Cycle of Confusion

If it helps at all I feel very much the same as you.

 

Cycling, at least for me, went on for some time. I was attracted to women and enjoyed the sex, but deep down I always harbored a same-sex attraction. As I began to genuinely acknowledge this attraction and accept my sexuality, I found that the cycling became less pervasive and any feelings of remorse after a same-sex experience faded away as well.

 

i don't claim to have 'the answer,' but i can share my thoughts and experience.

i think a lot of "confusion" comes when reality doesn't aline with our beliefs (often conditioned) of what 'should be.' i think the power of "should be" conditioning is emotional more than cognitive. We can 'change our mind' through education and reason, but our emotions are not that easy to change. We're largely conditioned to put things in black or white terms: "gay or straight," "male or female, etc., etc., ad infinitum." probably because it's common and it's easier for the brain to group generally than to see reality in all it's immense detail.

i look at us, people, as puzzles. Our conditioning has us living as though there are only ten pieces to our puzzle, which works okay when we're still in kindergarten. But reality is, we're more like a 500,000 piece three dimensional puzzle. It's not a perfect analogy, but putting together a couple of pieces of a 10 piece puzzle will begin to form a picture, not so much with the adult puzzle. Again, i don't think it's a perfect analogy because, if that were completely true, we'd despair of ever knowing our self, getting the picture, as it were. The point is more to leave the notion, and the expectations that come from that notion, that we have to be some conditioned notion like "gay" or "straight" or "_________".

Again, an inadequate comparison, but hopefully it gives pause. i have eaten vanilla my whole life. i like vanilla, enjoy it while i'm eating it, but nutritionally it only seems to satisfy for about 3 months. Then i find myself eating nothing, but fantasizing about eating chocolate. In my fantasy, i love chocolate way more than vanilla. But i grew up in a family where eating chocolate was considered sick and sinful, so i'm ashamed when i fantasize about eating chocolate.

Okay, that's way to simplistic, but maybe makes the point? There's a big difference between fantasy and reality. Our fantasies are custom made, they can be 'perfect,' while reality is anything but perfect. So, in some ways, i think a fantasy can be more satisfying than reality, but in other ways, obviously not. There's no nutritional value in a fantasy that can ultimately sustain health.

Maybe step back and stop trying to put your self in terms of either "gay" or "straight," "bi" or "fluid." Instead maybe venture out and try some chocolate so you will know whether or not you like it? It isn't simple or easy, we are not a two piece puzzle. You may discover you like dark chocolate and not white, and milk chocolate is somewhere in the middle. Or you may discover none of it was really as you fantasized and you don't really like chocolate at all (perish the thought lol).

 

i understand. i was in a similar cycle for many years. What broke the cycle for me was going beyond fantasizing and experiencing being with a guy. After that, i knew, it was a huge step forward. For me, it wasn't an instant 'fix.' i do not know your whole story, just little tiny pieces you have shared. You talk of feeling "ashamed...after a fantasy." i lived that kind of cycle almost daily for half my life. my "shame" was rooted in religious conditioning that had my emotions feeling that i was "sick and sinful."

i do not presume to know your source of shame, but i suggest it is a big factor in sustaining your ongoing cycle.
i do wonder that there are no guys ('chocolate') in the real world that you "want to try." May i ask, why? What is it that keeps you from wanting to explore and experience at least some of your fantasy as reality?

Also, if your fantasy is enough for you, what is the shame from? It's not as if you have done anything that would involve anyone else, what are you ashamed of? Again, to me that seems to be a big factor in your conflict and cycle.

 

Of course, I speak only from personal experience. I still notice and admire beautiful women. Just like a sunset or a mountain vista. I don't see my sexuality and noticing beautiful women as mutually exclusive.

Genuine acknowledgment and acceptance, for me, was an evolution not a revolution. It began first with a simple self-acknowledgment - without any self-judgment - that I had a sexual interest in men - even while I was still dating and having sex with women. I would fantasize about sex with men, and I would pleasure myself to pictures of naked men, especially when I was between girlfriends. At that time, I viewed it almost as a fetish. Something to be indulged as a guilty pleasure. The acknowledgment became more genuine when my same-sex fantasies became increasingly exclusive, and I began to look back over the years for signs of my same-sex interest and desires. And, of course, there were many. As that occurred, I found sex with women mechanical and less satisfying. This was the point where I genuinely acknowledged to myself that I'm sexually attracted to men, and I wanted to go beyond the fantasy. I'm a bit lucky because after having a "real" experience, I never really felt any remorse because I chose to pursue my true sexual nature. Of course, it was nerve-wracking and awkward at times (and still is sometimes) but, like many things, it got easier with time, and as I became more comfortable in my own skin. I never viewed my sexual journey as an all or nothing proposition, and, like any journey worth taking, I've encountered bumps along the road.

 

I can relate to your feelings. I have been puzzled for years by the fact that I am attracted to good-looking men, but had no interest in beautiful or sexy-looking women (except perhaps jealousy). As I became more comfortable with my sexuality and orientation, I realized I was not letting myself acknowledge my attraction to women, I believe it was internalized homophobia. Now I am still attracted to men, but I can have those feelings towards women too that I see in public. Recently I was walking my dog and met a woman that I started talking to. I found myself staring at her breasts and realized I had a strong urge to fondle them. It would be so easy to do that, almost automatic, if I was in a relationship with her. But I didn't know if she was gay. Five years ago, I would not have had those thoughts, I would have looked away. The point is, you may be holding yourself back from feeling attraction to men you see outside, but your thoughts and fantasies are a good indicator of how you feel. I also have fantasies exclusively of women.

 

This describes the EXACT feeling I have too. With women most of the thrill is that they are attracted to me and that turns me on. When it progresses to sex, seeing them naked doesn’t really do much for me anymore but then I wonder if I’m just thinking too much. I also wonder if the years of only masturbating while looking at gay porn or thinking about a gay scenario has altered my experience of real life sex and attraction. You’re right in that it’s a cycle of confusion because I still find women attractive out in the real world.