Hello beautiful community! I stumbled across this forum after I googled “I have a boyfriend but think I’m gay”... a little pathetic I know. I have been looking for a safe anonymous place that I could share a common experience where my fellow bisexuals can tell me that I’m not crazy for feeling the way that I am. For clarity, I am a fully out bisexual woman and have been in a relationship with a man for about a year. I have lost all sexual interest in him at this point and crave being with a woman so badly it hurts. I have pitched a threesome to him and he has no interest so I am at a loss. I am hesitant to break up with him because he is the kind of guy I have always seen myself with long term- picket fence and all that. I fear if I try to make it work though, he is too close minded to ever let me fully express my sexuality I feel like I need to. I don’t want to be limited by him even if he’s good for me. An added wrinkle is that I have been writing letters to an old flame and visited her this past weekend and felt things for her that I have not felt for him since we very first started dating. In summary- I am sexually frustrated and trapped in a straight relationship that I ‘should’ be happy in. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated. I am still young so it’s crazy to be thinking so far in the future, but I’m kinda over the whole dating thing and I just want to be happy with a companion.
Hey Jeeping, welcome to the EC community! As a bisexual myself, I can totally relate to what you're going through. You're certainly not crazy for feeling the way you are! Hearing that you see him as "the kind of guy I have always seen myself with long term- picket fence and all that" and that he's good for you, I would try a few more times to see if he would be willing to let you fully express and experience your sexuality. If that's not the case, I would spend some time weighing your options before you make a decision. I hope this helps a little!
Welcome to EC. It is not uncommon in a relationship for interest to change, it can be reduced for time and then increase again. It is also really easy to fall for "the grass is greener" in a relationship especially during a low time. This is just something to consider. If you really cannot see yourself committing to only one person (or only one sex/gender) and your current partner refuses to consider opening the relationship then you do need to consider if this relationship can meet your needs. Many people find it very difficult to open a relationship which starts out as monogamous. This can be a problem if one partner finds that they need more than their one partner can provide. If you do decide that this relationship is not going to work for you I caution you from getting involved with anyone immediately. Rebound relationships are notoriously unstable. It would be better to live on your own outside of a relationship for a while and get used to that before then pursuing someone else, whether the friend you already know or anyone else. I have seen a lot of advice on waiting at least six months plus an extra month for every year of the current relationship before seeking out another one. When you do pursue one it might be better to go into it from the start with the understanding that the relationship would likely be open or some form of polyamory if you really think that one person will not meet your needs.
123, your perspective and advice is really helpful. Relationships are so emotionally charged so it’s hard to look at them subjectively like you have helped me to do. something like this can’t be rushed and I’m going to give myself some time to figure it out, try again, and evaluate what makes me happiest with my relationship, sexuality and full expression. And no rebounding as tempting as it is
hi quiet peace thank you for such a prompt and thoughtful response. I have experienced these relationship highs and lows and have found myself in fact experiencing the grass is greener phenomenon (hard not to when you have so many options being attracted to all genders ha!). This feeling and fighting back against it has had me questioning if monogamous relationships are in fact a feasible thing for me and what that might look like moving forward. societally, non monogamy is obviously not as socially accepted as being in a one man one woman relationship. so I’m trying to figure out for myself if ‘easier’ in the social schema is more important that feeling fulfilled with more than just one relationship at a time. maybe I will never be satisfied! But hey- labels are just for putting people in boxes and maybe I don’t want to be put in a box at all.
I understand the feeling! This was me in my early 20s, sort of. I didn't have my sexuality figured out yet. I knew from about 16 that I was attracted to women but thought all women were. I had fun, active sex lives with boyfriends, and wanted marriage, kids, nice neighborhood with the picket fence. For context, I'm 45 now, married a man (who I've been with since 21), and have two teens. When I was young, being anything other than straight was considered a "choice", and if you made that "choice" then you were also "giving permission" to be abused or bullied. I chose to marry a man. I have a marriage, awesome kids, a lovely home in a progressive, tree-lined, picket fence community. And, we're getting divorced (there are other issues at play too). I came out to him six years ago, which did not go well. I went back into the closet, but last year couldn't take it anymore. I started talking to friends who'd been in my shoes and exploring my sexuality (not with other people though -- trying to honor my vows until we're in two different houses). The question posted on an EC thread that really helped me to decide what to do was: if my orientation were not part of the equation, would the marriage survive? Would I want to be married to this person? The comments above are spot on, especially on the rebound issue. You're not crazy for thinking into the future or wanting the nice life with "the picket fence and all that". You can have that stuff regardless of who you're with. I know the feeling of wanting to settle down with someone, but at least in my case, I settled on the things that mattered most to me (again, other issues besides sexuality). It's hard, but taking the time to be with yourself (in a relationship with him or not) will pay dividends down the road because you'll have the opportunity to be more settled in yourself before you settle with (not for) someone else. As for the sexually frustrated part... I got nothing... other than me too!
