(Hey, I’m a 16 year old male, and this is my first post here. I know that this subforum is about sexual orientation, but I decided to flair this as “mature discussion” just to be safe with the graphic sex talk. I honestly can’t explain myself when it comes to this without getting kind of graphic, so sorry if that kind of talk isn’t allowed here, especially coming from a minor. Let’s just say that the anonymity makes me feel a lot more confident to speak my mind) Anyway, the title. I’ve been completely confused and questioning for over a year now, and I guess I’ll just get straight into it. From seventh grade up until ninth, I was in six relationships with girls, with the first lasting a year, and the last, a week. Long story short, I had been confusing strong platonic feelings for romantic and sexual ones, and soon enough, I started questioning whether or not I even knew what those feelings were. There was a fundamental disconnect between me, the girls I had dated, and the guy friends I had. This wasn’t a case of being too young or not meeting the right person, and without going too deep into it and justifying how, let’s just say that I just know that I’m not heteroromantic, at the very least. Then, after a year of identifying as an aromantic heterosexual, I had a very boundary-breaking, disinibiting experience on magic mushrooms (yes, I know) that left me questioning my *sexual* orientation, while I don’t exactly remember how I felt sexual orientation-wise during the experience itself. Ever since then, my sexuality has felt incredibly complicated. I feel attracted to girls in some capacity, with them being my main choice with porn, but then again I could get the job done looking at drywall, so I don’t know how good of a measure that is. I seem to tolerate the average mature woman in porn, with her being good enough stimulation, rather than being more actively attracted to her. That’s not to say I’m not actively attracted to every single member of the opposite sex, however, but my tastes are extremely specific— younger looking than eighteen, absolute maximum, with my age or a year younger than me being ideal. Flat-chested or very small breasts, since I don’t like breasts very much. An androgynous, boyish/immature body type, except for maybe the butt. An absolute fixation on the butt. My fantasies absolutely need to include a guy, though never myself, and a balanced focus on the guy too, since I find a girl’s reaction and interaction with a guy a lot more attractive than the girl herself. They’re somewhat more taboo, but for some reason explicitly sexual and adult fantasies turn me right off. I heavily prefer for there to be some plausible deniability, like kids who mess around or play ‘doctor’ at sleepovers. I sometimes find myself browsing YouTube for amateur videos of kids around my age messing around, somewhat how I describe yet more mild, finding it a thousand times more stimulating than, well, regular porn, but there isn’t a whole lot of that out there for obvious reasons. Then, there’s my attraction for guys. If we’re including myself in these fantasies, there are some similarities— young like me, very intimate but not sexually explicit, but with guys the focus is on the genitals, not the butt, unlike my fantasies with girls. I’m a lot more attracted to more masculine, older guys though, but only if I imagine myself to be a girl or perceived/treated as one, if that makes sense, since guys that are bigger, stronger, more attractive than me naturally make me insecure, and then there’s the pretty intense sense of shame of being attracted to the same gender, which I feel blocks me from the (possibly vast) majority of my same sex attraction. My attraction to guys is a lot more finicky, though. While my taste in guys is a lot more normal than my strange tastes in girls, gay porn does absolutely nothing for me. In fact, it can even seriously repulse me to see burly, hairy, middle-aged pound each other’s anuses, which seems to be the industry standard. I feel like a LOT more girls are objectively attractive than guys, but that could just be a consequence of being in high school. Guys tend to hit the awkward stage a *lot* harder than girls. Straight porn just feels a lot easier for me, and as strange and specific as my straight fantasies are, it feels a lot easier to simply conjure up a satisfying straight one than a gay one. And last but not least, romantically, I don’t currently feel romantic attraction towards anybody, but while I’ve been entertaining the idea of a relationship with a guy, I don’t ever want to date a girl, that I am sure about more than anything here. Well, that’s all. I really hope this isn’t too graphic of a post coming from a minor, and I’m sorry if it is, but if not, some advice for this seemingly unrelenting questioning process would mean a lot. Thanks in advance!
