicate, then this annoying problem clears up. However, until he is ready to communicate with her, she could just be creating unnecessary difficulties for herself and her father. After all, there is no reason he has to tell her the truth even once confronted.

 

No the important part isn't that he removed it. The important part is he removed it around her.

If he was wearing a wedding ring, but didn't want anyone to know he was wearing a wedding ring, then he just wouldn't wear one. But he was. The fact that he went to the dinner with it, but discreetly removed it during, suggests that he was so comfortable wearing it that he just straight up forgot about it. It wasn't until he was at the dinner with his daughter that he remembered it, so he took it off discreetly because he's not out to her. It also suggests he knows that wearing a wedding ring is about as public a declaration of your relationship as you can get, and that people ask questions about it.

For example I used to work in retail. If I was serving a customer at this time of year and he came in buying a lot of presents, I'd strike up conversation about last minute Christmas shopping. If he was wearing a wedding ring I'd probably ask him if his presents are for his wife. That's just normal small talk that wedding rings can bring up in everyday life. If he was wearing a wedding ring then he knows it's a public declaration of his relationship. If he was far in the closet he wouldn't be putting himself into situations like that.

So yeah the important part isn't that he removed it. The important part is he removed it around her.

Which leads us to "he has to have a reason to have not discussed this with his daughter".

Well lets assume that, due to her being his daughter, she's probably the person he loves the most in this world. What reason could there be? If he's wearing a wedding ring he's pretty far out of the closet. So I think it'd be safe to assume it's because he's scared about how she'll react. He's scared about her the most because she's the person that's most important to him.

And what other reason could there be? Like "has to have a reason" is just vague fear mongering. Genuinely, what other actual possible reasons could there be? Everything I can think of boils down to "might be slightly uncomfortable temporarily but will get over it quickly because you're the person he loves the most in the world". Surely that is a far better alternative to her dad thinking he has to keep secrets from her for another 6 years?

But she doesn't have to confront him per say. She can sit him down over a coffee in private and just tell him all this. What she thinks. Make it clear that it doesn't matter to her, and that she loves him. Generally when you see people in those other situations they're confronted off guard with questions, and to be fair they tend to be from their opposite sex spouse or parents to their children. In this situation she can sit him down and just talk, she doesn't even need to ask any questions, she can just tell him what she told us in the OP. She can end it with "And I want you to know I'm happy for you, and I love you so much because you're my dad, and you should never feel like you have to hide anything like this from me because it wont change how much I love you". That's it, no questions even. He doesn't even have to reply immediately, and we all know that hearing something like that from the person you love most in the world (especially if you're pretty far out the closet) would be wonderful.

So yeah, I just don't think telling her that they should both waste more unnecessary time when they don't need is good advice. I just don't think "Well it's been 4-6 years already, you've been dropping hints for years and it doesn't seem to be working, but yeah keep doing that for a few more years until he decides to talk to you" is good advice. I just think "Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. You both really love each other." is far better advice. I just don't see how telling her that they should both waste more years of their life because he might be slightly uncomfortable temporarily if she decides not to is the advice we should be giving.

 

Another in agreement with Martin. Just be there and love your dad.

 

you are an awesome daughter!!! I'm sure he knows that too. and I suspect that when he decides to come out to you, it will be a lot easier because you have made such an effort to clear the way for him. do your brothers send the same signals? if not, that might be his real fear. now that he has a good relationship with them, he doesn't want to blow it. and the assumption would be that if you tell one, you've told all, or will have to. (&&&)

 

... This is so mean and vile, that only insults come to mind... And I thought my mother was mean... I'm truly sorry....

Back to the topic, I'm another one who agrees with Martin. You must respect your dad's right to chose the moment to tell you... Or not. He must have his reasons to keep quiet about it. To respect this is also an expression of your own love for him. A good thing to do could be just going out together, and after a couple of beers, just tell him that for you, his happiness is the only thing that matters. This sure will convey the message "here I am, dad, Ready to listen if you feel like saying something important you think I should know"

Good luck (*hug*)

 

I think writing a letter or note is a great idea. You can likely say more in the letter than you could face to face, because your father will have more time to compose himself and respond.

I would not say something like, "I love you no matter what." The last part there makes it sound like you are bracing yourself for some horrible news.

What I would do is close my eyes and picture your father in a public relationship with a woman. She is really nice and you like her. You spent time together, and you want to send a letter to BOTH of them letting them know how much you enjoyed being with them. Do not act like anything is out of the ordinary, just straight up pretend that it is out in the public and you are acknowledging their relationship. After all if they are putting out a Christmas Card with just the two of them, that is a straight up public declaration. You cannot get more public than that.

So, let us say your fathers husband / boyfriend is named David. You might say things like:

"I really enjoyed spending Thanksgiving with you and David."

"I am really happy that you found someone like David, after the divorce I was concerned about..."

"I look forward to getting to see you and David in <insert time>..."

"Send my best holiday wishes to David as well."

Things like the above. You are being extremely overt here. You are not forcing him to tell you anything, but you are acknowledging that you straight up know what is going on and that you are okay with it. You can be much more forceful this way than you could be in person, because your father does not actually have to respond immediately. He has time to compose himself and think about what he wants to tell you.

So long as the letter is genuine, then I think it would mean a lot to him. After all, what you are basically trying to say in the letter is that you love him, that you support him, that you are there for him when he is ready, and you are acknowledging something that is important to him--likely his husband.

