Hello, EC. I'm new here, and want to share some things in the hopes that someone can help me. I'm a fairly normal guy on the outside, shy, a bit insecure and prone to anxiety. For most of my life, I thought of myself as 100% straight, and I did get aroused sometimes by looking at/thinking about naked women (though it was always weak and erratic). I have never been in a relationship of any kind, but figured that once I got more experience with talking to girls, things would fall into place. Over the past few years, I’ve made many attempts to flirt with women, but none got off the ground. Now, looking back, I’ve always been oddly drawn to things related to homosexuality. I have at times wondered if I am gay. I always decided that I was not, because I never had gotten aroused by thinking about being with men. I often felt strong feelings of fear and disgust at the thought of homosexuals and gay sex. It got so intense, sometimes when I saw an attractive guy, especially a scantily clad one, I averted my eyes as if hit by an electric shock. (All this came 100% from within, not from an anti-gay environment, and I never talked about it with anyone, until now.) Roughly three weeks ago, I decided to change my worry-filled approach to life (which hadn’t really been working so well for me) and as part of that, made an effort to eliminate the above response to seeing attractive men. It didn't take long to realize that, yes, I do feel an odd buzz when an attractive man walks by. I also started getting erections from scantily clad men. Though they have been weak and erratic, they almost never happened before! All this is pretty scary, since I am a naive young man, and I know what often happens to them, out there. It doesn’t feel 100% right, either. Part of me says this whole gay scare thing is some drama I mentally fed myself to relieve boredom, that has gotten out of hand, but will eventually pass. I’ve been feeling sad lately. Not just about not being straight (I'm pretty sure that I'm not, women do nothing at all for me right now) but also because I’ve realized what an empty husk I was, existing not living for the past 10 years. I have been listening to “Time” by Pink Floyd a lot lately.
Welcome! I get the 'Time' reference. Love Pink Floyd. Well done for deciding to change your approach to life- that takes courage. For many people there is no thing as 100% straight or 100% gay. I am gay. I feel naturally and more instinctively attracted to women, but I also feel some attraction to men. For me sexual orientation is not black and white but I do feel that gay is a better label for me than bisexual. I've been in 'straight' relationships but always felt like something is missing. How you label yourself, or not, is entirely up to you, and you do not have to define yourself now, or any time soon. Take your time and, if you can, find some joy in discovering who you are. One thing is for sure- you cannot change it! Having strong feelings of fear and disgust towards gay people and gay sex signals some internal homophobia. This is not uncommon in people who are not ready to accept that they might be gay. I know, because I have had these feelings. The good news is you don't always have to feel like you do now. It sounds like you have opened up slightly to the possibility that you are gay and that is why you are starting to feel the buzz of attraction. It is a possibility that in the past you may have suppressed your feelings of attraction, maybe out of fear or because you did not want to entertain the idea of being gay. I denied my feelings of being gay for more than twenty years and in all of that time basically suppressed by feelings and was living a pretty numb life. Now I am coming to terms with who I am, and life really is becoming so much better. I am slowly dealing with my internal homophobia- the part of me that stopped me from accepting that I am gay. There is so much insight to be gained here on this forum. I'm also reading lots and seeing a therapist. Be kind to yourself- what you are experiencing is not uncommon, many people will relate. You are not alone. I think allowing yourself to 'try out' being gay is a really good idea to help you to answer the questions you may have. That might just mean giving yourself the permission to be attracted to men. I think this is a thread well worth reading: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/684-am-i-gay.html I wish you well, Rose
Well, Rose, I appreciate your well-written reply! It's a terrible shame that you've also been through a long period of suppression and numbness. But, it sounds like you've emerged from it and your life is much brighter as a result. I always thought, if you were a gay man, you knew. When I read the life stories of gay men, almost all of them said they had known they were gay from a very young age. I figured that had not been the case for me, so I could not possibly be gay. True bisexuality in men is pretty rare, and I think that I will eventually settle into being close to 100% gay or close to 100% straight. EC does seem like a very nice, non-judgmental corner of the internet, and I may well post here again once I sort myself out some more. Despite everything, I'm optimistic about the future. I think this time next year, I will have more real problems and fewer imagined ones. Also, it's great that you're a fellow Pink Floyd fan!
