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Crisis time - thoughts on coming out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tearingtherose, Mar 9, 2024.

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  1. tallslenderguy

    tallslenderguy
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    No, you are not alone. There are so many closets. Even though the term is LGBQT+ coined, i believe it applies to all of humanity and that our experience and realization and understanding of 'closets' can make us better and more enlightened people in general. We can turn poison into medicine, depending on how we 'take it.'

    When i step back and look at "closets" and "coming out," it really doesn't have to be LGBQT+ specific. "LGBQT+" is probably a good example, that started out as just "LGB" and evolved to become more inclusive as we became more aware. "Closets," in a general sense, are really about hiding because of fear of things like rejection, ridicule, abuse, or a plethora of other bad responses. Everyone has closets in their psychological house. And they can be useful when hiding stuff from guests or strangers that may enter our home. But having a secret closet with a supposed intimate, living (as it were) in the same "house?" Not so ideal me thinks.

    Why do we do it? Why do we enter into an intimate relationship with someone and still have secret closets even though we supposedly occupy the same (psychological as well as physical) house? To me the essence of an ideal intimate relationship is the prospect of being mutually known, accepted, affirmed, loved.... But they don't teach relationship in school, so we end up in positions like "should be" relationships, because heteronormative culture says so (and that's just one culture influencing us). We are so culturally influenced and programed that we often are not even half self aware. "Self awareness." Another thing they don't teach in school. So many intimate relationships are based on a fuzzy and generally mysterious feeling that passes for "love." And that we even describe as something we "fall" into (i.e. "fall in love"), as if love were something like a mud puddle that we slip and fall into (which, is probably an apt example given the 50% failure rate of so many marriages).

    Intimate relationship can be a complex and windy topic, but i believe that loneliness in intimate relationship accounts for the massive failure rate. Loneliness derives from being alone, which is a result of having closets in our intimate relationships. Hiding an old pair of shoes we never wear from an intimate, in a closet, is one thing. Hiding our need for some life sustaining nutrient is another story.
     
    #21 tallslenderguy, May 3, 2024
  2. tearingtherose

    tearingtherose
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    Absolutely, just as addiction can be as powerful even when it's not substance based. What amazes me is how well I avoided confronting the loneliness for so long. Perhaps it's because I hid well in my hobbies, but I think the blackmail threat was the biggest reason.

    I know there were many times I thought of leaving the relationship but every time I started to get serious I'd stop because I didn't want people to know I'm gay. I know society plays a huge role in blame here, I definitely felt the hetero normative pressure to marry and have children.

    I think another aspect of this was that I wanted the relationship to end because it was a bad relationship and not because it was the wrong relationship for me. Until recently I only had the blackmail to go on, but now there is a lot more.

    I also know I feared, if I left her, she'd poison the kids against me and do all she could to prevent access - something I thought she'd all too easily be able to do as the mother.

    Despite all I've been through, I do think I'm the lucky one in the end. She's left me, I have the home and currently sole access to the children. The situation has forced me to come out, but on my terms, and now I know I have supportive family and friends behind me. It definitely could be very different!
     
    #22 tearingtherose, May 3, 2024
    Ipswichfan and tallslenderguy like this.
  3. tearingtherose

    tearingtherose
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    Lest it sounds like the war is over, I have merely won the opening battles. I don't know how many more hearing there will be, but they will cause stress - not least because my estranged wife has accused me of rape during her interview with social services. I rest confidently in knowing the truth has a way of becoming known, but it's alarming nonetheless - and of course I fear the gender politics. I also take confidence in the collected evidence of her inability to tell the truth to help me.

    Once the custody war is over, I anticipate the divorce will be next and with it, a big grab at assets and money. I understand in the UK it's not always simply a 50/50 split, so I am hopefully the court will heavily favour me, especially if I have permanently secured the custody of the children.
     
    #23 tearingtherose, May 3, 2024
  4. JT1999

    JT1999
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    Sorry to hear this, making false allegations is absolutely despicable and make it even harder for women who have genuinely been through something like this to come forward.

    From your previous posts it sounded like your wife was really ill and in care, is that still the case or has she made a recovery?
     
    #24 JT1999, May 4, 2024
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  5. tearingtherose

    tearingtherose
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    Absolutely, that horrible four letter word should only be uttered when strictly necessary. For the sake of others, I hope it's taken seriously and that there are serious consequences for making this false allegation. I just dread what I might have to endure to get to the other side of this.

    Indeed she was, and I believe that's where she still needs to be, however she has discharged herself and is trying to act like nothing is wrong, a matter further complicated by her mother who seems to refuse to acknowledge that there are problems. What's so frustrating is that this whole situation was avoidable. We essentially had supervised access while she was in care, and I could leave with the children when I sensed she was becoming unstable. Now for their safety, I've had to get legal and currently there is no access.
     
    #25 tearingtherose, May 4, 2024
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