The ball is then in his court. How he responds to the letter is going to tell you what your next move should be. I predict four potential responses:

The first is outright ignoring it. It is as if your overt "I know you are in a relationship with this man" letter did not even happen.

The second is acknowledging that you acknowledged it, but not actually coming out to you. This basically confirms what you know, but does not require him to say the words, "I am gay / bisexual." This can be insanely hard for a lot of people to do.

The third is out right rejecting that he is in a relationship at all. It is unlikely that he would react with anger, and if he did I would take it as a sign of him being defensive. More likely, he will call you up laughing his ass off over the fact that you thought he was married to a man. Which would mean that you and your brothers are totally off base. In this case you could ask him direct questions like, "What about <insert question>..." and then have him give you the explanation. Everything that you have written though, implies to me that your father is likely in a relationship with him, so this outcome seems unlikely. It is more likely that if your father does not want to talk about it, he will choose the first option since it is the most safe.

The fourth is the most desirable outcome. This is where he formally comes out to you. This gets all the cards out on the table.

Anyway, I think the letter is a great idea. Writing in such a way that you are acknowledging that they are in a relationship together, and doing it in such a way that it seems perfectly common and expected (as if he were in a relationship with a woman)--this lets him know that you know and that you are okay with it. You are walking right up to the line and almost asking, "Are you gay?" Without actually crossing that line and putting him in a difficult position where he either has to confirm or deny something that he may not be ready to talk about.

Hopefully this was helpful, and that you keep us updated.

 

what splendid advice, Aldrick. I can really see what you're saying about the "I love you no matter what" having a pretty negative implication, like "no matter that awful gay thing going on." and that is clearly not the intent! approaching it like you would if he had come with a female friend is so logical, and yet so brilliant. there would be nothing unusual to say that if he had come with a woman friend, why not say the same about a male friend. Genuinely disarming!!! :wow:

 

Make up a story about a gay couple you know, and how some friend of yours said that is really weird (aka the friend has a problem with gayness), and how you responded to her. I leave that response up to you, cause then you'd express what you think about the subject, and as far as your concerned you offered the peace branch. It's his move now.

My opinion, no guarantees included.

 

I wouldn't make a huge deal of it. But I also wouldn't make it a non issue. I would bring it up, casually. My ex was deeply in the closet, and would never talk about it - with most people. He would, with me and a few friends. And I know it made me feel marginalized and our relationship feel marginalized. Maybe something just as off the wall as, was that a wedding or engagement ring I saw last time you were here? Are a congratulations in order? Being his daughter, I would hate for you to not bring it up at all, and over the next 20 years it's the elephant in the room at family functions where it's never brought up. If this man is important to your father, and if you're cool with that, you should bring it up. You have to realize your dad is from a different generation, and he is likely to be very hesitant to bring it up. But if you try to do it in a non threatening, supportive manner, I don't think that's a bad thing.

I realize this is a subject with many many variables, and many opinions. But that's mine. He shouldn't have to bring his partner to family functions and have everyone assume they're buddies. If he's as important a part of his life as he seems to be, then he should at least be open with the closest family and friends, even if it takes a little bit of coercing.

This is not the same as a 13 year old that gets caught with gay porn. He's a grown adult with grown adult children. This isn't 1965 and he should know that his family doesn't care. With kids it can be an experimentation thing. It could be a way of striking back to the parents. It could be a million things. But if he's had this guy at family functions for years, and now they have rings on, casually bring it up. That's my thoughts, at least.

 

I actually kind of like Aldericks' idea with the letter. Being fairly upfront with him, I like the following two the most, or even both together..
"I really enjoyed spending Thanksgiving with you and David."
"I am really happy that you found someone like David, after the divorce I was concerned about..."
Maybe "Dad, I really enjoyed having you and David over or Thanksgiving. I am really happy that you found someone like David, after the divorce I was concerned about you being alone, but it's nice having him as part of the family..." and followup however you wish. It keeps it positive, you enjoyed seeing David, it recognizes that David is an important person to him. And it leaves it in his court. How he responds is up to him, but it gets rid of the presumption of friendship. He doesn't have to dance around you acting like nothing is up. If and when he chooses he can be open about his new partner. But in the mean time, there's a tacit acknowledgement on both of your parts that you both know.

Not being a parent myself, I can assume this would be a good response. It sounds good to me. It's not threatening. It's not even asking directly for an answer. That can be hard at times.

Best of luck, but all I know is that your father, and your father's partner, are both very lucky men! You seem like an amazing daughter

 

I agree with sending your dad a letter, but personally I would write vague things and no direct questions. I would not directly ask my dad what his sexual orientation is. I think the priority is to create a feeling of trust and safety, more than is present in the usual relationship even. and to let him know with you he need not feel ashamed of any part of his life as there is nothing to be ashamed of, that you love him and want him to be happy, that you have no prejudice. but not to unintentionally pressure him.

 

I agree that a letter would be a good idea, but maybe not so direct as what StephenB suggested. Something a little more vague, or subdued like: "I really enjoyed having David over, he seems like a great guy" and then maybe, if you wanted to bring up anLGBT subject and just be squeally and happy ("Oh my god, did you hear Elton John and his boyfriend got married? So cute, I'm so happy for them!").

This is just my opinion, but I don't think you should be so direct that your dad realizes you think of this guy as his boyfriend, but at the same time you should be straightforward enough that you get the point across that if he is, you're happy for him and supportive of him.