So I am really struggling to figure this out. All my life I think I have had crushes on guys. Like I remember being 3 and having my First crush on a guy. I started to kiss and hold hands and pet with guys from age 6 >. However at 5 years Old until 11. Some of my female peers wanted to play mom and dad with me. So we used to grind naked. (i am a female) What was confusing was that it felt good because of the friction. However What confuses me is that I didn’t like the girls. I remember one day one of Them kissed me, I felt tingles in my groin. (Maybe I remember it wrong- it is a memory from I was 8) which scared me because I found her disgusting. I remember thinking I dont feel butterflies as I do with guys. During those Playing, it felt very mechanical. I did it because it felt good on my groin because of the friction. And because we were Playing mom and dad. i hated when she touched me. It was like No I dont want this. I didnt want to touch her groin or anything. Because it made me feel so uncomfiable and Also found her vagina disgusting. I needed to fantasize about heterosex to go through it. However I kept seeking it out because it felt Nice because of the friction on my clit. However I think it made me hypersensible, because I did it with all my female friends and I only wanted the friction. I even started to do stuff with guys Also. Anyway, at 11 I had enough because I had crushes on guys. And wanted to be with guys. I never had crushes on girls and after those kissing experiences I didnt want to kiss girls anymore. However when I turned 14. I started to get weird intrusive thoughts/ arousal to women nude in porn magazines and stuff. I started to associate a vagina with the only way I could feel arousal on my clit because I didn’t know about PIV at that time yet. It felt really uncomfiable. But somehow I never felt crushes or attraction to the girls at School, friends or anything. I started to Watch porn at 16 and I searched for lesbian porn because I was very immature and wasnt ready for real sex yet. So I remembered How that felt with the grinding fiction and started to masturbate to that. The more porn I watched the more I started to feel arousal to women naked in porn. Yet I still didn’t feel attracted to anyone irl. My fantasies were only about grinding naked. (Only professional porn) because when I looked at amateur porn. I would gag seeing vagina and vagina fluids and thinking about oral. I have never had a desire to give oral. I Also feel very weird about thinking about giving finger. However irl my friends would flirt with me, kiss me on the cheek, touch my Butt, grind with me on the dancefloor and I never felt attracted. Now my brain says I Lie But I have ocd so But I really didnt. I have never fantasies about people I knew or Saw on the street. However with guys. I never really felt turned on seeing Them naked. I felt more anxiety? I have childhood trauma there too., But I somehow started to experience sexual crushes on some guys, like i would find myself thinking about Them penetrating me at night. Or think about Them giving me oral. I would always get really aroused sexting with guys, What we would do to eachother and stuff and I would masturbate to Them masturbating. Their moaning is my weakness. And yet around my period I sometimes see something in a guy in class or something and start to have this desire to be penetrated by him? I feel my those butterflies in my groin and a desire to be close. I Said I don’t really get turned on seeing guys naked, Well that is not entirely true cause I get turned on seeing guys’ butts penetrate. (You know that muscle) I get turned on by guys moaning, guys facial expressions, tongue etc. And I get turned on seeing balls bounce? I feel tingles touching a dick. And feel tingles if I like a guy and feel his dick inside me. I Also get very aroused feeling a guys tongue and lips in my mouth. I Also find guys in porn hot some times like I would find their actions, voice, face, energy and butts, legs hot. And fantasize about being with Them sexually. I really tried to figure out if I am lesbian or if it is ocd, I tried to download ######, I kept swiping and I honestly didn’t find anyone attractive other than Maybe 10 out of 2500 swipes. (I really swiped that much) when I am in the lockerroom I kept analyzing if I am attracted to women or not. It is frustrating. sometimes I feel arousal But it is mixed with anxiety and then I start to Shake and get a Panic attack. Maybe it is groinal response. I keep worrying if I am lesbian. But then why havent I been attracted to a real woman before. I have had already 50 different female friends. Again never felt anything towards Them.
That's a lot to unpack there. I can't tell wether OCD has anything to do with all this (lacking the necessary qualifications), but from a laywoman's point of view, from what I gather from your post, is that you're attracted to men (perhaps a certain kind of men) and certain activities - and there's nothing wrong with that. If you don't feel attracted to women IRL, then you're probably not, even if you did enjoy grinding. Perferences in pornography aren't generally a useful indicator of one's sexuality.
how did you figure out if you were attracted to genders irl? Like which feelings and stuff do you feel/ think seeing people out in the real world?
As I see it, yes, sort of like that - but it still can be quite tricky. For example, I've always felt attraction towards women, but most of my life I didn't feel any attraction towards men, even having certain sexual fantasies about being with a man, it's the process of doing the things I imagined that was attractive. It was only after an actual sexual encouter with a man when I began to feel any attraction to men as such. One way to see if you are attracted to woman is to try being with one - if that is something you might be willing to do; who knows, maybe you will descover something new about yourself, or you will know for sure it's not for you at all.
So So How did your attraction to women feel like? When you see an attractive woman on the street or someone around you, How do you feel? Mentally/physically?
I I ask because with ocd it is really not that easy to figure out. Because we can have fake arousal/ groinal response. So I was just wondering How you feel around women? Like How do you know if you have a crush or are attracted to her
It's a tricky thing to put into words, but if you want me to decribe it, when I see a person I find attractive, it's a mixture of light excitement, wanting to be closer to the person (as in distance), desire of physical contact like touching and cuddling, sometimes wanting to kiss them. Sometimes there is also sexual arousal, but I don't typically get that from a person's looks alone. I've looked up a bit of info about OCD groinal response issue, while, honestly, I can't begin to imagine what it must be like, I'm sorry you're dealing with it.
